Recap of 2012

Only a few more hours until 2013. I cant wait I have always liked the thought of starting over. I cant believe I have been banded almost a year - it has taken me that long to really learn the band and yes lean how to cheat the band (and myself) I am sorry Lola and I am sorry me! The fat me thinks she's clever and comes up with these ways to eat what she wants again and again but now with Miss Lola there she's in for a rude awakening of PB'ing everytime she gets too tricky. So after many tears and many pb's I have learned alot and have learned to work with my band not work the band. below is a short reflection on the year that has passed. I promise the next year will be yummy bloggie goodness coming from a new respect for myself and what I have committed to.

January 2012 - 1 year at my job - excited about being banded - started reading and blogging pretty frequently - started telling people about being banded.

February 2012 - Turned 40 - Started Pre Op - Started getting scared of decision to be banded - turned to blogging for help

March 2012 - Scared to death about surgery - Banded on March 7th - Slow recovery - lots of well wishers - loving my blog friends - found my BOOBmie JennXaz

April 2012 - Began solids - really scared to drink pop or do anything out of the ordinary food wise - blogging steady

May 2012 - 1st fill - 1st stuck - 1st experience that the band is REALLY changing everything

June 2012 - Planning for BOOBS - Starting to have ups and downs with my band - being a bit more adventurous with food

July 2012 - Trip to Boston - Stuck - Stuck and Stuck - move on to diet of Ice Cream and Chowder - Gained weight - Accountability started losing its shine

August 2012 - BOOBS Challenge begins - did well at the start - got into weight daily

September 2012 - BOOBS 3.0 - Met some awesome women that I plan to stay close with always!!!

October - Unfil and band problems - stomach irritated - leave it alone

November 2012 - Barium Swallow - Band is OK - will leave it at prime fill until after holiday

December 2012 - Universal & Florida for Christamas - No weight gain but no weight loss - Saw Speck again YEAH!!!! -  Big .2cc fill back up to 4.7cc in band ready for 2013 action.

That is all in a nutshell - Happy Happy New Year to you all thank you for reading this!!!! See you for a better and more focused 2013!!!!

Quickly...to 2013!!!!

Well let me 1st say that we have been on holiday in Florida for over a week now and it is about to come to an end. I can safely say that Canada and the US are very very different - especially when it comes to food. I went to Target 7 times and will go again today. OMG I love what you can get here. On the downside - Golden Coral - if I didn't have a band... Im scared to think how much I would have stuffed in. Ive done lots of walking - Universal both parks - 3 days, City Walk, NASA - Im pooped! But Im sure what I am eating outweighs all the walking.

Here's my family enjoying Harry Potter MANIA!!!!!!!!!!!!! Im am jumping up & down inside!

 


On our way home tomorrow I get to visit with our little southern dumpling Sandra. I cant wait to hear her voice and see her happy face. This woman fills my heart with Joy! Too bad we couldn't visit Rockband Barbie but she was too far off the path for us to travel - but I heard mention of Vegas 2013 - ???

I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday and is looking forward to 2013 - I know I am. When I return home I am demanding a super fill - LOL .1cc maybe .1.5 I want to enter 2013 with a reminder that this band will work and I think that Im done my learning after 9 months of living with it. I've learned what I cant eat but unfortunately I have learned what I can and what I can cheat with. I blame me for not jumping on that ACCOUNTABILITY horse and holding on for dear life. The 1st time I fell off I decided it was too hard. BOO HOO ME :(

Really Im so good at blaming other entities for my weight struggles. Im learning my band is my most recent favourite - learning for 9 months - Im not stupid so I should be a master by now. I hate planning around meals and I actually do struggle eating with my family - they dont notice even when I tell them - they eat super fast.

Im going to make a list of goals before the New Year arrives so stay tuned!

Enjoy your last moments of 2012! Until later!

On December 6th, 2011 - I wrote my 1st blog entry.

It was basic little blurb about me and my 1st comment was from xbigjimx. I jumped into this whole blogging thing with both feet and even posted the craziest photos Ive ever posed for. I wanted to be totally raw and honest and pure here. It began that way with that intense new lover kinda excitement and after my surgery I needed this blog - it was my lifeline to people who understood why I took this giant step - it was my new addiction.

Now fast forward 12 months...

Life is back to normal and my relationship with my band is not a happy one alot of the times - maybe it's the whole accountability thing???? but my blogging is not as intense as I hoped it would be and I know I lost some of that wide eyed newbie shine after BOOBS 3.0 but Im still here and I can say that I have met (both online and in person) some of the most wonderful people on the planet!

Im down to 30 followers after my name change in September but Im all about Quality not Quantity so thank you for sticking with me through a blog name change, my rants about chocolate, PMS, PB's, Bullies and my not so successful success stories.

I promise the upcoming year will provide some words of wisdom (and photos) mixed in with my general bitching and moaning.

Happy Anniversary aBANDoning fat 4 fab (formally known as ....)!!!

Gratitude finale...

Well my 30 days of gratitude got derailed a bit by life and It was a very hard project to undertake as sometime life clouds what is important and make you overlook the thinks that you find most precious.

So today I am grateful for life... my life that is mine to live and make mistakes and bad choices and come out a better and wiser person from my mistakes.

I am grateful to have the body as flawed as it may be that is still mobile and can take me swimming in the ocean or out with friends. I am grateful for my soul that has seen ugliness but still has the ability to laugh, cry and love.

I am grateful for my life....

Grateful that I can still be Grateful...

Well I have been MIA as lives other then my own have taken over here...

If you have read past blogs my oldest son gets bullied - often - so the last few weeks was a lesson in small town behaviour and mentality...

