Living like a fat girl...

Hi everyone,

I feel lighter but have not gotten on a scale again since the last disappointing weigh in (and won't until my fill). TOM showed up, I do notice my knees don't hurt as much and Im up later at night - more energy or stress??? I have been sailing through soft stage. Meat seems to be my problem - feeling stuck a few times but couldn't tell if I ate it too fast or if it was just the meat in the dish. Bread is fine - Thank god - I would cry if I couldn't have any bread. My neighbours have noticed that I've lost weight - my kid noticed - my family noticed - so how come I DONT NOTICE?

I still operate like a fat person. I take the stairs one step at a time, Im thinking about food all the time again, I feel so hungry and I know sometimes (probably most times) it's brain hunger but Im still living my life around my food and my mobility issues and that fat girl is still in control.

My big scar is not healing as quick as I had hoped it would. This is a reminder that I can't go in the pool for aqua fit. Walking still hurts alot since I have plantar faciitis and I think I need about 50 more lbs off to get some relief there. I even bought a wii fit and haven't even set it up. I'm in fat lady mode - lots of excuses and with no plan and I can't get out.

I am planning a family trip in December to Universal Orlando - my little guy is finally big enough for rides and I soooo want to see The Wizarding World of Harry Potter. At the beginning I was so excited - I have my band and should be in my onederland by December - this will be such a awesome fun trip with mommy able to go on rides etc. (Dad does not do rides) and then I start planning - but Im planning as a fat person - How far is everything from each other? Do the rides have weight restrictions? How long does it take to walk the park? I can feel my feet and hips hurting as I look at the park map. Hot sun will swell my feet up like balloons and the chub rub -OMG the pain of the Chub Rub - I MUST bring baby powder. Im even picking the hotel because I like its restaurants better than the others.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I need a total mind frame adjustment - is that included with my band? Some old fashion brain washing would be wonderful right about now... Why is there not a cult of former fatties that kidnap you in the potato chip aisle and take you to their hide-a-way and alter your mind and then release you back into the world thinking that everything is fine and you are in total control of your life and food and that you can do this... and that you don't like chips & chocolate anymore? Im on to something here aren't I?

Last night I went on some of my favourite blogs of the ladies that have hit goal or almost goal and I was trying to figure out when this funk would stop and I noticed that many of the old school bandsters wouldn't post their total weight - just how much they lost. Maybe I should be looking at the small numbers instead of the giant scale number? Maybe this would help me feel more successful. I am down a total of 22lbs from my highest weight 284. I am down 17lbs since pre op and 1lb since surgery - I guess that looks better than the 261 on the scale.

I know that I will always have a core of a fat girl - I can never shed the years of teasing and dieting and sometimes I think she is what makes me a good person and loving because I would be a total bitch if I was always a skinny girl (I can admit it). I just want to start living like I CAN instead of should I or I can't.

Until later,
Me

Mommy you're losing weight...

Out of the mouth of babes... My 7 year old who has been like a 50 year old man though this entire process all serious today he says "you look skinnier - turn around - mommy your losing weight your tummy is smaller" - He checks on my scars, he yells at my husband and says "mommy can't lift that! her tummy hurts!" He is my love, my joy and my greatest fan. Im doing this for him more than the others in my family. He will get a mom that can do stuff with him - his brother had a mom who did stuff when he was small but by the time Michael was born I was too big to do anything. By his birthday in November I hope to be able to sit on the floor with him and play or maybe even go on the top bunk - OMG wouldn't that be a thrill!

Breaking my virginity - TEN THINGS THURSDAY

Hi everyone,

I'm joining in the fun brought to us by Laura today - be gentle its my first time.

1. I went back to work this week and I thought that maybe I should work a half day on Wednesday and a half day on Thursday instead of my usual Mon-long day Wed- Fri schedule - Im stupid! I worked almost as long on Wednesday but committed to working an extra day this week so I could have an 'easier' work load during my first week back which is not easier and now I missed out on a day to rest with no one home.

