Today is day 4. Im still sleeping on the couch bed (my back is killing me) my hypochondria is kicking in and I think that Ive ripped something open inside while I tried to get up from the lying down position. (called the Dr. they don't think so - but what do they know over the phone) Now Im terrified to sleep in my bed. I feel so isolated and cold. :(
Also Im so hungry - my tummy is rumbling and I want food. The soups are going down nicely as is the chocolate milk and cream of wheat but I want FOOD! Ive been so cranky at my family and I really would love to add something else to my repertoire but fear stretching my pouch. It took all my strength to take an uncrushed pain killer yesterday thanks Amanda for the advice - it helped alot.
So with me being all scared up and hungry - last night hubby and the kids made popcorn with lots of butter. Thats nice a--holes! Why don't you just tie my hands behind my back and smear chocolate all over my face. I was SOOOOO hungry both mental and physical after smelling that. Maybe it was hubbys passive/aggressive way to tell me Im being a bitch.
Anyway hubby is another story... He's been looking over my shoulder while I write my blog and comments and I really don't want to share this with him. We've done this before - all my weight loss/ eating disorder stuff and he doesn't understand and he usually bails after he professes that he is in it 100%. I have learned over the years that he is awesome in 99 different ways but for this 1 he is out of his league. He doesn't understand nor does he ACTUALLY want to understand. He just wants everything to be the same all the time but with a thin, happy and healthy version of me. He doesn't get all the work it takes and frankly Im tired of trying to educate him - its not his job to deal with this - its mine. He seems to feel left out this time - Ive tried to include him before and I just get disappointed that he doesn't commit to it and I realize now that no one but ME has to commit to it. I can't give him any power to derail this like before. I am on my own here - me and Lola. That I think was my mistake in the past - counting on him to help me. I am the only one that can help me escape my relationship with food. I have to stand there and scream NO MORE! I am in charge here F@#*er!!!!! And thats my plan but I need to do this alone now. No more empty promises of help. I am being careful this time - this is my final battle with my weight and the food. I have figured it out finally after a lifetime that all I need is a tool to keep hunger at bay while I figure things out and support from people who are in it. YUP! That's you! I am grateful for my blog and those of you who send me your comments because no matter where you are with your band - you get it and thats what I need to keep me going - people who get it and me.
Sorry hubby - love you for everything else - but this one is mine.