Living like a fat girl...

Hi everyone,

I feel lighter but have not gotten on a scale again since the last disappointing weigh in (and won't until my fill). TOM showed up, I do notice my knees don't hurt as much and Im up later at night - more energy or stress??? I have been sailing through soft stage. Meat seems to be my problem - feeling stuck a few times but couldn't tell if I ate it too fast or if it was just the meat in the dish. Bread is fine - Thank god - I would cry if I couldn't have any bread. My neighbours have noticed that I've lost weight - my kid noticed - my family noticed - so how come I DONT NOTICE?

I still operate like a fat person. I take the stairs one step at a time, Im thinking about food all the time again, I feel so hungry and I know sometimes (probably most times) it's brain hunger but Im still living my life around my food and my mobility issues and that fat girl is still in control.

My big scar is not healing as quick as I had hoped it would. This is a reminder that I can't go in the pool for aqua fit. Walking still hurts alot since I have plantar faciitis and I think I need about 50 more lbs off to get some relief there. I even bought a wii fit and haven't even set it up. I'm in fat lady mode - lots of excuses and with no plan and I can't get out.

I am planning a family trip in December to Universal Orlando - my little guy is finally big enough for rides and I soooo want to see The Wizarding World of Harry Potter. At the beginning I was so excited - I have my band and should be in my onederland by December - this will be such a awesome fun trip with mommy able to go on rides etc. (Dad does not do rides) and then I start planning - but Im planning as a fat person - How far is everything from each other? Do the rides have weight restrictions? How long does it take to walk the park? I can feel my feet and hips hurting as I look at the park map. Hot sun will swell my feet up like balloons and the chub rub -OMG the pain of the Chub Rub - I MUST bring baby powder. Im even picking the hotel because I like its restaurants better than the others.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I need a total mind frame adjustment - is that included with my band? Some old fashion brain washing would be wonderful right about now... Why is there not a cult of former fatties that kidnap you in the potato chip aisle and take you to their hide-a-way and alter your mind and then release you back into the world thinking that everything is fine and you are in total control of your life and food and that you can do this... and that you don't like chips & chocolate anymore? Im on to something here aren't I?

Last night I went on some of my favourite blogs of the ladies that have hit goal or almost goal and I was trying to figure out when this funk would stop and I noticed that many of the old school bandsters wouldn't post their total weight - just how much they lost. Maybe I should be looking at the small numbers instead of the giant scale number? Maybe this would help me feel more successful. I am down a total of 22lbs from my highest weight 284. I am down 17lbs since pre op and 1lb since surgery - I guess that looks better than the 261 on the scale.

I know that I will always have a core of a fat girl - I can never shed the years of teasing and dieting and sometimes I think she is what makes me a good person and loving because I would be a total bitch if I was always a skinny girl (I can admit it). I just want to start living like I CAN instead of should I or I can't.

Until later,
Me

Mommy you're losing weight...

Out of the mouth of babes... My 7 year old who has been like a 50 year old man though this entire process all serious today he says "you look skinnier - turn around - mommy your losing weight your tummy is smaller" - He checks on my scars, he yells at my husband and says "mommy can't lift that! her tummy hurts!" He is my love, my joy and my greatest fan. Im doing this for him more than the others in my family. He will get a mom that can do stuff with him - his brother had a mom who did stuff when he was small but by the time Michael was born I was too big to do anything. By his birthday in November I hope to be able to sit on the floor with him and play or maybe even go on the top bunk - OMG wouldn't that be a thrill!

Breaking my virginity - TEN THINGS THURSDAY

Hi everyone,

I'm joining in the fun brought to us by Laura today - be gentle its my first time.

1. I went back to work this week and I thought that maybe I should work a half day on Wednesday and a half day on Thursday instead of my usual Mon-long day Wed- Fri schedule - Im stupid! I worked almost as long on Wednesday but committed to working an extra day this week so I could have an 'easier' work load during my first week back which is not easier and now I missed out on a day to rest with no one home.

2. I got my stitches out today - yuck!

3. Im dealing with my mind monster that is hungry all the time - today I am ignoring it.

4. My little guy Michael is so awesome and sensitive - I hope he grows up and is happy and loved!

5. I find it hard to get outside and get going - even in this beautiful weather we are having - my feet hurt and Im still super fat so I don't get motivated to get going.