2. I got my stitches out today - yuck!

3. Im dealing with my mind monster that is hungry all the time - today I am ignoring it.

4. My little guy Michael is so awesome and sensitive - I hope he grows up and is happy and loved!

5. I find it hard to get outside and get going - even in this beautiful weather we are having - my feet hurt and Im still super fat so I don't get motivated to get going.

6. I have booked my hotel room for BOOBS 3.0 , got my roommate and my flight so I am committed. My memory of Chicago was seen through Grateful Dead Tour glasses - I remember very little except buying a Prince 45 at a cool record shop under a bridge near Wrigley Field before the Grateful Dead show in the 90's. There was only so much tie dye one could take before needing a purple fix.

7. This learning to eat with the band is crazy - no shit its hard work - I thought I had more time before my first fill to learn the tricks - but like the pre op diet Im realising everyones instructions are different and what Im told to eat maybe something someone else has been told NEVER to eat...

Didn't everyone get THE BOOK?????

8. I started to renovate my boys bathroom before my surgery - I was POSITIVE that I would have the tile up before my surgery - 100% sure of myself. This was on February 18th. It is now March 22nd and 3 males have been showering and peeing and taking over my tiny tiny ensuite for over a month and its gross. I know renovations never do as planned except if you watch that 'this old house guy'. My boys get their eyes checked every year so how is their aim so bad? My girlfriends who only have one bathroom make their boys sit and now I know why. It's too late to instil that habit. They need to get out! Out!! OUT!!!!! I am going to have to tile this weekend surgery recovery or no surgery recovery - tiles do not weigh alot I can lift a 12x12 tile - this is to preserve my love for my men, my mental health and my olfactory senses.

9. My dog is trying to kill me so she can take over my side of the bed... I swear she waits and tries to trip me when i go down the stairs - only me.

10. Last but not least... This was fun! Im so happy I'm here and blogging!

S.O.S.

Ok Im a stupid person who tries very very hard to follow her own advice but curiosity kills me - Im such a present opener!

Today I got on the scale! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

WTF!!!! I have lost 1 - one - une - un -ains - ien - eens - isa - dua - 'e-kahi - ena - ikk - odyn - hitotsu - qig - yksi - safu - besik - aon -newt pound!

I said that I WOULD NOT GET ON A SCALE UNTIL MY FILL - Yes that is what I said. No scale until April 12th - no - No - NO!!!!! I even told other newbies DONT GET ON THE SCALE! Im not going to - well guess what - Im an asshole who doesn't follow her own sound advice!

This morning my tricky little brain - the one that can send me into a tail spin of total 'diet depression' made me fell so light - I had to know - I must be down another 10lbs. ARGH!!!! NO!!!
I was so shocked and so sad - OMG what if Im the girl who doesn't lose - or worse what if I have to get a revision - a repair or any more surgery on my body????

I wanted to sit and cry and eat and eat and eat.... If I could have willed a bathroom full of chocolate I would have eaten every square inch of it. That evil monster that lurks in my brain did not let me go too long without a visit. I am still so sad as I write this - I have failed every other attempt to lose weight why on earth did I feel that this would change everything - did I do it again?

I thought I had a plan but really Im back to work tomorrow with NO PLAN - Soup is my plan - Im such a loser - I put my faith in SOUP. Im sure I will be stressed out and overwhelmed and I will want that little food fix to make the stress go away and I was going to go through the whole process of heating and eating soup instead of popping a small little chocolate in my mouth? HELLO WHAT WAS I THINKING?

Ok so I'm now here blogging - this is apparently PLAN B?

I've got nothing - Ive read my book - NOTHING - Im trying to back read on all of you amazing been there done that blogs and I can't concentrate or focus - I just want to cry! Im so unprepared - HOW THE HELL IS IT ALMOST MONDAY????? Where did my 2 weeks go? Im almost on soft - I can eat everything so far - except potato pancakes and even more than my cup at one sitting and my body is not hungry but my brain is FREAKING STARVING!

HELP?

Sleeping, Stitches and other S words.

I finally got to Sleep in my bed last night - 1 move gives me pain but I tried to avoid it as much as possible. I didn't sleep as well as I did on my couch/bed but it was nice to lay down and be warm and have hubby beside me.


