Thursday, 26 April 2012

The Thursday of the 10 things...

Im doing this week in pictures... totally random like my mind... Enjoy!

#1. I LOVE Betty White!!!!!

#2. I woke up on Monday morning to this outside my window... Really I don't live that far North... It's natures way of delaying my walking outside - nature knows I hate walking and my feet hurt. Thanks Nature!!!

#3. My bathroom reno is ALMOST done... For those of you who may have read before - I have been in reno hell since before my surgery with all hopes to be done by my surgery (March 7) but we are still at it - ahhhhh!!!

#4. I have been off track for several weeks now and I need to get back on track - my fill (adjustment) didn't seem to do much and my period took me for a crazy ride. I haven't been watching my chews and portion sizes so Im sometimes starving and sometimes stuck!

#5. I need a pedicure desperately... my toes are sad :(  Kinky in Helsinki where are you!!!!

#6. This is a photo of one of THE BEST things I ever bought... A soft boiled egg top slicer - Im sure it has a real name but I don't know what it is. This was this mornings breakfast with my dry WW toast and my yummy farm fresh happy chicken soft boiled egg with a perfect hole made for dipping. I love this gadget!!!!

#7. So back to my #4 issue... I have promised myself that this weekend will be full of good food (well fruit & veggie) experiments and green smoothies - Im going on a little detox to get rid of those post period chocolate cravings - thanks to one of the blogs that I was reading (I'm so sorry I can't remember who's blog it was) she pointed me to this website... and Im going to see if I can really add the spinach without the taste - wish me luck I need to get myself back in the groove and fast!

#8. Because of my smoothie quest I now have blender problems... I bought the Bamix hand blender that was suppose to be the greatest blender of all time - for soups and the puree stage but now I wish I had a Vitamix - my friend has one and says its the best - I keep seeing it everywhere lately and think its a sign to splurge and get one but I think I will put hubby in an early grave if I spend $700+ on a blender... 


#9. Im going to see Gilly in her play tomorrow. So Awesome! I can't wait!

#10. This is a photo taken by my 7 year old of us. He is my joy (a bit of a pain in the butt when he doesn't get his way but overall the love of my life) Yes, it is awful to say I get along with him better than his brother - even thought I think he would be more likely to put me in a home LOL! He says wonderful things to me about my weight and I hope I can meet my goal so I can live a long life to watch what he'll become.

Im taking the weekend off from blogging (maybe) I'll be back and hopefully on track on Monday! Happy weekend everyone!

Sunday, 22 April 2012

Ive been ravaged by TOM!!!

No not TOM Cruise (yuck) or TOM Jones (double yuck)... just that Time Of the Month...

Fill or no fill I have allowed myself to eat my body weight in chips and chocolate for the past 4 days...  All I want is red meat, potato chips and chocolate. Im afraid of the scale now. Disappointed in myself and can feel that self hate creeping in. WHY???? Why did I let myself give in - it was like I was possessed I was soooo hungry all the time - my tummy was grumbling and I wasn't even making it for 2 hours on most days. Is this normal? I have another fill appt. on May 17th and I clearly need it. Why can I get eggs down without PBing but chips and the chocolate are fine? This is my 1st TOM since I was able to eat solid food - will this happen all the time???? AHHHHHH!!!!!!! Please tell me NO!

Ive been reading some amazing blogs this weekend and seeing the great progress others have been making (NSV's and scale #'s) and I am fearful that this will not be the case with me. Im sure Ive gained after the crazed food binge that Ive just come off of and it took all my effort and focus to get on track with my food in the first place and now I feel derailed. Sometimes I think that food has a horrible hold on me.

