Just realized....

I just realized everything will change... I havent been under 200lbs since 1999.
I will sit lower in my car - I'll have to move the seat up....
Everything that I bought is for fat me not a thin me - not only me will change my surroundings and the people I know will change too. Im afraid of the backlash from others who only have fat me to contend with - will they feel the same about a thinner more me like me??? My siblings (who I was not raised with) I wonder how they will treat me? They have only known me as fat me and only for 11 years? I was never a threat before as fat me - what if we really look alike once Im thin me - will that change things? Im not saying I wont have the surgery - Im just wondering what outside will be like when Im not the fat girl - its a different world from before - Im the fat mom - that gets made fun of - what will the kids friends say when Im not? Will life just get better for everyone in a domino effect?

OK - this is a bit too deep - my birth mom is really sick and Im not too sure if she's 'dying' yet or just going through the stages until she is officially 'dying'. I don't know how long or when or how I feel about this. I've only known her since 2000 and she is the source of alot of my childhood & adult binging - the idea of her only knowing fat me kind bothers me - Im SOOOOO selfish - but I feel like she needs to know the thin me - the girl she can be proud of but maybe I wont hit my goal before she is no longer here. I feel like she was disappointed in me when we met face to face. I was pregnant so she couldn't gauge but I had a baby and never lost weight so - I was her long lost FAT daughter.

Im going to have to tell my birth mother now about the surgery... I didn't want to but I will just in case... that way maybe she could picture me thin if she gets sicker.

I just wanted to write this out! Sorry for being a downer...

me