6. I have booked my hotel room for BOOBS 3.0 , got my roommate and my flight so I am committed. My memory of Chicago was seen through Grateful Dead Tour glasses - I remember very little except buying a Prince 45 at a cool record shop under a bridge near Wrigley Field before the Grateful Dead show in the 90's. There was only so much tie dye one could take before needing a purple fix.

7. This learning to eat with the band is crazy - no shit its hard work - I thought I had more time before my first fill to learn the tricks - but like the pre op diet Im realising everyones instructions are different and what Im told to eat maybe something someone else has been told NEVER to eat...

Didn't everyone get THE BOOK?????

8. I started to renovate my boys bathroom before my surgery - I was POSITIVE that I would have the tile up before my surgery - 100% sure of myself. This was on February 18th. It is now March 22nd and 3 males have been showering and peeing and taking over my tiny tiny ensuite for over a month and its gross. I know renovations never do as planned except if you watch that 'this old house guy'. My boys get their eyes checked every year so how is their aim so bad? My girlfriends who only have one bathroom make their boys sit and now I know why. It's too late to instil that habit. They need to get out! Out!! OUT!!!!! I am going to have to tile this weekend surgery recovery or no surgery recovery - tiles do not weigh alot I can lift a 12x12 tile - this is to preserve my love for my men, my mental health and my olfactory senses.

9. My dog is trying to kill me so she can take over my side of the bed... I swear she waits and tries to trip me when i go down the stairs - only me.

10. Last but not least... This was fun! Im so happy I'm here and blogging!

S.O.S.

Ok Im a stupid person who tries very very hard to follow her own advice but curiosity kills me - Im such a present opener!

Today I got on the scale! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

WTF!!!! I have lost 1 - one - une - un -ains - ien - eens - isa - dua - 'e-kahi - ena - ikk - odyn - hitotsu - qig - yksi - safu - besik - aon -newt pound!

I said that I WOULD NOT GET ON A SCALE UNTIL MY FILL - Yes that is what I said. No scale until April 12th - no - No - NO!!!!! I even told other newbies DONT GET ON THE SCALE! Im not going to - well guess what - Im an asshole who doesn't follow her own sound advice!

This morning my tricky little brain - the one that can send me into a tail spin of total 'diet depression' made me fell so light - I had to know - I must be down another 10lbs. ARGH!!!! NO!!!
I was so shocked and so sad - OMG what if Im the girl who doesn't lose - or worse what if I have to get a revision - a repair or any more surgery on my body????

I wanted to sit and cry and eat and eat and eat.... If I could have willed a bathroom full of chocolate I would have eaten every square inch of it. That evil monster that lurks in my brain did not let me go too long without a visit. I am still so sad as I write this - I have failed every other attempt to lose weight why on earth did I feel that this would change everything - did I do it again?

I thought I had a plan but really Im back to work tomorrow with NO PLAN - Soup is my plan - Im such a loser - I put my faith in SOUP. Im sure I will be stressed out and overwhelmed and I will want that little food fix to make the stress go away and I was going to go through the whole process of heating and eating soup instead of popping a small little chocolate in my mouth? HELLO WHAT WAS I THINKING?

Ok so I'm now here blogging - this is apparently PLAN B?

I've got nothing - Ive read my book - NOTHING - Im trying to back read on all of you amazing been there done that blogs and I can't concentrate or focus - I just want to cry! Im so unprepared - HOW THE HELL IS IT ALMOST MONDAY????? Where did my 2 weeks go? Im almost on soft - I can eat everything so far - except potato pancakes and even more than my cup at one sitting and my body is not hungry but my brain is FREAKING STARVING!

HELP?

Sleeping, Stitches and other S words.

I finally got to Sleep in my bed last night - 1 move gives me pain but I tried to avoid it as much as possible. I didn't sleep as well as I did on my couch/bed but it was nice to lay down and be warm and have hubby beside me.


I removed many steri strips from my wounds yesterday except for the big one - I took off an edge and saw the Stitch and a bit of a skin hole and freaked out and put more bandages over it - AHHHHH!!!!! I have scars - voluntary scars at that. 3 of the scars are tiny but one Scar is raised a bit - I really hope that I don't get a keloid - my Sister has a gross keloid from her laparoscopic surgery and yuck!  


Today I feel a bit Stuffy and Snotty. I really hope I don't get Sick - I can't take anymore time off work.