My child - is almost 13 but he's not violent at all but he always wants to hang with the bad kids and that often gets him in trouble and bullied - go figure - you would think the bad kids would stick up for him but no they just watch.

So after an x-ray of his rib and the kid and the bully kid & his parents coming to our house to offer him up for chores to make up for hitting my child (yes please come to my home so my kid could also feel unsafe here) and a trip to the police and a non progressive call with the principal and a day of missed work and alot of anger followed by alot of crying I have come to the conclusion that you have to take care of your own shit and that I hate alot of people!

So after all that - I have been trying to stay on track with my food and I did so so. I need a fill but cant get one until after holidays - Yeah Florida!

So today I am grateful for being able to still be able to be grateful for anything after seeing the extreme ugliness that the world can hand out - especially to kids who are just trying to figure it out.

ps. super proud of JennXaz who hit onederland!!! Im coming but slow like a a snail or maybe in my case a slug. LOL xoxo

Grateful Days 11 & 12

Day 11

Day 11 falls on Remembrance Day so I am grateful for my country Canada. As the anthem goes... The land of the free and the home of the brave! Thank you Veterans for making it so.

Day 12

I am thankful for Chocolate... all forms of Chocolate - from the seed of the cacao tree to the limited edition Halloween mini Cadbury bars. I love it, Love It, LOVE IT!!!! Melted in fondue, Shaved on top of my latte, warmed in my kids hot chocolate and added to my zucchini bread. Chocolate is magical and tasty. I am GRATEFUL for CHOCOLATE!!!!

100th post and A Liebster Award!!!

Oh I Lieben my boobmie and friend JennXaz !!!! Thank you for nominating my little hidden blog! Im going to cry!

The "Liebster Award" is for bloggers with less than 200 followers. Liebster is a German word meaning dearest, darling, beloved. The award is given to up-and-coming bloggers who deserve recognition and support to keep on blogging.  

There are rules:

1. Think of 11 facts you'd like to share about yourself.

2. Answer the questions I asked.

3. Think of 11 questions you'd like to ask your nominees.

4. Nominate 5 bloggers with less than 200 followers.

So here we go!

11 Facts about myself:

1. I gave birth to my 1st baby without an epidural and the second without any drugs at all - I love the process of birthing babies but not being pregnant. If it was an option at the time I would have had a home birth in water.

2. I once had sex in the middle of a big top with a French circus clown who didn't speak English from Archaos (a French contemporary circus). This affair went on while the circus was in town for about a week. How crazy!

3. I used to colour my hair fun colours like purple, fire red and blonde. Purple was my favourite.

4. I swear alot.

5. I am an only child but found 4 sisters and a brother when I found my birth family. It's a lesson in "be careful what you wish for" as I would much rather have stayed an only child.

6. Im a club kid and once I became of age I worked at the nightclubs I partied at.

7. I never finished high school but still graduated from college.

8. I went to Australia by myself when I was 14.

9. I had never been a long relationship before I met my husband.

10. I like being alone.

11. I wish I could redo my wedding. I would do almost everything differently.

The questions asked by JennXaz who nominated me:

Favorite job and why?
I was a Doula both birth and postpartum. Even though it was gross at times - getting to see a life come into this world is incredible and puts you in this state of awe and amazement that women can do this incredible thing...plus tiny new babies are soooo cute.

Favorite food and why?
Japanese/sushi - so pure and lots of different choices

Biggest indulgence?
Birthday Spa Days at a really good spa by myself

Biggest fear?
Being in an old age home unable to make decisions for myself

Favourite trait in a friend?
Loving

Worst disaster you have been in?
Black out in the summer of 2003 - 2 days no power and hubby was away for training... We made the best of it. Me and a 3 year old Simon camped out in the backyard - the 1st time in forever that you could see the stars in downtown Toronto. Sorry I live in Central Canada nothing disastrous ever happens here...

First car?
1981 two tone blue Oldmobile Cutlass Supreme

Feature about yourself you love?
Lips

Item you are grateful for?
Car

Experience your are grateful for?
Giving birth to my boys... and skydiving with my BFF

Person you are grateful for?
My husband who is my best friend even when he irritates me.

My Nominees are...

Athena Banded Warrior
Rockband Barbie
Fat on the inside
Bandster Momma
Think it! Do it! Live it!

My Questions for my nominees are...

1. Strangest place you've had sex or fooled around? 
2. If you could have dinner with anyone (dead or alive) who would it be and why? 
3. If you could buy 1 thing for yourself - money is no object - what would it be? 
4. You must leave your home right NOW!!! What 3 things would you save (not family or pets they're automatically saved)? 
5. Favourite place you have been to and why? 
6. What is your idea of the perfect day? 
7. What is the best food (the one everyone loves) that you can make (bake, cook, fry, etc)? 
8. What time do you go to bed? 
9. What colour is your living room? 
10. Do you remember the 1st movie you ever saw? What was it? 
11. What would be your dream job? 

Have fun!!! Cant wait to see your answers.

Grateful Days 6, 7, 8, 9 & 10

Day 6

I am grateful for the ability to drive. I couldn't imagine life without being able to just go where I want (too a limit) and the freedom that it brings. Being able to visit friends and family that are far away. Its wonderful!

Day 7

In the same vain as day 6... I am grateful for the invention of all modes of transportation. A plane brought my wonderful friend Erika from Austria home for a few days so we can talk and catch up and laugh and cry and bitch. A boat allowed me to see Alaska (my most breathtaking trip).  and a train took me around Europe on an adventure. 

