I have started solids and I ate my pizza (which I said would be my 1st solid food) and it was nice eating 1 slice instead of 4 and I ate it very slowly and carefully and it was a success. But I have been getting stuck on and off since and it is soooo frustrated. It seems to not have a pattern - I think Im eating too fast? or maybe Im just not mindful? So on Friday I set out to be focused but then it was Saturday.... I had planned to go celebrate my sisters belated birthday with my other sisters (4 + me) at her house.
Our plan was to play wii and eat really good food (I haven't seen them since my surgery) I specifically asked to have more healthy choices instead of the usual junk and I brought some lower fat versions of my usual bring to parties food - they all agreed. I was pleased when it all started veggies, soup my low fat pinwheels and then the cookies and the jalapeño poppers and the deep fried mushrooms and the chips and chocolate and cupcakes and ice cream showed up. The will power was not expecting this sneaky attack. I gave in and of course I was hoping I would get stuck so my brain would retreat and stop but no why would I get stuck while eating absolute fattening crap?
So I left feeling really shitty about myself and again driving in the point that I must do this myself and I can't count on others to help. It also made me realize how much our relationship is connected by food. Two sisters in particular - 1 is always on a diet and is at a semi healthy weight but she has her own dark side with food - her deal is that she will starve and then have a 'binge day' - this is how she rolls. My other sister the youngest of the bunch and is at a very unhealthy weight and needs her food - she is single, lives at home and spends all of her money travelling and eating out - we used to always do all -you- can- eat sushi - she seemed so sad when I said I didn't think I could do it right now. Im afraid that without the food connection maybe we wouldn't have any connection at all since we are so different as people... (I did not grow up with the girls - long story for another blog about adoption). Maybe that is why I don't say no when the deep fried and fatty offerings come - I don't want to not be one of the gang.
I never thought about how I am connected with people through food before the band but when food is all of a sudden taken off its place of high power and then broken apart (like a yummy piece of crusty bread) you can see that it is a complex addiction because EVERYONE EATS and you can always find someone who wants to escape through food.
So I guess if I can isolate myself from the loving yet way too connected through food sisters I can get through the 1st trimester with Lola... I should be golden after my 3 months of chew chew chewing, working out what I can eat and my early morning brainwashing mantra.