Sunday, 9 June 2013


...must be funny yet firm, like long sweaty walks and whining, bitching and moaning during them. Must also like chocolate and Charlie's Angels.

Today Im on a quest to find 1. a personal trainer  and 2. my motivation.

Is motivation like your mojo - can it just shrivel up and die? or have the years of weight gain, depression and self hate made it run for the hills?

Today is a sunny yet cold day and Im hoping to do some yard work (which I hate but I like the end result), find another personal trainer and try to reach into myself and pull out the last remnants of my former self.

I'll let you know how it goes!

Wednesday, 5 June 2013

Weigh in Wednesday

Today: 261.8
Last week: 265.8

Still not as low as I was when I originally lost but months of slider foods can do that to the scale. I am really surprised that Im losing with almost no fill in the band. Im hungry especially when work is stressful (head). I had wanted to do a mini pre op diet 1 week shakes but Im so busy and I remember how evil I was on shakes alone not to mention the headaches. So Im doing my fittness pal and trying to weight everything daily (except myself) and weigh in 1x per week and recommit to my blog.

Until next time...

Tuesday, 4 June 2013

The Personal Trainer

My meeting with the only personal trainer not attached to a gym in my area was insane. I figured when I spoke to her on the phone she was a bit 'organic' and was shocked that I had a band that she had no clue was even a possible weight loss option but when I got there she looked normal so I was happy about that. But then she started to talk and she talked about this healer that she knows and then gave me info on IRIDOLOGY???? Whats that? Well this lady she knows looks into your eyeball and can tell you about how healthy you are and what your allergic to and what your emotional blockages are etc. OK - so I'm sitting there on this really low cushion with my bad knee BTW thinking ok this is weird its been 15 minutes and she hasn't asked me anything about exercise - weird right? So I listen to her talk about eating healthy and no whites, no gluten, no this no that and I go into my shpeel about I have a band, I work with a team at my clinic that includes a dietician and a nurse whom I adore and they are taking care of my food input and I really just need help with the exercise portion of my journey because that is not my strong suit blah blah blah....  Well then she talks about exercise - She tells me she likes to workout outside when its nice - OK - She says that she doesn't use machines - OK (please note: that we covered all this information on the phone prior to me going to meet her for what I thought was my training assessment) Then her raw food chef housemate comes in... great a new thing to sell me. The raw chef goes on about how she cured herself of cancer by only eating raw unprocessed foods and about blue green algae - which like most of you I have used somewhere along my diet journey so I start saying again that I have a complicated relationship with food, that my band is sensitive and that it has taken a year to just figure how to eat with it and that Im NOT interested in dealing with my food that my nurse at the clinic and I have a good thing going and that I would like to just give the band a chance to do its job and not really learn a new way to eat etc etc... then raw food chef says that she could work with my clinic OMG NO! Then I go into I don't want to eat raw food I am fully aware of acidic food vs alkaline food and that I have an extensive knowledge of food from many years of a heavy duty eating disorder that had me eating 200 calories a day and lots blue green algae and doing every diet under the sun for over 15 years.... that I have made a life changing commitment when I had a plastic band put into my body and ALL I wanted was a personal trainer for EXERCISE. She said ok and gave me her card. So we are about an hour in at this point. ZERO personal training - no forms to fill out - no measurements taken - NOTHING. So personal trainer lady says that she just wants to help me and thats theres no pressure to use these other services - again OMG really? since I walked through the door it was selling this and that but not herself. So I wanted to give it a try since I exhausted the entire internet looking for someone like her and found only her and made a bunch of appointments because I went there for personal training and I wanted to come back for personal training but when I woke up this morning I felt bad I felt like I was being judged because I like processed foods and I get stuck on certain 'good' foods because I have a foreign object inside my body to aid weight loss and that she didnt hear my original request when I spoke to her for almost an hour on the phone telling her I have a band and that Im only looking for help with the exercise part of this very hard journey. Im not sure what I should do? My banded gut says no - this is going to be depressing but maybe Im afraid of the exercise? Maybe my fat girl protective shield went up automatically when they started attacking my beloved FOOD...  Maybe this is the missing piece and Ive avoided it all these years because its hard work and I dont really want it as bad as I say I do? The only thing that Ive never excelled at is exercise - I am clueless when it comes to exercise I am NOT motivated. I know I need the push from someone other than my family and friends - But I dont want to feel judged and bad that I am in this situation - I just wanted to burn calories and sweat.