Soup, poop and everything in between.

I have been eating so much soup since my full stage started. All homemade and supper yummy.

Cream of Broccoli and Cheddar - my first ever that I made from scratch - all recipes.com
Cream of Cauliflower (bought from this awesome restaurant called Bluebird),
The not so good Sweet Potato ?? and something gross spicy - also from Bluebird,
Roasted Red Pepper, Carrot, Tomato - that my awesome neighbour made especially for me - (did I mention I have the BEST neighbours)
Lentil soup - I made it from my mom's recipe,
And last nights Shrimp Bisque with Sherry (Williams Sonoma Soup cookbook) - below

I was eating this last night - so decadent and I was gulping it down - no restriction but boy was my stomach making crazy noises and I was burping alot. I realized then that I totally ate that without any thought because it went down easy and my hubby was there and I was not in my food place. I need to be more mindful of my meals - I hope that will get easier when Im chewing my food since I can mentally count chews and swallow and the time between drinking water. But it scared me a little - how quickly I could slip up.

I also had Starbucks yesterday - my fave - Tazo Chai - this time a Tall not a Venti and non fat. Yum. It's funny it just kinda dawned on me that the thing that I was missing most - Starbucks - during my pre op - that I told everyone was going to be "my 1st thing that Im going to have once I can" - took me almost an entire week to go get. I guess food can NOT be my #1 focus in life - WOW I can't wait for that to happen all the time.

There is so much mental work that needs to get done - it all seemed simple until now. I know I have almost nothing in my band 0.04cc and won't have that 1st fill until April but its hard when to know if Im hungry for real or if its my brain when Ive spent many years just stuffing my face for boredom, stress, sadness, happiness, holidays, etc and mane once in a while for 'real' hunger.

Now here's the POOP of this blog... All through this 'Full' stage you would think the soup would be running through me but nope. I have not been to the bathroom since Friday and that was a struggle - I thought I had ripped something open inside and Im still not convinced even after the many phone calls/emails I have made to SWLC telling them about my 'pain'. So today I am giving in and taking Milk of Magnesia and upping my water - which has actually been really hard to take in this week - soup and water too - I feel like Im drowning!

I think I'll be a happier person if I can go to the bathroom but Im a bit terrified to have to push at all - still fearing ripping, slipping or flipping the things inside. This fear is still keeping me on the couch/bed - Im going to try on Friday night again to get back in my bed.

I only have one more day on this full stage and then Im going to puree - WOO HOO!!! I bought pate, cottage cheese, laughing cow cheese, hummus and I am going to try and eat meat on Saturday for hubby's birthday - Im making Irish Stew, Soda Bread and Cheesecake and I plan to puree the stew and try the soda bread chewing it 100 times if I have to and eat a tiny piece of the creamy cheesecake.

God I miss food especially bread - I would slice off a toe - really any toe even the useful ones for some freshly baked crusty baguette right now.

I guess this is the battle right? Not wanting it that much? Being able to have some but just a bit? This is so foreign to me - not eating the entire loaf - I still get some - Im not deprived but I just don't get all of it. Thats the fight with my brain that Im going to have to have - Im not looking forward to it but I didn't spend my life savings and poke holes in my body to not win this fight.

Ok Im off - Im going to try and venture outside today and get some Butternut Squash and Goat Cheese soup (yup from Bluebird). Did I mention they make awesome soup.

Until later xx

Lightheaded, hungry and the hubby doesn't get it.

Today is day 4. Im still sleeping on the couch bed (my back is killing me) my hypochondria is kicking in and I think that Ive ripped something open inside while I tried to get up from the lying down position. (called the Dr. they don't think so - but what do they know over the phone) Now Im terrified to sleep in my bed. I feel so isolated and cold. :(

Also Im so hungry - my tummy is rumbling and I want food. The soups are going down nicely as is the chocolate milk and cream of wheat but I want FOOD! Ive been so cranky at my family and I really would love to add something else to my repertoire but fear stretching my pouch. It took all my strength to take an uncrushed pain killer yesterday thanks Amanda for the advice - it helped alot.


So with me being all scared up and hungry - last night hubby and the kids made popcorn with lots of butter. Thats nice a--holes!  Why don't you just tie my hands behind my back and smear chocolate all over my face. I was SOOOOO hungry both mental and physical after smelling that. Maybe it was hubbys passive/aggressive way to tell me Im being a bitch.


