Thursday, 29 December 2011

To tell or not to tell ????

Ok - tomorrow is my sister dinner with my birth sisters.

a bit of background.... I was adopted and raised as an only child and found my birth family almost 12 years ago - 2 full sisters (birth mom & dad married) plus 2 half sisters (birth mom and dad didn't work out)

We have a strange relationship - where they call me their sister but sometimes dont include me in super important moments.

My surgery is super important. I do not need anything negative. So the 2 full sisters 1 would be positive and secretly hate me and the other is a crap shoot. The 2 half sisters would be good about it and not really care cause they are young and the world revolves around them.

So my problem is I cant tell 1 with out telling all 4.

Do I tell or not??? They will obviously notice me losing weight and not eating tons of food at special occasions.

Im so torn... I was going to tell one of them but then stopped myself. I think I felt it was not fair to tell the 1 and not the others - too much of a secret for her to keep. She has a weight issue too so I really wanted to tell her but she's also the youngest so Its alot of info to take in.

I've got till 4:00pm tomorrow to decide...

Sunday, 25 December 2011

Friday, 23 December 2011

It's snowing!!!!

It's snowing!!! Outside - not on the blog- it's snowing on the blog too but that's not what I'm talking about.

Yes in Canada we have not had alot of snow yet and I live North of Toronto where you never get snow because of the protective smog shield in the atmosphere.

I was getting disappointed that there would not be snow for Christmas but this morning I woke up and there is snow - not alot - but snow that hopefully will stay until Christmas!!!

I guess thats one good thing about the cold it may keep some snow here for Santa!

I hate the cold but love the look of snow - especially for Christmas - White Christmas and all that!!! It can go away right after Christmas - yup - 26th of December bye bye!

Keeping my fingers crossed for a snowy Christmas for the kids and the dog!

Happy Holidays Everyone !!!! May you be safe and happy!!!

Wednesday, 21 December 2011

The Doctor doesn't know ME!!!

So I DONT have sleep apnea - I told them... nope it's those happy pills you're giving me - no, no, no! You are obese its VERY dangerous this tired feeling must be apnea, you should go be tortured with a sleep study... what ever makes you happy...  you will need one for your surgery (I don't) and Im sure its not the pills they have the opposite effect - Well I know me and a Motrin makes me loopy so why wouldnt the pills - you'll feel better knowing.

OK I went for the study aka 'a night of torment' and I would rather give birth again to a 9lb. baby with no drugs that be poked and attached to the sleep study wires, be in a clinic with several strange strangers, try to sleep in a bed that who knows has slept in before me and be watched while I sleep by people who I've just met met.

So I got the call yesterday and guess what "maybe you're right it might be the pills I put you on." WOW thats an amazing thought that I might know myself better than you do - huh??? who would have thought that I was right about me?

In general I like my doctor maybe she was having an off day or 6 when I got into this with her. She's become more and more careful as my weight has gone up and up and really I do know my body best.

Sunday, 18 December 2011

Moving my surgery date is a NO!!!

I so wanted to move my surgery date up - I feel sooo heavy and its starting to hurt and make me tired so I called and the days I wanted were full and I had 3 to pick from.

So here I am stuck with March 7th, 2012. I wish that I had the will power that some of you had to do it ASAP - go in and book it right away - me 'the planner' went in and decided - then left and then said OK the most convenient date is.... March 7th, 2012 and called back with my deposit.

The idea that I planned my surgery date while considering - Not wanting to miss eating - at Christmas -My birthday party trip to the Bahamas in January with my friends - where I will still be the fat friend - My 40th birthday - where I will still be fat wondering if I'll have a heart attack after I eat my fab lobster dinner and not get the surgery after all cause I'll be dead and last but not least - My work obligations including an opening night gala with yummy food that I have been actually planning to eat since September which is on February 21st - the day before my POST OP liquid hell start date.