Last but not least today is Saint Patricks Day and hubbys birthday and I have made Irish Stew - wish me luck - this is the 1st meat thing I will puree and try to eat. I am also making Soda bread - also planning on having a bit of that too - I really hope nothing gets Stuck.


I think thats it for my S themed blog. Sayonara Sisters

Meeting my Guardian BOOB & BOOBS 3.0!

This is me and my guardian BOOB Gilly. She came to meet me in person today. She was the 1st person I ever spoke to about the band. She gave it to me straight and introduced me to blogging and the BOOBS (sometimes I think I got banded just to be in this super sisterhood of BOOBdom  - LOL)

Today is my day 9 after surgery. I feel so much better - maybe its because it was day 9 or maybe it was because I got ready like a silly high school girl to meet my new friend - this was a big deal - I haven't made a new friend since 2004. Maybe it was because Spring has sprung or maybe its because I feel like Im so close to beginning this new life - I don't know but it feels hopeful and I like the feeling.

We ate and I did stare at her and she ate the food - NORMAL - couldn't tell one bit. Meeting Gill in person made this whole journey a little more special. I feel like I found my long lost family (which Ive done before but they were aliens to me) this time I meet someone who gets it.

That's why Im going to BOOBS to 3.0 to meet all of you who are here. Im so excited!!!! Ive got a roommate Jenn and were almost at the same part in our journey (banded a few weeks apart). I've got my Chicago tourist stuff bookmarked and I'm looking at flights.

This year my life will be turned upside down and renovated. I have spent so many years staring into the mirror and having no clue who that was in there. Ive been depressed and fat and my body hurts everyday. I have never sat on the floor to play with my youngest son (he's almost 8) I can't wait to be the mommy my boys deserve not just a broken old version of this person I used to be. I hope that 'its better late than never' still applies here. Again I thank all of you for your blogs and for sharing your journey.

See you in the flesh September 27th!!!!!

stuck on you!

Well puree did not go so well this am - I guess I now know why some of you say that your band is tight in the am - yup so is mine.
Last night I took the plunge and ate puree a day sooner - and it was so good - mashed potato pancakes with yogurt - mmm they went down great - I was so happy.

Then boom this am Im eating the same thing and my chest hurts and my mouth starts juicing up and I have to stand up and go to the sink and hitting yourself in the chest does NOT make the food feel better. Damn those potato pancakes. The pain - wholly crap the pain. Then they went down and I felt better not before I spit and started panicking 'what have I done to myself'!!!!!
Ok - lesson learned - DO NOT EAT puree/solid food 1st thing in the am. Sticking to my tea - this will be hard I was a breakfast eater. Shit I don't even have anything in my band imagine when I get my fill.

I really need to be more careful and chew chew chew and look at what Im putting in my mouth. Ive been so focused on feeling better that I have not been focusing on my food choices other than texture.

After this event who should call but Gilly my guardian bandster! She gave me the 'talk' and put me straight and made me revisit my plan and the best of the call was that I finally get to meet her in person tomorrow. How excited am I!!!! Being up north here - we are fairly isolated (only a few of us here and in our neck of the woods) there is little opportunity to meet other banded people. So off to the best restaurant in town - yes Bluebird - soup for me and ??? for her. Im actually excited to watch her eat (yes if you're reading this I will be staring at you and counting your chews LOL!!!) There is no support group around here - Gilly was my first contact with this life and to all of you - now the blog world is my support group and Im so grateful for you all.

Thanks for being inspiring, great cooks, great cheerleaders, funny and amazing!!!! I can't wait to meet those of you who are going to BOOBS.

Soup, poop and everything in between.

I have been eating so much soup since my full stage started. All homemade and supper yummy.

Cream of Broccoli and Cheddar - my first ever that I made from scratch - all recipes.com
Cream of Cauliflower (bought from this awesome restaurant called Bluebird),
The not so good Sweet Potato ?? and something gross spicy - also from Bluebird,
Roasted Red Pepper, Carrot, Tomato - that my awesome neighbour made especially for me - (did I mention I have the BEST neighbours)
Lentil soup - I made it from my mom's recipe,
And last nights Shrimp Bisque with Sherry (Williams Sonoma Soup cookbook) - below

I was eating this last night - so decadent and I was gulping it down - no restriction but boy was my stomach making crazy noises and I was burping alot. I realized then that I totally ate that without any thought because it went down easy and my hubby was there and I was not in my food place. I need to be more mindful of my meals - I hope that will get easier when Im chewing my food since I can mentally count chews and swallow and the time between drinking water. But it scared me a little - how quickly I could slip up.