Anyway hubby is another story... He's been looking over my shoulder while I write my blog and comments and I really don't want to share this with him. We've done this before - all my weight loss/ eating disorder stuff and he doesn't understand and he usually bails after he professes that he is in it 100%. I have learned over the years that he is awesome in 99 different ways but for this 1 he is out of his league. He doesn't understand nor does he ACTUALLY want to understand. He just wants everything to be the same all the time but with a thin, happy and healthy version of me. He doesn't get all the work it takes and frankly Im tired of trying to educate him - its not his job to deal with this - its mine. He seems to feel left out this time - Ive tried to include him before and I just get disappointed that he doesn't commit to it and I realize now that no one but ME has to commit to it. I can't give him any power to derail this like before. I am on my own here - me and Lola. That I think was my mistake in the past - counting on him to help me. I am the only one that can help me escape my relationship with food. I have to stand there and scream NO MORE! I am in charge here F@#*er!!!!! And thats my plan but I need to do this alone now. No more empty promises of help. I am being careful this time - this is my final battle with my weight and the food. I have figured it out finally after a lifetime that all I need is a tool to keep hunger at bay while I figure things out and support from people who are in it. YUP! That's you! I am grateful for my blog and those of you who send me your comments because no matter where you are with your band - you get it and thats what I need to keep me going - people who get it and me.


Sorry hubby - love you for everything else - but this one is mine.
xx

Day 2 - Post Band

I don't want you all to think Im doing it all over here with zero pain because that is not the case. I have pain - alot more since I tried to lay down on my right side to nap today. The 2 middle incisions are killing me since last night and all I can take is kids Tylenol. Tomorrow Im trying a real pill pain killer if it still hurts will let you know if it goes down or not.

I defiantly like not being groggy anymore so that makes it better for me to get my head around all that has happened. I still feeling a bit surreal about what I have committed myself to.

I had a short cry today - it's all going to catch up - I know the emotional part of this whole thing is going to pour in but right now my body has set its priorities straight - Healing is #1 on the to do list - the rest of the emotional crap can show up when I don't have open wounds to deal with.

Today I enjoyed - chocolate milk and homemade broccoli soup - soooooo good!!!! I also got my fitness pal account going and started figuring that out - it seems like a great way to track my food once Im eating food in its natural form.

Im not planning to weight myself again until I go for my first fill on April 12th. I figure it will not be accurate since my body needs to keep whatever energy stores it has to help heal me plus the band must weigh something and the gas and the swelling etc. There are just too many factors to skew my real earned weight loss.

I want to thank you all again for the warm wishes and I will keep blogging as I go along. I love your comments they keep me sane and happy so keep them coming!

until later xx me

Meet LOLA!!!! My day in pictures.

Hi everyone,

Well I've made it to the other side!!! I am officially banded!

I would like to introduce you to Lola... She's a tight little minx, 10cc's of total kick ass!!!

So this is how my day went. The kids got off to school with no problems (they were very good - hubby was stressed out) I drove us to the clinic. My sister called to wish me good luck and the proceeded to tell me about all her problems until I cut her off and told her that I would love to help but it was a pretty big day for me and I couldn't deal with her stuff too. She did not get upset so I guess surgery trumps babysitter raising her prices. I was actually enjoying her rant as it took my mind off of the surgery but after 40 minutes I couldn't listen to her any more.

So I was pretty calm when we arrived at SWLC at 9:20am

Then I was greeted by my co-ordinator Kim, and she took me upstairs weighed me...

and then have me the biggest hospital gown I ever saw in blue which is a good colour for me. LOL

Then I waited and then met my recovery room nurse and then the bitchy nurse that I was warned about and then the other bitchy nurse that I wasn't warned about. Then my Dr. came in said hi - I checked that he wasn't looking too tired or shaky - he seemed fine and then I meet recovery nurse # 2 and the anesthesiologist - he was nice - looked happy - talked slowly - he seemed good and he listened to me when I spoke which is always a bonus. Then they wrapped me up in a heated blanket and then I waited.
Here's me waiting under my warm blankie...

I didnt wait to long - my surgery time was 10:20am - it was around then when they took me in and I was out in seconds - good IV didn't hurt at all - another awesome bonus.

Then later I woke up to someone screaming. It wasn't me. It was the tummy tuck lady in the bed across from me. She went on and on - makes me rethink the whole thing - maybe I'll just invest in some Spanx. I was so groggy - I hate the valium they gave me - I was there but not there - in and out of sleep. I couldn't track with my vision. I didnt feel sick or in pain I just wanted water my mouth was so dry. They finally gave me water and the Gas X strips - which tasted great after 2 weeks of shakes and veggies. I was a bit disappointed that after spending $16,000.00 they didn't have bottled or filtered water or even ice. They just gave me plan old tap water... I must mention that to them later.

Here I am in recovery with my warmish tap water...

After the water they let me sit up and go pee. The Dr. came in and told me my liver was really large and he figures it was probably even bigger before the post op but he put the band in anyway and the liver would shrink as I lost more weight. OK good news.