Thursday, 19 April 2012

10 things Thursday plus 1

I really like Thursdays -thanks Laura Ok here's my 10 things plus 1 since I haven't blogged a lot this week I saved it all for now... 1. Since my fill I have been stuck a few times and I now know that there is approx. 2 bites between being full and being stuck. Now I have also noticed that its usually happens when I'm super hungry and I don't take my time with that 1st bite - yup -1st bite syndrome I have it and I don't want it. 2. I broke my PB virginity on Monday and I now understand what all of you are talking about. Up until then I would get stuck and just stay like that - the food just sat hurting me - not doing up or down but now that it has come up and up and up... I'm all the happier not worrying about what it feels like. 3. I've hit the 250's woo hoo I've broken though at 259.4 and plan to see 252 by my sons birthday in May - 252 is what I weighed the day he was born 12 years ago. 4. My bathroom reno is almost done - I really shouldn't talk about it or I may jinx the progress but the boys can use the toilet and the sink now and will be using he shower by... Let's say Tuesday to be on the safe side. 5. It's funny the tricks your body plays on you - my body hurts lately cause I'm doing more but I feel like I've gained 20 lbs but I haven't. 6. I'm going next Friday to see the wonderful Gilly in her play. I'm so excited for her. 7. My hubbys been away all week and I get to sleep with my beautiful baby. This makes me o happy to wake up next to him. 8. I'm still struggling to get back on track with the food planning but it's been hard and TOM is here now and has brought a salty tooth all I want is chips but on a NSV note they don't taste the same since I have had them in so long and they actually have a greasy taste to them. Yeah I'm starting not to like chips and crave cottage cheese!! 9. I still love chocolate and nothing could tear us apart! 10. I'm so grateful for all you positive bloggers I hope the new generations of bandsters will be able to follow in the success footsteps of the original superstars and boobs. Plus 1... Good night everyone :)

Monday, 16 April 2012

Whats with all the downers ???

I know Im a newbie and everything is all 'wow I have a band' but lately I have been reading ALOT of blogs that have just given up??? Is there a 2 year itch? I don't get it? I know that bogging is sacred and that you can write everything here without judgement but Ive also read comments on other peoples blogs that are depressing that are written by some of these downers... Why spread the boo hoo's?

Ive lost only 3 lbs but Im going down and my attitude is going up and Im happy today but even if I blogged a really shitty depressing day I would never comment on someone else's shitty depressing day by saying 'hey Im feeling depressed too lets give up together' WTF! Are you sad that you don't have a self pity friend? FOOD is your self pity friend and thats why you probably got a band in the first place...

So write what you want on your own blog but don't spread your dissatisfaction for your weight loss and your band blame to others!

Friday, 13 April 2012

My 1st ever BYOC and on a Friday the 13th!!!

1. Whether you’re a parent or not….what do you think the appropriate age is to talk to a child about “the birds and the bees”?
As soon as they ask... I do a PG version for my 7 year old but pull out all the stops with my puberty ridden tween and then I tell him that no matter how gross or insane sounding it is - I his mom is telling him the TRUTH and  his friends are wrong!!!

2. What’s the color scheme in your bedroom?
Dark Brown, Burgundy, Purple and Gold

3. What kind of shampoo and conditioner do you use on your hair?
Im a bit high maintenance in this department... I use Kevin Murphy - Angel Wash and Angel Rinse - but since my hair fiasco of February I have been using Joico K-Pac reconstructor for my extremely fried hair that BTW is still the WRONG colour.

4. And since it’s nearly summer time…do you paint your own toes, go some place for pedicures or not paint your toes at all? What’s your fave toe colour?
Im a pedi girl but not because Im high maintenance but because I can't reach my toes to paint them anymore (this is actually an item on my 'when I lose weight list') so because I will only ever go naked in the winter I get a pedi every few months. My favourite colour is OPI Kinki in Helsinki - dark hot pink.

5. Repeat question: Summarize your week!
Ive had a good week. Got my 1st fill and am trying to get my life in order so I don't get stuck anymore and listen to my body. Today I got stuck again but that will be another blog. My kids are being pretty good this week and Im trying not to let them get to me. My job is great but it has its moments but I need to remember how good I really have it when it comes to my job. I booked my Xmas Vacation to Orlando - Universal and then off to a rented house with private pool - yeah!!!! I love Friday the 13th - I was married on the 13th and 13 is my lucky # AND I even won a $100 shopping spree on a Friday the 13th when I was a 13. I watched a baby be born today (Im a Doula) and I love watching life happen - it reminds you of what is important.