Day 8

I am grateful for finding my birth family. Not just the mother but an entire other family. I have mixed emotions about them and am trying to keep my distance a bit from them now but I looked for my birth family for 10 years. From the day I turned 18 I put my name on a search list with the Government and it was a long waiting list a 10 year list to be exact. When my name came up I was in a good place in my life and it couldnt have been better timing. I met my birth mother, father (not together) 2 full birth sisters, 2 1/2 birth sisters, 1 1/2 birth brother and a grandmother and cousins, aunts and an uncle. It was the adopted kid jackpot of birth searches. 

Day 9

I am grateful for the 80's. It's MY generation. I am a child of the 80's along with Charlie Sheen, Drew Barrymore and my personal fave Matthew Broderick (Ferris Forever!!). It was the age of being bratty and overindulgent and weird. I loved Duran Duran, Cyndi Lauper, The Spoons, Depeche Mode and The Cure. I crimped my hair and it could withstand the greatest of wind storms. The whole attitude  of the 80's lives in me and makes me so NEAT!

Day 10

I am grateful to have a home. When I was small my dad moved us every few years to a new house (twice to the same house) Usually better than the one before but for a kid this instability was horrible. A new school every few years and new friends - I couldn't get too attached because i knew we would move again. So I turned to food as something that I could control since my environment around me was out of my control. I followed my dad's pattern in my adult years and moved alot myself. But after Simon was born we bought our 1st house when i was pregnant with Michael we outgrew our 750 sq ft home and moved once more - 1.5 hours outside of the city that I grew up in and to our new home that will be remembered by my children as the house that they grew up in. It will be the home that I will raise my family in. I have finally found a home not just a house and I am grateful.

GRATEFUL... Day 5

Today it's a bit harder to pick what I am grateful for.... The first few were obvious... but today's pick is an emotional choice as right now they are making me crazy but deep down I am truly grateful for...

my parents

They adopted me at 10 days old and gave me a good life - even with all their flaws in parenting I cannot say that I am more dysfunctional than most. They love me the only way they know how and I am thankful for them.

I am Grateful for....day 4

Day 4

Today I am grateful for my friends... 

• My old friends - who have seen the things that have shaped who I have become and are still in my life to remind me of what was - I love you xx
• My new friends - who are open enough to love the person that I am now - thank you - I know what you see is what you get is not easy when you never know what you will get LOL! Love ya!
• My neighbour friends - I am sooo Grateful for you - you make my house a home.
• My work friend - really just 1 good one - I call her Yoda - she's my wise big sister - thanks for letting me bitch and keeping me sane in the insanity
• My husband's friends - you are the funniest group of people I have ever met and I thank you for marrying wives I like!

Last but not least...

• My blog friends - you are a very special group of friends who share my most deepest secrets. The unconditional friendships here have enriched my life and made an impact on who I am. I love and thank you all!

Day 3 of Grateful...

Day 3

hubby

Grateful... Day 2

Day 2

of course... Michael

30 days of Gratitude... Day 1

I know its Thursday and I usually pay homage to the Beautiful Laura Belle but another idea has stolen my heart... at least for the next 30 days.

Ms Brenda at Bandster Momma had the idea of a "Month of Gratitude".

Im in 100%. There's something special about looking at your crazy life and finding those things that make you get up in the morning. So here I go....

DAY 1

Simon 

Im a not so secret admirer...

When I was young I used to have people that I looked up to. Somewhere along my journey I became comfortable in my own skin and set in my ways and those people started being few and far between. Before now I couldn't think of the last person that really sent me into an AH HA! moment as Oprah would call it. Its a bit sad really and I think that without those people to look up to and admire I have become closed off to life and new ways of thinking and feeling and doing.

Since I've started this weight loss/lap band journey I have read the blogs of some extraordinary people. These people inspire me and make me want to be better than what I have settled for. 

One of the top people on this list and Im sure on many lists is Lap Band Gal she is amazing. I have been in my slump and have decided to start reading her journey from the start. It is funny how her blog starts - she was a newbie just like me - now she is this wealth of lap band know how. How can I not look up to this woman and all that she has accomplished even if her journey is different than mine? She had questions in the beginning and got answers from her comments - now she provides answers. Im impressed with her ACCOUNTABILITY - I envy her that she can do it. I hate being accountable even to myself - its so much easier to hide.

I have been in quite the whirlwind nightmare of lap band regret lately and I found her page on Facebook and the 1st thing I read when I looked at her page was the below note:

Are You Feeling Unsuccessful With Your Gastric Band? Read This! It's Not Too Late!

by Lap Band Gal on Sunday, 13 November 2011 at 21:44 ·

You had weight loss surgery with a laparoscopic adjustable gastric band several months ago, maybe even years ago and it’s been less than successful in your opinion. “It just didn’t work for me” you told yourself. And now you’re hesitant to even tell others about it because once again you tried and failed. But here’s a thought - maybe your success was merely delayed.

The beauty of the LAP-BAND® System is that you can pick up where you left off. And if you never got on, well – that ship can sail again.

The LAP-BAND® is a tool. It’s designed to help you in your weight loss journey. It is not a “silver bullet”. It is not a panacea. It is not going to “do it for you”. You have to work it, just as with any tool. A pen doesn’t work too well just sitting on the desk and a paint brush doesn’t work too well either just resting on the easel.

Patients that do well with the LAP-BAND® typically lose 1-2 pounds per week. Some do even better with reducing their caloric intake, eating properly, making better food choices and exercising regularly.

But you say to yourself, “If I could do that, I wouldn’t need the LAP-BAND®”.

