******WARNING****** what you are about to read is a super emotional post.
FAT rules my life and it has never been so in my face as much as it has been in the past week. I realize that EVERY decision that I make for myself or my family or my children the weight is my first consideration.
My kids lives are ruled by my inability to do anything - I cant stand being so big and lately I feel like Im so much heavier (and I have looked at the scale and I have only gained 2 lbs. from food funeral it feels like 50) I cant even stand for more than a few minutes my poor kids have been missing out on so much cause Ive let myself become so big.
I know this is self pity but I mostly pity my kids, my hubby, my house that doesnt get cleaned by me cause I cant bend down or stand for long periods of time. Ive lost my life and taken a part of everyone I love lives with me.
Ive taken the week off work cause Im in this emotional freak out here and I need too regroup and be sad and a bit scared as to what life will be like after - I have been cranky and inactive and just a shell of me for so long that I dont know if I have me in me anymore.
Maybe its because Im getting close to my pre op and surgery date or maybe its been because I havn't been feeling well or because my food funeral is just turning me off of food or because my kids have been not nice lately or because my 40th was disappointing but I have been a bit panicky about this GIANT life change that is about to happen.
Food has been my go to for as long as I can remember I guess Im afraid a bit to let it go. The band will force me to walk away from it like tough love with an abusive partner - you are not good for me so I have to leave you now.
Wow I never thought Id be that girl who would keep doing something that is basically killing her.
My pre op blood work came back and I guess Im doing this just in time - my sugar is high, my triglycerides are through the roof and I have some level 1 heart something (that no one ever told me about). There really is no turning back. I have been going through the motions with the slight thought of an exit plan in the back of my mind but these tests really have scared me - I used to joke that I was the healthiest obese person ever - well not anymore - Im not going to see my kids grow up if I launch my exit plan.
I guess Im sad and afraid and angry that I am here and didn't even see myself get here (I did but chose to ignore the last few years).
Mostly Im afraid of surgery, of the unknown post op, of life with the band and of failing.
Ok thats enough crazy for 1 day - thanks for reading this or at least trying to.
ps. Im still going through with the surgery.