Yesterday was a beautiful spring day great weather +16C when we left (thats 61F my U.S. friends) we drove home with the windows down and the fresh air helped ALOT. We got home by 2:30pm

So when I got home I found out that the pain meds they gave me I couldn't crush - so I was stuck with children's melt away Tylenol in tutti fruitti flavour - 5 at a time - yuck, the Gas X and ice which was way better than the water at this point. It hurt to bend over and I couldn't sleep in my bed so we made a bed on the couch and I sleep sitting up... here's me in the couch/bed...

I think I'll be on my couch bed for a while yet. My kids were great. The little one made me a get well card at my amazing and wonderfully helpful neighbours house and then came home and wanted to see the scars so I showed him - he seem to feel better after seeing them. Here they are below - more on the left side because of the big liver. I get to take the gauze off today and take a shower. I can't wait to take a shower.

So all in all it has been a positive experience. Im a bit more sore today than yesterday and my left shoulder hurts a bit more and I have been having hubby burp me and rub my shoulders. I think this won't be too hard of a road. 

Tonight I get to have broth - wooo hooo!!! It will be soooo tasty. I'm actually feeling a bit hungry now. I can't wait till tomorrow I can move onto full fluids - a glass of milk and soup mmmmm..... maybe some thinned out cream of wheat - ahhh something that actually resembles food. It seems that they are moving me along quite quickly and I should be trying to eat solids by March 30th???  I will keep you posted as I go along. 

I want to thank all of you so much for sending me well wishes. They helped alot and I hope my other March 7th banded sister Stephanee did great too. Check out her blog. We both need lots of good comments and advice from all you pro's.

I'll leave you with one last picture of me getting ready to write this post.

Until later xx

TOMORROW - you're only a day away!

I want to say I feel so blessed and grateful that I have found you all here and I have to say a special 'THANK YOU LOVEY DOVEY' to Gilly without you I would never - I mean NEVER have blogged - I never even saw a blog before - you broke my blog virginity and I will remember you forever xx.

Ok now that I have done the mushy stuff - today was better - I'm quite calm and I cried a bit on and off. I spent the day alone until now - did some last min surgery stuff with SWLC, went shopping for everything I need for post op and stuff for the kids and some stuff for hubby's St. Patty's Day birthday.

My chicken has done its countdown walk and I am ready to take this GIANT step and do something for me.

I leave you with my most revealing before shot - The NUDE! enjoy!

BATSHIT CRAZY and lots of profanity!

Apparently, Ive lost my marbles or so my husband tells me... not eating for 2 weeks is making me a total crazy bitch! And I thought I was doing so well - except for all the crying and sobbing and making my kids feel totally uncomfortable.

One more day on this awful pre op and then the surgery.

Im no longer looking forward to the surgery - I have actually been avoiding thinking about it until now but now it right in my face SCREAMING!!!!! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!

I refused drugs and needles and passed 2 beautiful people thought a very small hole because Im totally terrified of any sort of intervention and now Im voluntarily asking to be given an IV, stabbed 5 times and have a foreign object implanted inside my body (like those alien abductees) What the fuck?????

Really my life has actually come to this - is this really what I am willing to do to not be fat? FUCK!!!!!!!!!!

Im so terrified that this is a bad bad idea and I will be that one of those people who are crying on 'you tube' about how my band doesn't work and Im still fat and I wasted my life savings and now I have to live in my car cause my husband has left me and taken the kids and the dog.

I guess the batshit has really hit the fan?

Im going to get a massage tomorrow in hopes that it will lower my stress about this whole thing - I love my RMT and friend - she has been there for me for 18 years - she has this awesome peacefulness about her and she was there when my babies were born and I guess its only appropriate that she be a part of calming me down for this too.

Now Im crying while writing this. Fuck! I wish I could have chocolate right now.

Official BEFORE photo

This would NEVER EVER happen anywhere else. I report my friends on FB for putting any photos of me up that show below the neck.

But here you go - me at my opening weight of 279.

I must say Im a bit shocked that I even look like this - I have those thinning mirrors and rose coloured glasses so I guess thats how I got here - not noticing what I ACTUALLY look like.

Im on day ??? of pre op it feels like forever and I now I know why they take your money before you start the shakes cause I would have ate a Big Mac and a giant piece of pizza last week if I didn't hand them my life savings.

Im starting to get nervous about the whole thing now. I don't really know what the hell I've signed myself up for and I hope this doesn't turn out like my badly planned 40th birthday or that guy I took home after that pagan wedding in 1994.

This decision is a hard one to get my head around since I can't try it to see if I like it and returning it is really not an option.

Im sure that by Monday I will be totally bat shit crazy and freaking out but for now Im just a mix of worried, scared and hungry.