When in the “green zone” the LAP-BAND® restricts the amount of food you can eat, so that you can get back on the boat (eating properly). It gives you a chance to change some eating habits. You’re less hungry (you’ve got less capacity to eat) and you’re combining that with changing what you eat every day and adding in an exercise routine. Now you’re on the road to success with the LAP-BAND®.

Just know that no weight loss surgery procedure or device is going to “make decisions for you”. The weight loss surgery procedure that you choose will have no idea specifically what you’re eating. To be successful, you’re going to need to change some things.

So, if you continue to eat things that you know aren’t “on the program” – there’s a good chance your weight loss journey will be a short one. If you don’t regularly exercise and monitor the calories going in versus the calories going out, then your weight loss journey will likely be a bumpy one.

Get back on track. Go back to see your weight loss surgeon and his/her staff.

Re-dedicate yourself to yourself and… to your family.

Use the tool. Lose the weight.   

*************

Now I don't what this was written for but this was exactly where I am at and it gave me hope. I'm taking the knowledge I've gained from having my band for 7 months and starting all over again. Theres not alot of things in this world that you get a do over for but Im glad this is one of them.

Thank You Lap Band Gal!!!

ReACTION = ACTION

Ok all my bitching and whining did me some good.

Today I went to my clinic and it was a good experience I got...

• to see the nurse I wanted - if it aint broken don't fix it - Im not seeing anyone else if I can help it
• a requisition for a barium swallow for November 21st (my baby's b-day so it will be good luck)
• a proper filling fill
• the name and contact information for the peer support group that meets monthly
• the ok to make an appt. to see the dietician

I was going to start from the beginning today but I had to try to eat solids to make sure the fill worked and YUP it did.

So tomorrow is a new day and I start over...

Ok... lets try this again....

I have a plan - a crazy insane type of plan - it's soooo crazy that it just might work!!!

I am starting from the start...  from the start very start...

History:
Starting weight: 284lb
Pre Op: Feb 22, 2012
Banded: March 7, 2012
Food Poisoning: Late March 2012
1st fill: April 12, 2012
1st super stuck episode: May 18th weekend - culprit - shrimp
Many stuck episodes in between due to food test or 1st bite syndrome
1 unfill in early stages as I get used to the band...
Bronchitis and heavy dose antibiotics: September 2012
Large 0.5cc unfill: September 2012
1st flight with band: Sept 27, 2012
Refill: 0.3cc: Oct 5, 2012

Ok present day: I have been super hungry since my unfill and refill (I am 100% sure she missed)
I have asked for a meeting with the Dr. (he's very busy only works on the exact same days that I work)
Im going in tomorrow for another fill. I plan to make an appointment to see the Dr in person at this time to talk about the "support" that they dont seem to have in place. My weight is up 256 lbs a 28lb loss NOT acceptable at this stage of the game... I want onederland...

If I have 0 restriction after this fill (with the same nurse that I have had all previous successful fills with) Then there is something wrong with my band - 100% no doubt in my mind - reflux or not.

If there is restriction then I will be happy and do a naked dance in my bathroom.

Either way will no change my eating plan that I have devised to jump start this weight loss and make me stop feeling like Ive thrown away all my money...

I plan to do the pre op diet for 3 days (no food - just shakes)... then do a modified pre op with protein for dinner for 4 days and then move on to my 1 cup serving NO EXCEPTIONS!!!!!

It sounds a bit stupid but Ive got to start over now that I have more knowledge and can avaoid the stuck, pb'ing and emotional roller coaster this band is providing me.

I will post tomorrow and let you know if I am successful with my fill.

Lost & Found

Yesterday was my 10th wedding anniversary and I remember being this fat bride (thats me 30lbs lighter with S giving me running shoes cause I was dying in my heels) not believing that my hubby wanted to marry me but was just doing the 'right thing' cause we had a baby. This went one for several years as my weight creeped up and up my vision of me got lost in all the layers.

I remember my lowest point I was wishing death and thinking that my children would be better off without this fat useless mother who cant do anything with them. Hubby and I were barely talking and I was eating 2 dinners every night. I was suffocating under my weight and I kept eating wishing that my heart would stop - but then I would get scared that the kids would find me. I couldn't see straight I was a giant ball of hate - hate for me - hate for life. It was coming out everywhere - I was such a bitch to strangers - to my in-laws - to my parents. Thankfully I wasn't working at the time or I would have been fired... I sat on an executive board and they couldn't wait until my reign of terror was over (I still pop by from time to time just to stress them out LOL). I wasnt talking to anyone about my problems - we'll I tried but I could find anyone who could relate - they said they had eating issues but they were not my eating issues - barfers and starvers didnt understand it - HA funny thing was I was a purger all those years ago and I would wonder how many of them would give it up to only become the 1 thing that they were terrified of - ok thats a different blog post!

Anyway the point is - I didn't walk by mirrors - I had one full mirror in my home and it was covered by my robe that didn't fit me anymore. I avoided photos and would quickly delete from FB any tags. I was in denial of how I looked and I was avoiding myself entirely - everything that was me was becoming buried and lost. I had no idea of who I was anymore. This was a 10 year project of taking bits of me and hiding them so far away that I couldn't find them when I started looking - even that sesame street video couldn't help me...