Thursday, 12 April 2012

First fill - oops sorry "ADJUSTMENT"...

adjustment |əˈjəstmənt|
a small alteration or movement made to achieve a desired fit, appearance, or result: I've made a few adjustments to my diet / only slight adjustments to the band are necessary.• the process of adapting or becoming used to a new situation: for many bandsters there may need to be a period of adjustment.
Well thats it in a nut shell...
Today I had my first adjustment with Tammy - not Sue - who I was suppose to see - which bugs me since I asked for Sue.... anyways...
I had spoken to Sue (Sue, Tammy & Debbie are the fill nurses) on Tuesday and told her about being stuck and she gave me some tips - called it 1st bite syndrome (its funny how everything is a 'syndrome' now) anyways... after we spoke I felt good about going in for my 'adjustment' since she said really smart things like... "dont worry we know where the Dr puts the port" and "stress makes you tighter" etc...
So I arrive today after not eating or drinking anything for 1 hour before the appointment...

Here I am arriving with my blue car in the background.
I go in ask for Sue and then Tammy comes out. She takes me into a room and we talk about how Im feeling and what I am eating and I retold the stuck story and then she says "well I really don't think that you need a fill" WTF!!!! Im starving ALL the time and I even tried to eat the ham after the Easter thing and it still did not want to go down - so it was ham not the band. I was shocked!!!!! Ok I said - then I explained to her that other than the Easter ham I have been eating everything and that I am still hungry before my 4hr mark. She gave me a little lecture about how Im learning to eat with the band and that there is already 4cc's in it and maybe I should learn a bit more before my fill...
Ok - I drive all this way (1 hour one way) and Im getting nothing - we talked some more, she told me that I should maybe not eat with my family if it is stressful and eat alone and then join them as stress tightens your port and then after I told her about my terrible stress she finally gave in and added a tiny little bit....
She got the needle ready...see below

Which was way smaller than I remember at the consultation... She found my port fast and she removed all the fluid from my band to make sure I still had what they put in me and added.....

She claims thats alot and then she gave me water to drink and I burped about 10 seconds later and she started freaking out that she shouldn't have given me the 0.3cc's but she did not ask to remove it. She was fast and gentle although a bit cold and she did find my port and when she took the needle out she had to yank a bit so I knew it was stuck in something - I hope it was the right spot ???? 
See the spot below... Its they tiny dot to the bottom right of my scars.

So the first time was a good experience and Im eating fine - not stuck on anything. Head hunger is still in my face but no amount of saline in my band can fix that.
I hope it keeps me fuller and the scale starts showing some smaller #'s. 
I was down .4lbs since my surgery day so I hope in the weeks to come I will have this eating thing nailed and the lbs will be dropping off.
Ok Im off to bed now...
Happy Friday the 13th Everyone!!!!!

Tuesday, 10 April 2012

Bad Awful Days, 1 month banded & SUPER STUCK!!!!

The week leading up to Easter was awful - everything that I wanted to do never got done. It reminded me of a book that I used to read my kids called "Grover's Bad Awful Day" where his whole day was awful and his mommy fixed it. Well my mommy doesn't fix stuff she is nuts on the good days and crazy on the bad ones...

So it all started with work - I totally forgot what day it was - I had a big group coming in that day and I had lost track of an entire WEEK - that looks great on me in my bosses eyes. I did get through it and I apologized alot.

Then on Saturday I went to see my parents - I could hear them whispering in the other room that 'I was still FAT and maybe the surgery didn't work or maybe I never had the surgery and just took their money'

So I marched into the other room showed them my giant healing super slow scars and told them that I lost 24 lbs.. I hate them sometimes especially my father - he is the reason that I started my eating disorder at 13 and kept gaining weight to spite him - too bad I was already too heavy before I realized it was hurting myself too and that he didn't really care.

After that episode I spiralled - eating chocolate, chips etc. anything to make me numb. I thought I was doing well - but nothing like my parents to make me feel all the self hate I carry.

Then my internet was down for 2 days so I couldn't blog about my day or my 1 month with the band which was totally overshadowed by the events of Easter...

Sunday Easter dinner and my hubby's divorced friend came over for Easter supper (I have never met him before & he doesn't know about my surgery) My husband said that I should just use a regular plate and just make it look like I'm eating the same.


Within 5 minutes I wanted to die... I was stuck and stuck like never before. I went to the bathroom and all I could do was spit up clear slime - I couldn't breathe, my throat hurt - I couldn't get the food up and out and it would not go down. I ate too fast, too big bites and paid the price. I had to run upstairs take off all my clothing and sit down, stand up, shake my body and try to get my food to move.

