Sunday, 25 March 2012

Living like a fat girl...

Hi everyone,

I feel lighter but have not gotten on a scale again since the last disappointing weigh in (and won't until my fill). TOM showed up, I do notice my knees don't hurt as much and Im up later at night - more energy or stress??? I have been sailing through soft stage. Meat seems to be my problem - feeling stuck a few times but couldn't tell if I ate it too fast or if it was just the meat in the dish. Bread is fine - Thank god - I would cry if I couldn't have any bread. My neighbours have noticed that I've lost weight - my kid noticed - my family noticed - so how come I DONT NOTICE?

I still operate like a fat person. I take the stairs one step at a time, Im thinking about food all the time again, I feel so hungry and I know sometimes (probably most times) it's brain hunger but Im still living my life around my food and my mobility issues and that fat girl is still in control.

My big scar is not healing as quick as I had hoped it would. This is a reminder that I can't go in the pool for aqua fit. Walking still hurts alot since I have plantar faciitis and I think I need about 50 more lbs off to get some relief there. I even bought a wii fit and haven't even set it up. I'm in fat lady mode - lots of excuses and with no plan and I can't get out.

I am planning a family trip in December to Universal Orlando - my little guy is finally big enough for rides and I soooo want to see The Wizarding World of Harry Potter. At the beginning I was so excited - I have my band and should be in my onederland by December - this will be such a awesome fun trip with mommy able to go on rides etc. (Dad does not do rides) and then I start planning - but Im planning as a fat person - How far is everything from each other? Do the rides have weight restrictions? How long does it take to walk the park? I can feel my feet and hips hurting as I look at the park map. Hot sun will swell my feet up like balloons and the chub rub -OMG the pain of the Chub Rub - I MUST bring baby powder. Im even picking the hotel because I like its restaurants better than the others.


I need a total mind frame adjustment - is that included with my band? Some old fashion brain washing would be wonderful right about now... Why is there not a cult of former fatties that kidnap you in the potato chip aisle and take you to their hide-a-way and alter your mind and then release you back into the world thinking that everything is fine and you are in total control of your life and food and that you can do this... and that you don't like chips & chocolate anymore? Im on to something here aren't I?

Last night I went on some of my favourite blogs of the ladies that have hit goal or almost goal and I was trying to figure out when this funk would stop and I noticed that many of the old school bandsters wouldn't post their total weight - just how much they lost. Maybe I should be looking at the small numbers instead of the giant scale number? Maybe this would help me feel more successful. I am down a total of 22lbs from my highest weight 284. I am down 17lbs since pre op and 1lb since surgery - I guess that looks better than the 261 on the scale.

I know that I will always have a core of a fat girl - I can never shed the years of teasing and dieting and sometimes I think she is what makes me a good person and loving because I would be a total bitch if I was always a skinny girl (I can admit it). I just want to start living like I CAN instead of should I or I can't.

Until later,


  1. I laughed so hard when I got to the part about the cult of former fatties kindapping people in the potato chip aisle. HAHAhAH!!! Sign me up!! And yes I relate to the chub rub too. And I also want to take my kids to the harry potter world. Well first off I want to say that you are definitely on the right track with looking at the small numbers instead of the giant 'how much total do i have to lose' number. If I focused on just my END goal, I would have lost hope long ago and given up completely. This is what I do. 10 pounds at a time. For example right now I'm in the "70's" I don't even look at the hundreds column!! Just the ones and the tens. I work on getting out of the "70's" and then out of the "60's" and on and on. 10 pounds at a time. This is small and manageable. Also, my mindset has changed a LOT and yours will too the further you get away from being so food focused. However, at the end of the day my brain will always have a food issue. I will always have to be careful the way an alcoholic who may be sober 20 years STILL has to be careful when they walk past a bar. Anyway, you are doing FANTASTIC and I am very happy to be following you on here.

  2. It takes a long time and a lot of self examination to not think fat. But it will come. I just switched to a chart which just shows my pounds lost because now that I don't see much movement on the scale. One thing about plantar's--I needed orthotics and it takes about 6-9 months to heal so go get some. By December you will be running around the parks.

  3. I have asked my doctor if there is a band out there somewhere for my head. BTW- Nope.
    Self awareness is hard. But it really is part of the journey. You will find that if you stick to the rules 90% of the time you will start to feel better about yourself and it slowly becomes easier.
    I promise you that it is worth it. A year ago I could not believe I could feel so happy. And I still have 40 pounds to go until goal. Goal weight does not matter as much as the things you had forgotten are fun and the things you can do that you could not do before (like paint your toenails), or especially how you slowly realize you just feel better as the weight come off. Just try to savor that and the rest will come.
    You will have a great time at the park. I hope for you that in December you can really enjoy and appreciate why you choose the band and how wonderful it feels to get out there and LIVE.

  4. I'm only a few weeks ahead of you on this trip, but I totally get what you're saying. If the cult is taking reservations, I'd like to get my name on that list. But still, I am losing, even if it's not as fast as I would like (meaning, I didn't lose 100 lbs between the administration of my surgical anesthesia and when I woke up in recovery), so I'm trying to stay focused on that. You're doing great, and eventually, I'm sure our minds will catch up.

  5. Realistically thinking, I still AM fat...but I still...STILL...think with the brain of 300+ lb me. My first reaction when someone suggests walking is "walk? I can WALK places!" I'm not sure if that will ever change. Part of me hopes it never will, because every time I CAN do something I didn't expect to be able to, it's a pleasant surprise!

    You're rocking this, girlfriend!! I can't wait for your first fill!

  6. No kidding...I need a more positive outlook...I am not sure when it will kick in?

  7. By December, you'll be in a whole different mindset but some of these behaviors aren't going to go away. I still love to eat and I want yummy food so I would be looking for hotels with better restaurants too. Changing the mindset is the hardest part. You'll make it. I promise. I agree not looking at the big picture. Take it 10 lbs at a time. My ticker shows my weight and my progress. You cannot forget how far you've come!


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