So at the end of 2011 I decided that before I actually died and left my boys without their mom because of something that I did to myself I would get myself back to me. No more rage and hate and self loathing. This was starting to show on them - my crap was sticking to my beautiful babies - I was so ashamed - I was so far in my hole that I couldn't see what was in front of me anymore.
I was ready to find the lost pieces but could never do it as I was. Thats when I started looking at the band - I was too terrified to do the by-pass (which is covered in Canada) So with every penny I had - hows that for a commitment - WHAT WAS I THINKING ??? - I found a lap band clinic, set a date, told only a chosen few and went for it on March 7th, 2012

Now you can read my journey to that point but I want to kip ahead to now. I have had a crazy pb'ing, painful ride with this band and even though Ive come to a standstill right now. I am finding myself little by little - you never know where the hell the old me will pop up - its funny when you do something that is like deja vu and then you realize that you were the one to do it so many years ago.

Thats where Im at now. Im not hiding - GOD somedays I want to hide - but Im not - Im fighting for this one. I can proudly say that everything in my life I ever really fought for I have got. Its time to feel that want - that drive. I want to be successful at this - yes, because I paid $16,000.00 - yes, cause I want to have really hot sex again - yes, because I want to touch my feet - but mostly because I don't want to let myself down anymore. Because I miss me and I'd like to see me again.

Disappointed blogger...

There are many things that I am disappointed about right now that are directly associated with how I blog and how often....

My BOOBS experience really put a new spin on how I look at blogging and I must say that I have lost my excitement for it. I came home and stopped following several people since I could no longer with the same enthusiasm after meeting them in real life.

I was however blessed to add some wonderful ladies to my FB page and continue our friendship on a different level.

My last fill was not successful and Im sure that the .2cc's got injected into my belly fat and not my port... this was confirmed by my husband who claims that I am a bitch when my fill works... and I was "too happy" to have just had a fill.

I am really having struggles with my band - I am super sensitive to it. I knew that the fill didnt work - I even asked her if she got it in as I didnt feel it. She insured me that the saline went in - yes but where cause it wasnt my band... I have been asking for an image of my band to be taken and they have refused me as they do not believe that anything is wrong again (since I dont have reflux???)  I know my body - there is something fishy... I have gone to my GP but she would like me to ask again at the clinic before she steps on anyones toes.

I feel like a failure since everyone around me is expecting some incredible weight loss and Im just struggling along - up and down the same weight for the past 2 months. My overall loss is only 33 lbs and I am so upset because 33lbs is certainly not worth $16,000.00.

I have been questioning my reasons for doing this in the first place since I was not going to have WLS ever and then I started to worry about my health and the opportunity for the band came fast and furious into my path. I thought it was a sign that maybe I needed to revisit this. So here I am 7 months banded and feeling like I never was.

Sorry for the negativity - Im just in that place now... Maybe its the cold cold Canadian weather???

Plastic Surgery for Thanksgiving???

This post is sooo not what you're thinking.... 

I got my band at a plastic surgery clinic. My Dr. is not a plastic surgery Dr but shares a practice with his. Today i went for my fill. It is the week before Canadian Thanksgiving and boy was the clinic packed... I have never seen so many inflated faces in my life. Like wow... they must explode eventually right??? And boy did I get the looks (I think their eyes are only part of them that can still move independently) & not it wasnt because of my stunningly flawless skin and born this way full lips but because I was a fat chick in a plastic surgery clinic? Total fat removal perhaps? I actually got a dirty look and had someone move to another chair when I sat next to her. I so wanted to give her the finger when she kept staring at me but then I would be the 'crazy' fat chick. But I did laugh when at one point there were more fat people in the room waiting for their fill than the ones waiting for their botox. That made dirty look lady really uncomfortable - how dare they cater to this class of people. I could practically hear it screaming out of her head. I wonder if she'll ever go back.??? 

Ok but back to my fill.. I really like this nurse but her fill is so painful. OMG Im bruised and wanting to scream the 2 times I had her. I think I'll go back to the quiet, gentle one. Plus I pretty well know where my port is and my other fills have been in that spot but she seems to prick me in a different spot? Did it move? Oh well I think I got a refill 0.2cc but maybe not? I guess only time will tell. I go back in a month and hope to see some good results. Im tired of going up and down on the same few pound... I will break my 230's and stay there. Next week I plan to start a new tracker and get back to blogging. 

See I told you... it was disappointing wasn't it? 

Goodbye Chicago... Hello New Friends!

I went to Chicago with expectations (my fault) as a newbie I thought it would be different... more sociable. Before I went I tried to figure out what people would be like based on their blogs and photos and then when I meet that person face to face I was often surprised at how wrong I was.... Im sure it went the other way too.

However I was blessed to have a wonderful roommate Jennxaz and meet some truly AWESOME ladies (you know who you are) who I plan to keep in touch with. I find it incredible that this piece of plastic brings so many different lives together sharing in this very similar journey. 

I have found a new path to follow and I feel stronger now. I am excited to see what experiences that will bring.

Ten Things at Midnight....

Starting something and not finishing it has been the theme of the past 2 weeks... Ive have written alot of posts but have never finished them so I promised I would do a TTT this week... even if its Friday here already... I at least still have a few hours on AZ time.

1. The past couple of weeks has been a ride with my band... it all started with getting sick and going on antibiotics... well did you know that antibiotics can make your stomach swell??? Well - yes they can - the stronger the more likely. So after my 5 day course of antibiotics I was tight tight tight, stressed out and stuck on everything. Pb'ing pretty much every time I tried to eat a protein that was solid.

2. Then came the crying boy home from school. My 12 yr old has a hard time - the kid he thought was his friend made fun of him and called him jelly belly and told him at least he's 1000lbs thinner than his mom aka me... It thought having boys would keep them from caring about their bodies like girls but this is not the case... He has been not eating and tells me he's fat. I am so sad that I am so big that he gets made fun of because of me - I have done everything in my power to not give pass along the 1 thing I hate the most - being fat.