My whole thinking is changing - I cant believe how quickly - I'm no longer scared after reading all the wonderful blogs here and and I WANT the surgery NOW and to start a different life as ME - but at the time that I made the decision - I was afraid and afraid of all the eating that I would miss - I know all about the 'food funeral' mine will just last for months it seems.

Oh well - I guess its meant to be this way anyway it would shock the hell out of my friends if I was no longer the fat one. Wont they be surprised next year at their 40th birthday trips...

Tuesday, 13 December 2011

Just realized....

I just realized everything will change... I havent been under 200lbs since 1999.
I will sit lower in my car - I'll have to move the seat up....
Everything that I bought is for fat me not a thin me - not only me will change my surroundings and the people I know will change too. Im afraid of the backlash from others who only have fat me to contend with - will they feel the same about a thinner more me like me??? My siblings (who I was not raised with) I wonder how they will treat me? They have only known me as fat me and only for 11 years? I was never a threat before as fat me - what if we really look alike once Im thin me - will that change things? Im not saying I wont have the surgery - Im just wondering what outside will be like when Im not the fat girl - its a different world from before - Im the fat mom - that gets made fun of - what will the kids friends say when Im not? Will life just get better for everyone in a domino effect?

OK - this is a bit too deep - my birth mom is really sick and Im not too sure if she's 'dying' yet or just going through the stages until she is officially 'dying'. I don't know how long or when or how I feel about this. I've only known her since 2000 and she is the source of alot of my childhood & adult binging - the idea of her only knowing fat me kind bothers me - Im SOOOOO selfish - but I feel like she needs to know the thin me - the girl she can be proud of but maybe I wont hit my goal before she is no longer here. I feel like she was disappointed in me when we met face to face. I was pregnant so she couldn't gauge but I had a baby and never lost weight so - I was her long lost FAT daughter.

Im going to have to tell my birth mother now about the surgery... I didn't want to but I will just in case... that way maybe she could picture me thin if she gets sicker.

I just wanted to write this out! Sorry for being a downer...


The List!

This is a list of all the things I want to do once the weight comes off.
The list is not in order since I hope to do stuff as soon as I can and I cant really remember what weight I was when I last did some of these things. I cant believe how much I've let go to be fat.

  1. Sit on the floor with the kids
  2. Get stuff from upstairs (instead of sending the kids)
  3. Pick up something from the floor - there has been a green highlighter under my desk at work for 2 months (the cleaners don't seem to clean there) and for the life of me I cannot get down there to get it so I pretend not to know its there but its driving me crazy!
  4. Ride a bike
  5. Dance - not professionally just for fun
  6. Clean my house in 1 day instead of in parts because I get to tired
  7. Buy sale cloths that are $5 not $39.99
  8. Buy cloths where I want
  9. Get a bikini wax
  10. Paint my own toes
  11. Wear shoes I have to do up
  12. Wear cute shoes - there are so many in my closet that I haven't seen in ages
  13. Go see a baseball game with my kids - Ive been too afraid I can't fit in the seats
  14. Take my kids to Canada's Wonderland - again can't fit on the rides
  15. Wear the seatbelt in my sisters car - really important - who makes a seatbelt that short? 
  16. Wear a bathing suit
  17. Take a bath
  18. Wear a regular robe at the spa on my birthday-wont they be shocked!
  19. Do up my winter coat
  20. Wear my winter coat when winter begins instead of my wrap or sweater (trying to delay the wearing of my winter coat that does NOT do up anymore)
  21. Play
  22. Fit in a booth at the restaurant
  23. Take the dog for a daily walk
  24. Buy jeans - I don't know if I'll even like jeans since I only wear dresses and skirts but I would like the option to buy them if I want to.
  25. Ask for a doggie bag
  26. Sit cross legged
  27. Go up the stairs without holding on
  28. Sit on my hubby's lap
  29. Have my mom see me thin - she's 85
  30. Get on a horse again 
  31. Carry my son to bed - I cant add his weight to mine it's too much
  32. Walk barefoot - ahhhh!!!!
  33. Go for a walk to the waterfall with my kids - I have never seen it its been too far for me to walk
  34. Travel
  35. Post a full length photo of me on Facebook
  36. Sit in an airplane seat in economy
  37. Wear pants
  38. Buy some lingerie
  39. Take a 'mom not hiding behind a kid and a dog' family photo
  40. Cry about something other than being fat
  41. Meet me again
Thats it for now...

