I week down 1 to go.

It says 267.4 thats 12 lbs!!!! If I lose 5 more lbs. I will be the same weight I was the day I gave birth to littlest sweetie (and he was 10lbs

I wasn't going to weigh myself today since I was still feeling guilty about the cheat and being a weak slave to food. But I had to know.
Im glad I did. I can do - this I really can - I cant wait for post op liquids cause I will not be doing anything sweet - Im so sick of sweet (this statement excludes Cadbury Easter Cream Eggs and Dairy Milk of course) I am looking forward to some nice salty chicken broth.

Thanks for all your comments and I have fixed the anti comment thing so keep them coming - I love that alot of you have been there and done this and have some great little tips to keep me sane.

p.s. mashed cauliflower thing was soooooo gross with nothing to mash into it. I will roast the cauliflower tonight (another super tip from Gilly) and hope for better.

Until tomorrow xx

Death of a Foodie

Well after my intense shame of my cheat and the fear that I will be refused my band. I am back on track.
I am still soooo hungry and I cant believe there is another week of this but am trying to find new ways to amuse myself.

#1.... The water tasting...

Mmmmmmm...... 5 waters from around the world. Which tastes better? Are they worth the money? I did this with the full tasting criteria - swishing and all. 

I am convinced the VOSS is just Norwegian tap water. My favourites are from Wales and Fiji. I tried to make my husband do it but he's no fun - he doesn't love food the way I do and cant get into this.

Today I am going to try steam and mash a cauliflower to make it taste like food. Wish me luck!

Cheater cheater hors d'oeuvre eater!

I said I'd never lie to you all. So here I am telling you I am a weak weak person and I cheated I even wished I could have had a coke on top of the yummies I consumed.

After my night of hell I couldn't get anything down - hot tea, a few crackers and half a shake. Yesterday I went back to my shakes vanilla with the sugar free caramel and water. I must admit I had planned a bit of a cheat incase I couldn't handle all the yummy food at my works opening night that I am required to attend. So I drank water all day after my 1 shake.

Well I did cheat and I tried soooo hard for it to only be 1 thing - that turned into 1 of everything and then 2 of something etc....

So now like my other binges in the past I feel shame, guilt, and self hate that I am weak and overall sadness.

I have vowed to stay 100% on the pre op from today forward. I really want to do this and be successful. I can't be around food - it is clear.

I hope I didn't totally fuck everything up.

The night of hell!!!!

Ok - I went into junkie mode last night. The headache got worse - tylenol doesn't work for me.
I started throwing up the mushroom concoction at 7pm and the chocolate shake at 7:45pm. Had the cold sweat/hot flash shivers and to make sure everything was out I threw up one more time at 3am.

The headache was the worst I've ever had in my life - I started thinking I had a brain aneurysm or a stroke - I wanted to die. By 3:30 I gave in a took an Advil liquid gel and went to sleep.

What the hell was that ????????

24 hr flu?
Allergic reaction?
Bad mushroom?
Food junkie withdrawal?

At 11:00am they called from the clinic saying they have never heard of this... to go ahead and try another shake - I did have a cracker this am to get the barfy feeling out of my body. (I did check the fat and carbs and told the clinic) it was a yummy cracker.

So here I go Day 2 - chocolate shake #1 and maybe some hot tea later.

Im only allowed 3 - 12oz shakes a day and 225 calories of veggies. Which I will not get in today.

Now the up side - Im soooo NOT HUNGRY after the night from hell. Maybe my body is helping me along with this pre op thing making me violently ill so I can just sleep through the 2 weeks or at least the first few days.

I'll keep you all posted.

Pre Op Day 1 - I'm Soooo HUNGRY!!!!!!!!

Wednesday will be my weigh in day to coincide with pre op start and surgery day. So this morning my wonderful scale (which by the way has been tested for accuracy and is pretty bang on) gave me the bad news....

So after I took my weight in (not my highest 282) I started my day with my 1st shake Vanilla at 7:30am

Now Im telling you - Im sooooooooooo HUNGRY!!!!!!!!! I was starving by 11am.
I thought day 1 would be easy but no I have a headache, I got my period too - the stress of pre op scared it out a day early.
I had second - Chocolate shake at 12:30 and had to give in to raw veggies - Did you ever notice plain celery tastes like sweat? I spend my day reading about ketosis and about other gastric bypass pre op and I've got to say mine is pretty restrictive. I called to ask about Balsamic Vinegar since it says I can have Vinegar and then I got a long explanation about carbs and calories. Way too much information for my weakened state.

So I am now looking at a mushroom which I will cook and make it look like dinner with garlic and lemon juice. I will let you know what comes of it.

50 hours to Pre Op!!!

As you can see I am ready for my 2 weeks of pre op - I have all that I can drink/eat ready to go.

1. Various kinds of fancy spring water - to make me feel important and loved [check]
2. Several stalks of above ground veggies that Im aloud to eat in different forms - steamed - grilled or broiled but plain nonetheless [check]
3. My fab meal replacement shakes in both Chocolate and Vanilla - that I will tell myself daily are really really good [check]
4. And last but not least a lemon - to chase down the "really really good shakes" like cheap tequila [check] and [check]

I have 50 hours left and have chosen my final food destination - all you can eat Chinese buffet - because I think my days of all you can eat anything are gone forever. This will happen tomorrow and Tuesday I will rest and eat chocolate.