3. On Tuesday - my only day off this week - I had a HUGE unfill .5cc - my band is now at 4.0 and Im a bit freaked out... I ate a sandwich at a luncheon today and didnt worry about being stuck even though I chewed like crazy and took apart my food like I normally would I knew the unfill would work no more being stuck, no pb'ing.  On one hand Im so happy but on the other Im scared that the weight will go up up up...

4. Ive had such a tough journey with my band - Im learning slowly but its frustrating being super sensitive to it - antibiotics make me tight - stress make me tight - if the wind is blowing to much - Im tight - I need to be uber aware of what it going on beyond my food.

5. It's less than a week away till my 1st BOOB's - Im really excited and Ive been boobifying myself with a purple pedicure (Funky Dunky OPI ), removal of all facial hair (LOL) and today - hair colour. I havent pampered myself so much since my wedding. It's so exciting...

Ok - I think I'll have to stick to my unfinished business theme and end this blog at 5 and on a high note...

LOLA is 6 months old...

Im here on my new blog and this is my 1st post on it. The old blogs name didnt match the journey on on now so Im happier with the new one - it suits me more -even though Ive lost all but 3 followers....


Today is special - Im 6 months banded today and I have had lots of ups and downs on this crazy crazy journey...

I thought that it would be easy - make this huge medical and financial commitment and I would be melting the weight off my body because how on earth could I not....???? Wouldn't $16,000 and surgery make my brain think - shit she's serious we should help her do this... We'll I was wrong wrong wrong - so very very wrong - my brain was the same as always and I gave my band more responsibility than it could live up to. Im sorry LOLA...

This is what I have learned so far....

• Spending money and having surgery does not cure emotional eating
• Bandster hell is a horrible emotional and physical ride that is unavoidable in some form or another.
• My band is not the boss of my brain 
• Sometime my will power is weak
• Everyones sweet spot is DIFFERENT
• The sweet spot changes
• Non bandsters cannot eat like I NEED to eat no matter how much they try
• My parents dont get it - so stop trying to explain 
• Trying to act like I dont have a band while eating with others is stupid
• Watch the 1st bite - it gets me stuck 97% of the time
• I will binge sometimes - let it go - don't let it consume you
• Not everyone slimes
• Sliming means Ive gone too far
• PB'ing is awful
• I MUST learn from my mistakes
• Ask for help when you need it - someone will answer
• Sometimes the giant potholes in the road test you to your limit
• Its ok to cry
• Its ok to medicate
• People assume Im weak cause I have the band - but I am not
• It is a hard ride
• I CAN eat around my band - but choose not to - most of the time
• Tracking my food helps - I hate it but its true
• Im not good at keeping my eye on my goals
• Weighing yourself everyday provides prospective
• ACCOUNTABILITY
• Other people have strange and unrealistic goals for me now that Im banded
• I must stay in contact with my clinic 
• Blogging helps get the emotional stuff out
• Other bandsters get it
• I can do this even if Im slow out of the gate

Thats not everything Im sure but the really important stuff so far.

My highest weight 284 lbs

My weight today 254 lbs.

Total Loss 30lbs in 6 months.

I made a list when I started this and here's what Ive checked off so far...

1. Sit on the floor with the kids
2. Get stuff from upstairs (instead of sending the kids)
3. Pick up something from the floor - there has been a green highlighter under my desk at work for 2 months (the cleaners don't seem to clean there) and for the life of me I cannot get down there to get it so I pretend not to know its there but its driving me crazy!
4. Ride a bike
5. Dance - not professionally just for fun
6. Clean my house in 1 day instead of in parts because I get to tired
7. Buy sale cloths that are $5 not $39.99
8. Buy cloths where I want
9. Get a bikini wax
10. Paint my own toes
11. Wear shoes I have to do up
12. Wear cute shoes - there are so many in my closet that I haven't seen in ages  1 pair out so far
13. Go see a baseball game with my kids - Ive been too afraid I can't fit in the seats
14. Take my kids to Canada's Wonderland - again can't fit on the rides
15. Wear the seatbelt in my sisters car - really important - who makes a seatbelt that short? 
16. Wear a bathing suit
17. Take a bath
18. Wear a regular robe at the spa on my birthday-wont they be shocked!
19. Do up my winter coat
20. Wear my winter coat when winter begins instead of my wrap or sweater (trying to delay the wearing of my winter coat that does NOT do up anymore)
21. Play
22. Fit in a booth at the restaurant
23. Take the dog for a daily walk
24. Buy jeans - I don't know if I'll even like jeans since I only wear dresses and skirts but I would like the option to buy them if I want to.
25. Ask for a doggie bag
26. Sit cross legged
27. Go up the stairs without holding on
28. Sit on my hubby's lap
29. Have my mom see me thin - she's 86
30. Get on a horse again 
31. Carry my son to bed - I cant add his weight to mine it's too much This wont happen even If I reach goal as he is growing like a weed.
32. Walk barefoot - ahhhh!!!!
33. Go for a walk to the waterfall with my kids - I have never seen it its been too far for me to walk
34. Travel
35. Post a full length photo of me on Facebook
36. Sit in an airplane seat in economy
37. Wear pants
38. Buy some lingerie
39. Take a 'mom not hiding behind a kid and a dog' family photo
40. Cry about something other than being fat
41. Meet me again

Not too bad for a bumpy 6 months. I hope the next 6 months will be a bit more calm...

Ive fallen and I cant get up....

No this isnt a depressing post about not being one with my band... I actually fell and now I am hobbling around like an old lady.