I can't even remember what the last bite was - I was not thinking. I need to be kinder and more careful - I CAN NOT ruin this band.

So that was the week Ive had. I have been in this strange state where Im ignoring everything that I NEED to pay attention to since the work fiasco. I can't muster up the attitude to deal with everything including my band. I feel like I want to escape for a bit. I need my life back to normal plus I need to figure out how to work with this band. I have my first fill on Thursday so I will blog again after that.

Thanks for reading the ravings of an in between crazy woman.

Tuesday, 3 April 2012

I need a plan! Getting my food together...

My life is absolute chaos - no mater what I do there seems to never be enough time to do it in.

I'll let you in on a little secret... Im time challenged - since childhood - I have not be official diagnosed but I know I am - 1 hour to me is like 3 to the average person. I think Oprah did a show on it a long time ago where people confronted their time challenged friends and family and told them how their problem effected them... Maybe thats why I still can't eat my food and make it last 20 minutes? When I want time to go slow it goes fast and when I want to go fast time goes slowly... This is my lot in life - I have gotten much better now that I know what my problem is and I have kids.

Anyway back to my original though....

I need a plan - I am so chaotic in the mornings and seems to be all the time lately that I cannot organize my food and its really making me depressed. I am soooo hungry at work and then realize I left my food on the counter or that I didn't bring enough at all to satisfy me.

I should be able to go 4 hours but I can't and then I got scolded by my boss for eating at my desk on a 4 hour shift - that I 'should eat before I come' - saying 'yes lady that WAS the plan but I cannot get my shit together to do so' really wouldn't go over well.

So I call for Blogger Help...

What do you bring to snack on?

Any ideas would be great - Im trying to be creative in the kitchen but chaos keeps interfering - Im usually so with it but Im not sure what is happening here - Life has not been kind to me since I have gotten the band.

Sunday, 1 April 2012

Sisterly Sabotage and Food Connections

I have started solids and I ate my pizza (which I said would be my 1st solid food) and it was nice eating 1 slice instead of 4 and I ate it very slowly and carefully and it was a success. But I have been getting stuck on and off since and it is soooo frustrated. It seems to not have a pattern - I think Im eating too fast? or maybe Im just not mindful? So on Friday I set out to be focused but then it was Saturday.... I had planned to go celebrate my sisters belated birthday with my other sisters (4 + me) at her house.

Our plan was to play wii and eat really good food (I haven't seen them since my surgery) I specifically asked to have more healthy choices instead of the usual junk and I brought some lower fat versions of my usual bring to parties food - they all agreed. I was pleased when it all started veggies, soup my low fat pinwheels and then the cookies and the jalapeño poppers and the deep fried mushrooms and the chips and chocolate and cupcakes and ice cream showed up. The will power was not expecting this sneaky attack. I gave in and of course I was hoping I would get stuck so my brain would retreat and stop but no why would I get stuck while eating absolute fattening crap?

So I left feeling really shitty about myself and again driving in the point that I must do this myself and I can't count on others to help. It also made me realize how much our relationship is connected by food. Two sisters in particular - 1 is always on a diet and is at a semi healthy weight but she has her own dark side with food - her deal is that she will starve and then have a 'binge day' - this is how she rolls. My other sister the youngest of the bunch and is at a very unhealthy weight and needs her food - she is single, lives at home and spends all of her money travelling and eating out - we used to always do all -you- can- eat sushi - she seemed so sad when I said I didn't think I could do it right now. Im afraid that without the food connection maybe we wouldn't have any connection at all since we are so different as people... (I did not grow up with the girls - long story for another blog about adoption). Maybe that is why I don't say no when the deep fried and fatty offerings come - I don't want to not be one of the gang.

I never thought about how I am connected with people through food before the band but when food is all of a sudden taken off its place of high power and then broken apart (like a yummy piece of crusty bread) you can see that it is a complex addiction because EVERYONE EATS and you can always find someone who wants to escape through food.

So I guess if I can isolate myself from the loving yet way too connected through food sisters I can get through the 1st trimester with Lola... I should be golden after my 3 months of chew chew chewing, working out what I can eat and my early morning brainwashing mantra.