6 more days to Pre Op

Thanks for being here for me - all of your comment are keeping me on track.

I especially want to thank my friend Gilly for talking me down from the crazy ledge.

Now Im getting ready to finish off my shopping make and freeze some soup and find places for my kids to hide when I turn into the crazy I haven't eaten real food in forever lady who used to be their mom.

Im so glad I took the week off I needed it to gather myself.

Until later :)

THE GROCERY LIST!!!! PLEASE ADD YOUR FAVOURITES!

Ok I want to say thanks to all who read the last blog and have now returned to read more - you are very brave :P

I FEEL MUCH BETTER!!!!!!!!!!

I am now focused and ready - I am getting ready for my life with the band - starting with a trip to the US to go grocery shopping for food I can eat with the band or anything to make my life more flavourful with my band.

I am ready to shop until I drop and have a cooler in my car.

Please send me your favourite items or any must haves for all the stages.

Thanks for helping me with my list.

ME

THE FAT RULES EVERYTHING!

******WARNING****** what you are about to read is a super emotional post.


FAT rules my life and it has never been so in my face as much as it has been in the past week. I realize that EVERY decision that I make for myself or my family or my children the weight is my first consideration.

My kids lives are ruled by my inability to do anything - I cant stand being so big and lately I feel like Im so much heavier (and I have looked at the scale and I have only gained 2 lbs. from food funeral it feels like 50) I cant even stand for more than a few minutes my poor kids have been missing out on so much cause Ive let myself become so big.

I know this is self pity but I mostly pity my kids, my hubby, my house that doesnt get cleaned by me cause I cant bend down or stand for long periods of time. Ive lost my life and taken a part of everyone I love lives with me.

Ive taken the week off work cause Im in this emotional freak out here and I need too regroup and be sad and a bit scared as to what life will be like after - I have been cranky and inactive and just a shell of me for so long that I dont know if I have me in me anymore.

Maybe its because Im getting close to my pre op and surgery date or maybe its been because I havn't been feeling well or because my food funeral is just turning me off of food or because my kids have been not nice lately or because my 40th was disappointing but I have been a bit panicky about this GIANT life change that is about to happen.

Food has been my go to for as long as I can remember I guess Im afraid a bit to let it go. The band will force me to walk away from it like tough love with an abusive partner - you are not good for me so I have to leave you now.

Wow I never thought Id be that girl who would keep doing something that is basically killing her.

My pre op blood work came back and I guess Im doing this just in time - my sugar is high, my triglycerides are through the roof and I have some level 1 heart something (that no one ever told me about). There really is no turning back. I have been going through the motions with the slight thought of an exit plan in the back of my mind but these tests really have scared me - I used to joke that I was the healthiest obese person ever - well not anymore - Im not going to see my kids grow up if I launch my exit plan.

I guess Im sad and afraid and angry that I am here and didn't even see myself get here (I did but chose to ignore the last few years).

Mostly Im afraid of surgery, of the unknown post op, of life with the band and of failing.

Ok thats enough crazy for 1 day - thanks for reading this or at least trying to.

ps. Im still going through with the surgery.

One more month

OMG - 1 month today - Wednesday March 7th @ 9:20 or 10:40am (if I cant get a sitter for the am)

All my forms are in. Im holding onto my money until the last minute so I can avoid interest for a little longer.

I just read Lisa's Blog and I must say Im a bit worried cause I barf on any pain medication.

Wisdom teeth + Codeine = Barf
Sinus Infection gone bad + Demerol = Barf
and my favorite - even after I told them NO Drugs...
Tonsils + Morphine = Barf and ripping open sutures and 3 other surgeries to repair bleeding tonsils that were ripped open by barfing - Thanks fake ENT Dr. making more $ for doing more surgeries.

I keep telling them its an allergy with the vomiting and a rash but no one believes me since my family Dr. doesn't consider vomiting an allergy - so now my surgeon has to find a pain med that will NOT make me throw up other than regular tylenol but because thankfully he is NOT STUPID like tonsil guy he is looking into it. I have pre warned my husband to make sure they know and to remind them if they look tired or confused.

Im getting prepared and a bit nervous - maybe panic is a better word for it.. maybe pre panic YES PRE PANIC - Not quite freaking out sweating but heart rate is up when I think of what Im about to do plus the screaming in my head is a pre panic move. Maybe its the fat me trying to be heard.

Ok I promised not to think about the band until pre op starts but I dont think I can wait that long.

Until later

Me

Ordered my shakes today

I ordered my shakes today - I have been procrastinating on that one for a while. I asked my hubby if it was OK to go ahead and take out (gulp) $15,000.00 from our line of credit for the surgery and to make sure that he still thought I was worth that kind of cash???
He still said yes - silly beautiful hubby!

Next on the list is to celebrate my 40th birthday on Wednesday with the dinner to end all dinners. I haven't looked at the scale but I can feel I'm up. This food funeral is actually making me not want to eat. It really is too much food - WOW did I just say that? Im sure by day 4 of my pre op my kids will be hiding from me cause Ill want to eat them - LOL!!!

Tomorrow Im doing my Dr's exam and pre op blood work - BTW - I hate needles. I hope I don't forget that Im fasting and drink something in the am.

Ok thats it for now nothing exciting - kinda like Madonna at the Super Bowl.

Till later

me