Brief recap.. went to Toronto to get my hair cut which looks good but short and no longer like Gene Simmons toupee. When in Toronto I went to the fish market - you know to get fish. I live in a small town where you can get sole and salmon and your basic fish - I like adventure so I try new fishy recipes all the time so anyways... Im at the market and we are (me and my oldest) going up the concrete stairs when I fall UP the stairs - I put my hands in front of me so I dont smash all my teeth and kinda slide on the landing in front of me while people walk down the stairs... I as a fat lady quickly get up so I dont draw anymore attention to my self... and hobble away. BTW only the guy I almost tripped down the stairs asked if I was OK... So away I went on my daily business got my fish told the kid I was ok etc. spent the day in the city and then drove home well I awoke to this....

Its the size of a cookie and completely swollen there is also a little bruise on my knee my arm hurts and also my nose which I dont get at all. So this is Wednesday...

On Thursday at about 3am I wake up sweating and my throat is hurting and I feel like crap... By the time I actually wake up I have lost my voice and have to go to a meeting at my kids school to meet everyone who helps him get through the year...

OH did I mention my eye is also crusted shut.. yes gross weepy eye to go along with no voice.

Today I have been hacking for about 3 hours now with no end in site - cough meds are NOT working - and I am officially sick for the start of the long weekend.

ON the UPSIDE - you know its because of all of you that i can even see an UPSIDE xxoo...

I have lost 2 lbs. now if this continues I will have my purse for BOOBS and kick ass in the challenge...

So on that happy note Im off to make Greek mountain tea with a bit of butter in it (Really butter - this is what my mom used to make me when I had a cough as a child - wonder how I got fat?? LOL) and go outside and enjoy the beautiful weather and disturb my neighbours with my gross hacking...

Have a great weekend everyone....

p.s. please send good thoughts my way so my kids dont get sick and have to stay home longer - I am so ready for everyone to go back to school.

TEN Things Thursday brought to you by PMS

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M.I.A. Blogger Found Alive & Better Than Ever!

Hi Bloggies!!!

**** WARNING**** This is a long read ****

I have been MIA with alot going on here so I think the best way to give you the lowdown on life is in point form...

Well the last time I blogged I was in period hell and being beaten by my hormones. I have decided that I actually do need help in the form of a tiny little pill. I hate taking drugs even vitamins but I after months and years of this roller coaster ride I think I have finally tweaked my dose so Im able to function as a person and also take the hormonal beating. Only time will tell.

Me and my tween dont get along - he says black - I say grey - its never ending - we are alot alike - I can see that - I love him - after all he's my baby and I do love him but sometime I don't. I can actually feel my band tighten when he walks into a room and I cannot eat with him around - I will be 100% stuck. Is everyone eating at a big family table and not feeling stressed? Are you eating away from your families now that you are banded? Any advice? What are others doing?

I have been motivated by my boobmie Jenn - we are now texting and I think its fab to have someone there just to check in on you. Someone who knows that you have a band and that you dont have to explain to over and over again why you cant eat a bagel. Thanks for being there you are awesome and I am grateful.

I bought a BOOBS Coach wristlet to take with me around town. It was $40 so Im calling it my 240's motivational purse - I refuse to allow myself to even take it out of the wrapping until I get out of my 250's. Come on 240's

I have been moving - only a little everyday but something. I have plantar faciatis. Which for me - basically feels like I am walking on thick shards of glass all the time. I have had it for so long I have pain and numbness and spasms all the time - I am hoping once I pass 225 it will make a huge difference - thats the weight I was when they 1st started hurting.

I stubbed my big toe on Saturday night and cracked my entire nail in half and ripped off a piece - it is grossing me out just writing this - anyway - now Im scared to go in the pool - I will try tomorrow and wrap it up water tight.

HUGE NSV - I picked up the stupid green highlighter under my desk that has been there since I started my job!!! It wasnt as graceful as I pictured but I was able to bend enough to get under my desk and back out. WOOOO HOOOO!!!!

Another NSV... my underwear fell down - not because the elastic was shot but I have lost some weight that the fat rolls are not holding it up as they used to - I was unfortunately eating Ice Cream when it happened but either way things are looser.

Im feeling up this week and hope to be down in the BOOBS challenge this week.

I am still weighing myself everyday - I can see how it would screw with your head but I can also see where it makes you very aware of what your body is actually doing.

My boss went on holiday and has been in a good mood - work is super busy and she doesnt have time to notice me which I like - it makes my job really great when Im not in the middle of things and have to hear to how awesome the useless girl is.

I have hidden all the back to school food in the trunk of my husbands car - they dont even know I bought loads of pudding cups, granola bars, dunkaroos etc. I so hate getting that crap for them but they always tell me how the "normal" kids have junk food and Im always worried that my problems with food is making me a nazi when it comes to their food choices. So I try to let them have what the other kids are having. But I think because I deprive them they want it more and go crazy when its around so I have to hide it. Nice way to screw up my kids relationship with food eh?

That is all I think you're up to speed - life I going forward whether I like it or not. I am on the right road now all I have to do is keep walking.

Until later

me

Dear Hormones...

Dear Hormones,

Why have you become this way? What have I done to deserve this kind of treatment? I have always been fun and tried to satisfy your needs and cravings when you asked so why are you doing this? Ive grown and birthed babies for you, I have cried for you, Ive eaten chocolate for you. I have made my husband do dirty things for you. I even paid $16,000.00 for a lapband so we can have this vessel for more time and more fun. So really what gives? We have cohabited for 40 years in peaceful harmony but now you make me a F*@%ing crazy bitch boarder lining on the 'C' word. My body hurts, I fight with my kids and people I love, you make me want food I never knew existed for days, you make me gain an incredible amount of weight AND you just 'POP' in with your red friend when ever you feel like it. You know I hate pop in's especially when my kitchen is not clean.