Sunday, 11 December 2011

My first photo...

He doesn't care that I'm fat... but then again he has never had me any other way. 


Yup - my period runs like a German commuter train - So that being said I will have my period the day after my surgery.

Ok - how did I - Ms. Type A overlook this???? Maybe I should use more sick time and get the date sooner than later???

I bit the bullet and told my boss anyway - I have to go through her for all time off and I thought that would be best - I asked her not to tell anyone but Im sure others know.

My sisters dont know - everytime I thing NOW I will tell them I feel ill so I don't - its a complicated relationship anyway... LOOOOONG story and a very different blog!

So back to my time of the month - I hate HATE nothing more than my monthly visitor - I would stay fat another year if my period would go away forever!!! Maybe that's why that TV lady has 20 kids - so she never has her period???

I am a mental case every month and cannot deal with regular life but after surgery - that will be ugly! Maybe I should go on the pill for 2 months to make sure I don't get it at all? (it worked for my wedding...)

I dont see anything more important than the surgery now - I wish I could have it right now but I have to turn 40 with my ladies and then start the new decade with me - 40 year old wiser banded me!

I have been reading blogs from the start reading about the pre op diet - not happy about that but again better than my period!

Ive been reading about the shoulder pain, the port pain and the fill pain. All pain I hope to handle to also be able to celebrate like you - the Onederland - the100lbs. lost - 110 lost - 120 lost - god if I go with my BMI chart I need to be down to 140lbs at the high end - thats 137lbs. - That seems so far away....

Anyway - you all amaze me! I am honoured to me here with such strong and amazing people - thanks for sharing your stories... any advice would be helpful - any tips on the period thing would also help.


Thursday, 8 December 2011

Fat in the winter...

I hate being fat in the winter. I feel even fatter wearing a sweater and boots and a coat and a scarf. I live in Ontario Canada and it really cold here. I try to hold out as much as I can not putting on the winter coat wearing my sweater coat and Birks for as long as I can hold out but as the winter drags on I cannot avoid the extra fat layer of clothing. Today some older lady over heard me tell my friend that we needed to drink and soon so she said that I shouldn't be drinking in my condition - I told her I was not pregnant and the fact that she thought I was is even more reason for me to drink. LOL My best friend once told me that he thought that it was less insulting that people thought I was pregnant than fat... I sometimes am convinced he was right but sometimes not so much.

OK now Im off to debate if I can do my surgery any sooner and to find non fat winter cloths to wear until April.

Until later,


Tuesday, 6 December 2011 we go!

Ok - this is my first time blogging... but I've been inspired. I thought that this may give me a way to track my journey before and after my band and share with others and have others share with me.

I live in Ontario, Canada. I have been researching off and on for about 9 years now. But never had the money or could justify spending so much on ME - plus I was scared of the surgery - still am - but I fear a heart attack more.

I weigh 277 lbs. today and am 5'3''. I haven't played with my kids for about 5 years now because of my weight - my youngest is 7 - so he doesn't EVER remember me playing... I really don't do much anymore unless I have to. I have decided that this has been enough of my life wasted. I will be turning 40 in February and I think I have spent enough time away from me and I would really like to have memories with my family that do not include me sitting on a bench because Im to tired to walk any further. I have made my decision to go with SWLC in Mississauga Ontario - Dr. Cobourn, I have paid my deposit and have 91 days until my surgery date - March 7, 2012.

I told someone today that I have spent most of my life 'on a team by myself' and she told me that I will find the rest of my team here... maybe thats all that I needed to find myself again???

I will post before photos soon.

Until Later,