Today is day 4. Im still sleeping on the couch bed (my back is killing me) my hypochondria is kicking in and I think that Ive ripped something open inside while I tried to get up from the lying down position. (called the Dr. they don't think so - but what do they know over the phone) Now Im terrified to sleep in my bed. I feel so isolated and cold. :(
Also Im so hungry - my tummy is rumbling and I want food. The soups are going down nicely as is the chocolate milk and cream of wheat but I want FOOD! Ive been so cranky at my family and I really would love to add something else to my repertoire but fear stretching my pouch. It took all my strength to take an uncrushed pain killer yesterday thanks Amanda for the advice - it helped alot.
So with me being all scared up and hungry - last night hubby and the kids made popcorn with lots of butter. Thats nice a--holes! Why don't you just tie my hands behind my back and smear chocolate all over my face. I was SOOOOO hungry both mental and physical after smelling that. Maybe it was hubbys passive/aggressive way to tell me Im being a bitch.
Anyway hubby is another story... He's been looking over my shoulder while I write my blog and comments and I really don't want to share this with him. We've done this before - all my weight loss/ eating disorder stuff and he doesn't understand and he usually bails after he professes that he is in it 100%. I have learned over the years that he is awesome in 99 different ways but for this 1 he is out of his league. He doesn't understand nor does he ACTUALLY want to understand. He just wants everything to be the same all the time but with a thin, happy and healthy version of me. He doesn't get all the work it takes and frankly Im tired of trying to educate him - its not his job to deal with this - its mine. He seems to feel left out this time - Ive tried to include him before and I just get disappointed that he doesn't commit to it and I realize now that no one but ME has to commit to it. I can't give him any power to derail this like before. I am on my own here - me and Lola. That I think was my mistake in the past - counting on him to help me. I am the only one that can help me escape my relationship with food. I have to stand there and scream NO MORE! I am in charge here F@#*er!!!!! And thats my plan but I need to do this alone now. No more empty promises of help. I am being careful this time - this is my final battle with my weight and the food. I have figured it out finally after a lifetime that all I need is a tool to keep hunger at bay while I figure things out and support from people who are in it. YUP! That's you! I am grateful for my blog and those of you who send me your comments because no matter where you are with your band - you get it and thats what I need to keep me going - people who get it and me.
Sorry hubby - love you for everything else - but this one is mine.
xx
It is nice to have those around you on board. But, honestly, at the end of the day, it is you that has to fight the inner battles.
ReplyDeleteSome days they will win. It happens. The difference is that this tool will help you shake it off and get right back on track.
I will be cheering you on.
Your hubby and my passive aggressive cookie-baking-while-i-was-doing-liquids hubby should go out and look at strippers! I'm thinking about you, angel!
ReplyDeleteYou can do! Always have an exit strategy when your loved ones decide to cook something you can't eat.
ReplyDeleteLove your awesome perspective!
ReplyDeleteI think you're in the toughest part right now. If I'm correct you don't get a fill in the beginning, right? I'm not banded so I don't know but I'm pretty sure that right now you're still going on just your own steam without the help of a fill. I mean that's super hard!! The beginning plainly sucks but it will get better. Never easy maybe but better. And you are not alone on dealing with relationship struggles within the vortex of weight loss. It is tough but I know you can do it!!!
ReplyDeleteGet yourself some liquid paracetamol and liquid ibuprofen and drink it like it is going out of fashion. You will get there.
ReplyDeleteYou are a smart, beautiful, and brave woman....and you can fight this fight! I can't relate to your struggle with your hubby, but I do know that you have an awesome support system that will help stand you back up, dust you back off, and get you back in the game. Remind yourself that even though the first chapters of your story have already been written, you are sitting down with fresh paper and pen and are starting a brand new chapter!! You've got this! :)
ReplyDeleteAt least you know going in that you need to do this yourself. With that attitude, you are sure to be more successful and hopefully have a better relationship with your hubby.
ReplyDeleteLet it out, girlfriend. Let it aaallllllll out! Your feelings are totally justified and we're here so you can share them. You can succeed at this without question, and once you're on mushies, it will be easier to remember that. The liquid stage sucks :P
ReplyDeleteYou are in what is lovingly referred to Bandster Hell. It is the time between surgery and your first fill. It is the hardest part. Hang in there it gets easier!
ReplyDeleteI imagine over time, he'll adjust as you adjust to your new lifestyle--mine did, and now my [revised plan of] eating is just a way of life. And, although my hubby is now generally supportive, he eats very differently than I do, and guess what....it doesn't bother me in the slightest, and rarely tempts me. That's what is so great about this tool!
ReplyDeleteYep, this was the hardest stage for me. It seems like FOREVER when you are in the middle of it, but it does pass. Good news is you will probably make a good dent in your weight during this time. Hang in there and know that it does get better!
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