Yesterday was my 10th wedding anniversary and I remember being this fat bride (thats me 30lbs lighter with S giving me running shoes cause I was dying in my heels) not believing that my hubby wanted to marry me but was just doing the 'right thing' cause we had a baby. This went one for several years as my weight creeped up and up my vision of me got lost in all the layers.
I remember my lowest point I was wishing death and thinking that my children would be better off without this fat useless mother who cant do anything with them. Hubby and I were barely talking and I was eating 2 dinners every night. I was suffocating under my weight and I kept eating wishing that my heart would stop - but then I would get scared that the kids would find me. I couldn't see straight I was a giant ball of hate - hate for me - hate for life. It was coming out everywhere - I was such a bitch to strangers - to my in-laws - to my parents. Thankfully I wasn't working at the time or I would have been fired... I sat on an executive board and they couldn't wait until my reign of terror was over (I still pop by from time to time just to stress them out LOL). I wasnt talking to anyone about my problems - we'll I tried but I could find anyone who could relate - they said they had eating issues but they were not my eating issues - barfers and starvers didnt understand it - HA funny thing was I was a purger all those years ago and I would wonder how many of them would give it up to only become the 1 thing that they were terrified of - ok thats a different blog post!
Anyway the point is - I didn't walk by mirrors - I had one full mirror in my home and it was covered by my robe that didn't fit me anymore. I avoided photos and would quickly delete from FB any tags. I was in denial of how I looked and I was avoiding myself entirely - everything that was me was becoming buried and lost. I had no idea of who I was anymore. This was a 10 year project of taking bits of me and hiding them so far away that I couldn't find them when I started looking - even that sesame street video couldn't help me...
So at the end of 2011 I decided that before I actually died and left my boys without their mom because of something that I did to myself I would get myself back to me. No more rage and hate and self loathing. This was starting to show on them - my crap was sticking to my beautiful babies - I was so ashamed - I was so far in my hole that I couldn't see what was in front of me anymore.
I was ready to find the lost pieces but could never do it as I was. Thats when I started looking at the band - I was too terrified to do the by-pass (which is covered in Canada) So with every penny I had - hows that for a commitment - WHAT WAS I THINKING ??? - I found a lap band clinic, set a date, told only a chosen few and went for it on March 7th, 2012
Now you can read my journey to that point but I want to kip ahead to now. I have had a crazy pb'ing, painful ride with this band and even though Ive come to a standstill right now. I am finding myself little by little - you never know where the hell the old me will pop up - its funny when you do something that is like deja vu and then you realize that you were the one to do it so many years ago.
Thats where Im at now. Im not hiding - GOD somedays I want to hide - but Im not - Im fighting for this one. I can proudly say that everything in my life I ever really fought for I have got. Its time to feel that want - that drive. I want to be successful at this - yes, because I paid $16,000.00 - yes, cause I want to have really hot sex again - yes, because I want to touch my feet - but mostly because I don't want to let myself down anymore. Because I miss me and I'd like to see me again.