I also had Starbucks yesterday - my fave - Tazo Chai - this time a Tall not a Venti and non fat. Yum. It's funny it just kinda dawned on me that the thing that I was missing most - Starbucks - during my pre op - that I told everyone was going to be "my 1st thing that Im going to have once I can" - took me almost an entire week to go get. I guess food can NOT be my #1 focus in life - WOW I can't wait for that to happen all the time.

There is so much mental work that needs to get done - it all seemed simple until now. I know I have almost nothing in my band 0.04cc and won't have that 1st fill until April but its hard when to know if Im hungry for real or if its my brain when Ive spent many years just stuffing my face for boredom, stress, sadness, happiness, holidays, etc and mane once in a while for 'real' hunger.

Now here's the POOP of this blog... All through this 'Full' stage you would think the soup would be running through me but nope. I have not been to the bathroom since Friday and that was a struggle - I thought I had ripped something open inside and Im still not convinced even after the many phone calls/emails I have made to SWLC telling them about my 'pain'. So today I am giving in and taking Milk of Magnesia and upping my water - which has actually been really hard to take in this week - soup and water too - I feel like Im drowning!

I think I'll be a happier person if I can go to the bathroom but Im a bit terrified to have to push at all - still fearing ripping, slipping or flipping the things inside. This fear is still keeping me on the couch/bed - Im going to try on Friday night again to get back in my bed.

I only have one more day on this full stage and then Im going to puree - WOO HOO!!! I bought pate, cottage cheese, laughing cow cheese, hummus and I am going to try and eat meat on Saturday for hubby's birthday - Im making Irish Stew, Soda Bread and Cheesecake and I plan to puree the stew and try the soda bread chewing it 100 times if I have to and eat a tiny piece of the creamy cheesecake.

God I miss food especially bread - I would slice off a toe - really any toe even the useful ones for some freshly baked crusty baguette right now.

I guess this is the battle right? Not wanting it that much? Being able to have some but just a bit? This is so foreign to me - not eating the entire loaf - I still get some - Im not deprived but I just don't get all of it. Thats the fight with my brain that Im going to have to have - Im not looking forward to it but I didn't spend my life savings and poke holes in my body to not win this fight.

Ok Im off - Im going to try and venture outside today and get some Butternut Squash and Goat Cheese soup (yup from Bluebird). Did I mention they make awesome soup.

Until later xx

Lightheaded, hungry and the hubby doesn't get it.

Today is day 4. Im still sleeping on the couch bed (my back is killing me) my hypochondria is kicking in and I think that Ive ripped something open inside while I tried to get up from the lying down position. (called the Dr. they don't think so - but what do they know over the phone) Now Im terrified to sleep in my bed. I feel so isolated and cold. :(

Also Im so hungry - my tummy is rumbling and I want food. The soups are going down nicely as is the chocolate milk and cream of wheat but I want FOOD! Ive been so cranky at my family and I really would love to add something else to my repertoire but fear stretching my pouch. It took all my strength to take an uncrushed pain killer yesterday thanks Amanda for the advice - it helped alot.


So with me being all scared up and hungry - last night hubby and the kids made popcorn with lots of butter. Thats nice a--holes!  Why don't you just tie my hands behind my back and smear chocolate all over my face. I was SOOOOO hungry both mental and physical after smelling that. Maybe it was hubbys passive/aggressive way to tell me Im being a bitch.


Anyway hubby is another story... He's been looking over my shoulder while I write my blog and comments and I really don't want to share this with him. We've done this before - all my weight loss/ eating disorder stuff and he doesn't understand and he usually bails after he professes that he is in it 100%. I have learned over the years that he is awesome in 99 different ways but for this 1 he is out of his league. He doesn't understand nor does he ACTUALLY want to understand. He just wants everything to be the same all the time but with a thin, happy and healthy version of me. He doesn't get all the work it takes and frankly Im tired of trying to educate him - its not his job to deal with this - its mine. He seems to feel left out this time - Ive tried to include him before and I just get disappointed that he doesn't commit to it and I realize now that no one but ME has to commit to it. I can't give him any power to derail this like before. I am on my own here - me and Lola. That I think was my mistake in the past - counting on him to help me. I am the only one that can help me escape my relationship with food. I have to stand there and scream NO MORE! I am in charge here F@#*er!!!!! And thats my plan but I need to do this alone now. No more empty promises of help. I am being careful this time - this is my final battle with my weight and the food. I have figured it out finally after a lifetime that all I need is a tool to keep hunger at bay while I figure things out and support from people who are in it. YUP! That's you! I am grateful for my blog and those of you who send me your comments because no matter where you are with your band - you get it and thats what I need to keep me going - people who get it and me.