I removed many steri strips from my wounds yesterday except for the big one - I took off an edge and saw the Stitch and a bit of a skin hole and freaked out and put more bandages over it - AHHHHH!!!!! I have scars - voluntary scars at that. 3 of the scars are tiny but one Scar is raised a bit - I really hope that I don't get a keloid - my Sister has a gross keloid from her laparoscopic surgery and yuck!  


Today I feel a bit Stuffy and Snotty. I really hope I don't get Sick - I can't take anymore time off work.


Last but not least today is Saint Patricks Day and hubbys birthday and I have made Irish Stew - wish me luck - this is the 1st meat thing I will puree and try to eat. I am also making Soda bread - also planning on having a bit of that too - I really hope nothing gets Stuck.


I think thats it for my S themed blog. Sayonara Sisters

Meeting my Guardian BOOB & BOOBS 3.0!

This is me and my guardian BOOB Gilly. She came to meet me in person today. She was the 1st person I ever spoke to about the band. She gave it to me straight and introduced me to blogging and the BOOBS (sometimes I think I got banded just to be in this super sisterhood of BOOBdom  - LOL)

Today is my day 9 after surgery. I feel so much better - maybe its because it was day 9 or maybe it was because I got ready like a silly high school girl to meet my new friend - this was a big deal - I haven't made a new friend since 2004. Maybe it was because Spring has sprung or maybe its because I feel like Im so close to beginning this new life - I don't know but it feels hopeful and I like the feeling.

We ate and I did stare at her and she ate the food - NORMAL - couldn't tell one bit. Meeting Gill in person made this whole journey a little more special. I feel like I found my long lost family (which Ive done before but they were aliens to me) this time I meet someone who gets it.

That's why Im going to BOOBS to 3.0 to meet all of you who are here. Im so excited!!!! Ive got a roommate Jenn and were almost at the same part in our journey (banded a few weeks apart). I've got my Chicago tourist stuff bookmarked and I'm looking at flights.

This year my life will be turned upside down and renovated. I have spent so many years staring into the mirror and having no clue who that was in there. Ive been depressed and fat and my body hurts everyday. I have never sat on the floor to play with my youngest son (he's almost 8) I can't wait to be the mommy my boys deserve not just a broken old version of this person I used to be. I hope that 'its better late than never' still applies here. Again I thank all of you for your blogs and for sharing your journey.

See you in the flesh September 27th!!!!!

stuck on you!

Well puree did not go so well this am - I guess I now know why some of you say that your band is tight in the am - yup so is mine.
Last night I took the plunge and ate puree a day sooner - and it was so good - mashed potato pancakes with yogurt - mmm they went down great - I was so happy.

Then boom this am Im eating the same thing and my chest hurts and my mouth starts juicing up and I have to stand up and go to the sink and hitting yourself in the chest does NOT make the food feel better. Damn those potato pancakes. The pain - wholly crap the pain. Then they went down and I felt better not before I spit and started panicking 'what have I done to myself'!!!!!
Ok - lesson learned - DO NOT EAT puree/solid food 1st thing in the am. Sticking to my tea - this will be hard I was a breakfast eater. Shit I don't even have anything in my band imagine when I get my fill.

I really need to be more careful and chew chew chew and look at what Im putting in my mouth. Ive been so focused on feeling better that I have not been focusing on my food choices other than texture.

After this event who should call but Gilly my guardian bandster! She gave me the 'talk' and put me straight and made me revisit my plan and the best of the call was that I finally get to meet her in person tomorrow. How excited am I!!!! Being up north here - we are fairly isolated (only a few of us here and in our neck of the woods) there is little opportunity to meet other banded people. So off to the best restaurant in town - yes Bluebird - soup for me and ??? for her. Im actually excited to watch her eat (yes if you're reading this I will be staring at you and counting your chews LOL!!!) There is no support group around here - Gilly was my first contact with this life and to all of you - now the blog world is my support group and Im so grateful for you all.

Thanks for being inspiring, great cooks, great cheerleaders, funny and amazing!!!! I can't wait to meet those of you who are going to BOOBS.