Tuesday, 13 December 2011

Just realized....

I just realized everything will change... I havent been under 200lbs since 1999.
I will sit lower in my car - I'll have to move the seat up....
Everything that I bought is for fat me not a thin me - not only me will change my surroundings and the people I know will change too. Im afraid of the backlash from others who only have fat me to contend with - will they feel the same about a thinner more me like me??? My siblings (who I was not raised with) I wonder how they will treat me? They have only known me as fat me and only for 11 years? I was never a threat before as fat me - what if we really look alike once Im thin me - will that change things? Im not saying I wont have the surgery - Im just wondering what outside will be like when Im not the fat girl - its a different world from before - Im the fat mom - that gets made fun of - what will the kids friends say when Im not? Will life just get better for everyone in a domino effect?

OK - this is a bit too deep - my birth mom is really sick and Im not too sure if she's 'dying' yet or just going through the stages until she is officially 'dying'. I don't know how long or when or how I feel about this. I've only known her since 2000 and she is the source of alot of my childhood & adult binging - the idea of her only knowing fat me kind bothers me - Im SOOOOO selfish - but I feel like she needs to know the thin me - the girl she can be proud of but maybe I wont hit my goal before she is no longer here. I feel like she was disappointed in me when we met face to face. I was pregnant so she couldn't gauge but I had a baby and never lost weight so - I was her long lost FAT daughter.

Im going to have to tell my birth mother now about the surgery... I didn't want to but I will just in case... that way maybe she could picture me thin if she gets sicker.

I just wanted to write this out! Sorry for being a downer...



  1. Reading your words brings back sooooo many memories of being pre-surgery and wondering about everything that was going to change. It's an exciting but SCARY time! I can tell you that it is so worth it. Everything from fitting in booths to needing to slide my car seat up to fitting perfectly in an airplane seat has been amazing. My highest weight was 292 and I was at 194.2 this morning. It has been an incredible ride. Best of luck to you and I can't wait to follow your journey!

  2. All the best, I'm sure you won't regret it-I certainly don't. Looking forward to the saving of your spirit:)

  3. Hi there - I just joined your blog. Looks we are on the same timeline! My blog is http://saucybandster.blogspot.com/ if you want to stay in contact together. I am in the beginning stages as well and am being submitted to my insurance this week. We are similar size and weight. I am 253 and am 5'2 and 37 so wanted to reach out and saw hi! Good luck on telling everyone. I feel the exact way. It holds us more accountable. Those who love us, will continue to do so!!


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