Sorry hubby - love you for everything else - but this one is mine.
xx

Day 2 - Post Band

I don't want you all to think Im doing it all over here with zero pain because that is not the case. I have pain - alot more since I tried to lay down on my right side to nap today. The 2 middle incisions are killing me since last night and all I can take is kids Tylenol. Tomorrow Im trying a real pill pain killer if it still hurts will let you know if it goes down or not.

I defiantly like not being groggy anymore so that makes it better for me to get my head around all that has happened. I still feeling a bit surreal about what I have committed myself to.

I had a short cry today - it's all going to catch up - I know the emotional part of this whole thing is going to pour in but right now my body has set its priorities straight - Healing is #1 on the to do list - the rest of the emotional crap can show up when I don't have open wounds to deal with.

Today I enjoyed - chocolate milk and homemade broccoli soup - soooooo good!!!! I also got my fitness pal account going and started figuring that out - it seems like a great way to track my food once Im eating food in its natural form.

Im not planning to weight myself again until I go for my first fill on April 12th. I figure it will not be accurate since my body needs to keep whatever energy stores it has to help heal me plus the band must weigh something and the gas and the swelling etc. There are just too many factors to skew my real earned weight loss.

I want to thank you all again for the warm wishes and I will keep blogging as I go along. I love your comments they keep me sane and happy so keep them coming!

until later xx me

Meet LOLA!!!! My day in pictures.

Hi everyone,

Well I've made it to the other side!!! I am officially banded!

I would like to introduce you to Lola... She's a tight little minx, 10cc's of total kick ass!!!

So this is how my day went. The kids got off to school with no problems (they were very good - hubby was stressed out) I drove us to the clinic. My sister called to wish me good luck and the proceeded to tell me about all her problems until I cut her off and told her that I would love to help but it was a pretty big day for me and I couldn't deal with her stuff too. She did not get upset so I guess surgery trumps babysitter raising her prices. I was actually enjoying her rant as it took my mind off of the surgery but after 40 minutes I couldn't listen to her any more.

So I was pretty calm when we arrived at SWLC at 9:20am

Then I was greeted by my co-ordinator Kim, and she took me upstairs weighed me...

and then have me the biggest hospital gown I ever saw in blue which is a good colour for me. LOL

Then I waited and then met my recovery room nurse and then the bitchy nurse that I was warned about and then the other bitchy nurse that I wasn't warned about. Then my Dr. came in said hi - I checked that he wasn't looking too tired or shaky - he seemed fine and then I meet recovery nurse # 2 and the anesthesiologist - he was nice - looked happy - talked slowly - he seemed good and he listened to me when I spoke which is always a bonus. Then they wrapped me up in a heated blanket and then I waited.
Here's me waiting under my warm blankie...

I didnt wait to long - my surgery time was 10:20am - it was around then when they took me in and I was out in seconds - good IV didn't hurt at all - another awesome bonus.

Then later I woke up to someone screaming. It wasn't me. It was the tummy tuck lady in the bed across from me. She went on and on - makes me rethink the whole thing - maybe I'll just invest in some Spanx. I was so groggy - I hate the valium they gave me - I was there but not there - in and out of sleep. I couldn't track with my vision. I didnt feel sick or in pain I just wanted water my mouth was so dry. They finally gave me water and the Gas X strips - which tasted great after 2 weeks of shakes and veggies. I was a bit disappointed that after spending $16,000.00 they didn't have bottled or filtered water or even ice. They just gave me plan old tap water... I must mention that to them later.

Here I am in recovery with my warmish tap water...

After the water they let me sit up and go pee. The Dr. came in and told me my liver was really large and he figures it was probably even bigger before the post op but he put the band in anyway and the liver would shrink as I lost more weight. OK good news.

Yesterday was a beautiful spring day great weather +16C when we left (thats 61F my U.S. friends) we drove home with the windows down and the fresh air helped ALOT. We got home by 2:30pm

So when I got home I found out that the pain meds they gave me I couldn't crush - so I was stuck with children's melt away Tylenol in tutti fruitti flavour - 5 at a time - yuck, the Gas X and ice which was way better than the water at this point. It hurt to bend over and I couldn't sleep in my bed so we made a bed on the couch and I sleep sitting up... here's me in the couch/bed...