Why are you being so rude?

Are you back on the wagon - do you need drugs, the pill, multi-vitamins, St John's Wort?
Do you need more chocolate or chips? I really hate doing that. I have no idea why you run and ruin my life for 6-9 days every month and always when I least expect it - but I need you to stop now - I am not happy living here with you anymore. Lets go back to seeing each other every 28 days - I liked that - you never overstayed your welcome - I could put up with you for 4 days - I would even look for your arrival... it was nice, normal - I liked that. Cause this is NOT working...

Please get your shit together or I will have to bring in the big guns and go right to Menopause and those bitches will f*$# you up!

Long weekend and week off...

It has been a long weekend here in Ontario plus a week off for me!!!
And I like many have enjoyed getting together with friends. I actually did my last BOOBS challenge challenge this Saturday and visited with one of my best friends and her family in Niagara who were like my second family for many of my teenage years. Her brother was there from Tennessee with his boys (I haven't seen him since before I had kids and even though I have lost weight I don't think he has ever seen me this big plus I used to be in love with him when I was 16) It was so strange to see them all again but with kids. The food was fatty but I did well I think and I did not get stuck - Yeah!

I also reached out and asked my boobmie - JennXaz to help me be accountable cause I am not.. she said yes but I have been lazy as to planning what that will look like or maybe avoiding - LOL.

I think Im in for a gain this Wednesday :( but hopefully not much of one and I am again trying to jumpstart my loss and get under the 250's and stay there once and for all with some good old fashioned food logging, accountability and portion control - extreme nazi like portion control - 1 cup ONLY - NO bread or crackers (my new bread substitute) - high protein - low low low fat and defiantly NO MORE Ice Cream - you see the local grocery store has their own brand of ice cream and they just invented...

all I have to say is OMG and Yes it tastes as good as it looks. BONUS 1/2 the calories of the Hagen Daas Chocolate Peanut Butter that I was eating in those tiny containers until I read the calorie content. GASP!

So I will start my relaxing week off with yummy good food and my eye on the scale and the fitness pal in hand - mini personal goal - to log in everything until Friday (maybe longer).

Thanks to all of you for still being here... Happy week... see you Wednesday

dix choses jeudi a.k.a. 10 things Thursday

1. I bough a bento box when I was in Boston - its small and lovely here it is... the only downside is that the sauce container leaks if its not upright.

without food

with food

2. Im so unhappy with my job - even though as jobs go its really great and flexible but I am where I am going to be FOREVER. They ask for me to help on a project and then say ok let blah blah know the details and she'll/he'll take it from here. Why should I work for blah blah to get credit cause the 'she' blah blah is a cow and a twit - I really want her to hang herself... but my boss just ignores her mistakes because my boss has decided that blah blah poops lollypops and rainbows and I am not able to be anything more than what I am. I really think its because Im fat... I didn't before but now the way she asks questions all the time about my weight loss and how she talks about her needing to be on a diet (she's 5'9, 156lbs and 63 years old) Yeah I think she has weight issues...

3. Me & Gilly last month - I forgot to post this. She does have wonderful hair especially next to my Gene Simmons toupee ...

4. I painted my toes blue at the crazy cheap Korean lady nail place today.... $10  

5. I keep losing sites from my reading list on blogger... is there a limit? why do the disappear? BOOBS is one of them and something something something fat chick... WTF? I keep adding them and it doesn't seem to stay????? Any ideas super techie bloggers?

6. I bought a super cool game today... follow this link to check it out...http://www.yikerzgame.com/

7. I was thinking of something super funny for todays blog last night but when I woke up I couldn't remember what it was. I should have written it and saved it... my mind is going...

8. I have Duran Duran tickets to see them on September 1st at a Casino about 2 hours North of where Im at. I don't know if Im looking forward to it or if Im dreading it...I hate running into people from ages ago even though my life is great I don't look like I wish I did when I run into them. Im hoping the real bitches will look like crap too... fingers crossed x

9. Big kid is away at camp and usually little kid and I would hang out and it would be nice and peaceful. But little kid is making me nuts... is there a crazy 8's??? It would be kinda like the terrible 2's but more of an a**hole and not as cute while doing it???

10/Dix/Ten.. I will end this with a treat for you... my Coconut Mojito recipe...

3-4 fresh mint leaves

simple syrup - to taste (this is boiled down sugar water)

1/2 a lime - sliced

coconut rum - to taste

- muddle all this together - really crush up the mint and lime

add soda water and lots of ice... swirl clockwise with a stick of sugar cane or your finger and chant before you drink "I'm not worthy"

so YUM (please note: this does NOT promote weight loss but gets you drunk before you know it - don't drink and drive people)

Happy Thursday!!!!

OMG!!!!! OMG!!!!! OMG!!!!

Last night I was visited by the liposuction fairy. 

I love the liposuction fairy and she's a very busy gal but she took pity on me and came to me and sucked out 3lbs. so when I weighed in this morning here's what I saw...

Yup 254.4 thats 4.4 lbs down from last week.... WOOO HOO!!!! Thank you Liposuction Fairy!


I really hate that my happiness is still so connected to the numbers on the scale but I was so shocked but I was smiling... it's a hard habit to break being so effected by the numbers on the scale but at least my self worth is no longer attached to them so I guess cutting one cord at a time is a start.


So YEAH for ME!!!! and YEAH for all of YOU too!!!! Happy Day!!!