The week leading up to Easter was awful - everything that I wanted to do never got done. It reminded me of a book that I used to read my kids called "Grover's Bad Awful Day" where his whole day was awful and his mommy fixed it. Well my mommy doesn't fix stuff she is nuts on the good days and crazy on the bad ones...
So it all started with work - I totally forgot what day it was - I had a big group coming in that day and I had lost track of an entire WEEK - that looks great on me in my bosses eyes. I did get through it and I apologized alot.
Then on Saturday I went to see my parents - I could hear them whispering in the other room that 'I was still FAT and maybe the surgery didn't work or maybe I never had the surgery and just took their money'
So I marched into the other room showed them my giant healing super slow scars and told them that I lost 24 lbs.. I hate them sometimes especially my father - he is the reason that I started my eating disorder at 13 and kept gaining weight to spite him - too bad I was already too heavy before I realized it was hurting myself too and that he didn't really care.
After that episode I spiralled - eating chocolate, chips etc. anything to make me numb. I thought I was doing well - but nothing like my parents to make me feel all the self hate I carry.
Then my internet was down for 2 days so I couldn't blog about my day or my 1 month with the band which was totally overshadowed by the events of Easter...
Sunday Easter dinner and my hubby's divorced friend came over for Easter supper (I have never met him before & he doesn't know about my surgery) My husband said that I should just use a regular plate and just make it look like I'm eating the same.
BAD IDEA... SUPER DUPER BAD IDEA!!!!!!
Within 5 minutes I wanted to die... I was stuck and stuck like never before. I went to the bathroom and all I could do was spit up clear slime - I couldn't breathe, my throat hurt - I couldn't get the food up and out and it would not go down. I ate too fast, too big bites and paid the price. I had to run upstairs take off all my clothing and sit down, stand up, shake my body and try to get my food to move.
I can't even remember what the last bite was - I was not thinking. I need to be kinder and more careful - I CAN NOT ruin this band.
So that was the week Ive had. I have been in this strange state where Im ignoring everything that I NEED to pay attention to since the work fiasco. I can't muster up the attitude to deal with everything including my band. I feel like I want to escape for a bit. I need my life back to normal plus I need to figure out how to work with this band. I have my first fill on Thursday so I will blog again after that.
Thanks for reading the ravings of an in between crazy woman.
Aww. That sucks, sweetness. I'm sorry that your parents are insensitive and clueless and made you feel bad. I've been wondering how you've been doing. I guess kinda not super. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteOh my gosh. I am so sorry for the week you've had. I totally and completely relate to the no good very bad day! That Grover book is right on about that! And the comment from your parents had to have messed with your mind. I mean seriously you JUST go your band. JUST. And for them to say that is not going to be received well in your mind. It's going to potentially derail you mentally. I relate to this b/c I have had similar things expressed to me by a relative and it feeds the self doubt we all have. Every single person who has weight los surgery worries that they will fail at it. I have to cast those thoughts out as quickly as they come in. Ignore, block out, detach. Just don't let it get planted and grow. You are actually doing really well. There is a learning curve and it takes time to figure out what you can and can't eat. I'm sorry about getting stuck. BUt I know things are going to get better for you!!
ReplyDeleteWow, sounds like you didn't have a good week. One thing I can suggest though, is to not get used to the normal sized plate. When ever I go out I order the entree instead of a main and I make sure it takes me longer than the rest of the people I'm eating with. The same plan needs to be used at home. If anyone comments on it, I just tell them that I am portion controlling and leave it at that. The more food on your plate, the more you eat and the faster yo eat.
ReplyDeleteBest of luck that this week goes a lot better :o)
I am so sorry you had such a crappy week! 2 things I'd like to touch on.
ReplyDelete1) Your parents. For some reason, people think WLS is a magic wand...you just wake up thin. Well, duh...it doesn't work that way. Can't let people's preconceived notions get to you. You know your dad is a trigger...try to steel yourself against it.
2) Don't listen to your husband anymore. LOL. I'm just kidding...sort of. If he's not banded, he doesn't get it. He wants to but he doesn't. One good thing (?) about being fat is that people know you're always trying to lose weight. So use a small dish regardless of who you're with and eat slow and if anyone asks, just say "it's a new diet technique I'm trying." No one will keep asking questions and they just assume "Oh. she's trying to lose weight again."
I hope this week is better for you! And remember....blog, blog, blog. It really does help with the emotional stuff. ((HUGS))
my mom is a trigger, i'm not telling her about the surgery, she thankfully lives in another state and so it won't be that hard. I understand that wanting to numb yourself. I want to add though that yes, it was a crappy week, you used food a little bit as a trigger, but you also shared your week via blog with others who understand. You had some realizations about how to move forward. I'm sure your husband won't ask you to use a regular size plate anymore after he realized the consequences...or you'll say no.
ReplyDeleteas for parents, sadly they won't change, as much as we may want them to...this is your journey of change. This is for you
Hang in there!