I think I'll be on my couch bed for a while yet. My kids were great. The little one made me a get well card at my amazing and wonderfully helpful neighbours house and then came home and wanted to see the scars so I showed him - he seem to feel better after seeing them. Here they are below - more on the left side because of the big liver. I get to take the gauze off today and take a shower. I can't wait to take a shower.

So all in all it has been a positive experience. Im a bit more sore today than yesterday and my left shoulder hurts a bit more and I have been having hubby burp me and rub my shoulders. I think this won't be too hard of a road. 

Tonight I get to have broth - wooo hooo!!! It will be soooo tasty. I'm actually feeling a bit hungry now. I can't wait till tomorrow I can move onto full fluids - a glass of milk and soup mmmmm..... maybe some thinned out cream of wheat - ahhh something that actually resembles food. It seems that they are moving me along quite quickly and I should be trying to eat solids by March 30th???  I will keep you posted as I go along. 

I want to thank all of you so much for sending me well wishes. They helped alot and I hope my other March 7th banded sister Stephanee did great too. Check out her blog. We both need lots of good comments and advice from all you pro's.

I'll leave you with one last picture of me getting ready to write this post.

Until later xx

TOMORROW - you're only a day away!

I want to say I feel so blessed and grateful that I have found you all here and I have to say a special 'THANK YOU LOVEY DOVEY' to Gilly without you I would never - I mean NEVER have blogged - I never even saw a blog before - you broke my blog virginity and I will remember you forever xx.

Ok now that I have done the mushy stuff - today was better - I'm quite calm and I cried a bit on and off. I spent the day alone until now - did some last min surgery stuff with SWLC, went shopping for everything I need for post op and stuff for the kids and some stuff for hubby's St. Patty's Day birthday.

My chicken has done its countdown walk and I am ready to take this GIANT step and do something for me.

I leave you with my most revealing before shot - The NUDE! enjoy!

BATSHIT CRAZY and lots of profanity!

Apparently, Ive lost my marbles or so my husband tells me... not eating for 2 weeks is making me a total crazy bitch! And I thought I was doing so well - except for all the crying and sobbing and making my kids feel totally uncomfortable.

One more day on this awful pre op and then the surgery.

Im no longer looking forward to the surgery - I have actually been avoiding thinking about it until now but now it right in my face SCREAMING!!!!! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!

I refused drugs and needles and passed 2 beautiful people thought a very small hole because Im totally terrified of any sort of intervention and now Im voluntarily asking to be given an IV, stabbed 5 times and have a foreign object implanted inside my body (like those alien abductees) What the fuck?????

Really my life has actually come to this - is this really what I am willing to do to not be fat? FUCK!!!!!!!!!!

Im so terrified that this is a bad bad idea and I will be that one of those people who are crying on 'you tube' about how my band doesn't work and Im still fat and I wasted my life savings and now I have to live in my car cause my husband has left me and taken the kids and the dog.

I guess the batshit has really hit the fan?

Im going to get a massage tomorrow in hopes that it will lower my stress about this whole thing - I love my RMT and friend - she has been there for me for 18 years - she has this awesome peacefulness about her and she was there when my babies were born and I guess its only appropriate that she be a part of calming me down for this too.

Now Im crying while writing this. Fuck! I wish I could have chocolate right now.

Official BEFORE photo

This would NEVER EVER happen anywhere else. I report my friends on FB for putting any photos of me up that show below the neck.

But here you go - me at my opening weight of 279.

I must say Im a bit shocked that I even look like this - I have those thinning mirrors and rose coloured glasses so I guess thats how I got here - not noticing what I ACTUALLY look like.

Im on day ??? of pre op it feels like forever and I now I know why they take your money before you start the shakes cause I would have ate a Big Mac and a giant piece of pizza last week if I didn't hand them my life savings.

Im starting to get nervous about the whole thing now. I don't really know what the hell I've signed myself up for and I hope this doesn't turn out like my badly planned 40th birthday or that guy I took home after that pagan wedding in 1994.

This decision is a hard one to get my head around since I can't try it to see if I like it and returning it is really not an option.

Im sure that by Monday I will be totally bat shit crazy and freaking out but for now Im just a mix of worried, scared and hungry.