No more AVOIDING!!!

Well I have been a real downer since before surgery and trying to figure out the balance between life with my band and just life has been quite its own journey. What Im super good at is ignoring the hard stuff and  AVOIDING - thats what got me into the body I have now. Avoiding the gym, avoiding the scale, avoiding the mirror, avoiding the people who love me but are honest...

Well no more as of today I am going to set goals - short goals - NSV goals. I was inspired by Amanda who just wrote about her goals. And I was secretly guilted by another bandster I admire Lap Band Gal who asked me when I started my journey "How will I be ACCOUNTABLE?" Boy did I avoid that question...

So here I am today to set goals - real goals - short term goals - achievable goals - because when I gained this weight I lost my drive to be awesome and I did not waste $16000.00 on this band to not be able to play with my kids, clean my house or have sexy time with my hubby...

Goals for May/June

1. Update and clean up my garden
2. Clean my entire house - alone (this is a work in progress)
3. Walk the dog around the block 3x a week starting - Monday May 28th
4. Go see my son sing at the Blue Jays game on June 13th
5. Park my car in the parking lot across the street & not beside my work - each day I work
6. Pre measure and cut up ALL my meals 
7. Eat SLOWLY - especially 1st bite to avoid getting stuck
8. Listen to my band while eating - hear it when its whispering not screaming
9. Check in with myself before I eat
10. Accountability - Weigh in every Tuesday and post it to my blog - start May 29th

Thats it - 10 for the month - that is quite the list but a hard one for me - I did not put 'log all food' because I hate logging my food and I know I wouldn't do it...

Happy Memorial Day weekend US bloggers!!! Happy normal weekend everyone else!

Can you feel it???

Can you feel it when you get your fill??? This is my question?

My 1st fill they took all the fluid out and then put it back in plus 0.3cc's - I totally felt that and after I felt a difference in my food intake.

On Thursday I went for my 2nd fill (another 0.3cc's = 4.6cc's total) but I didn't feel anything. Im still not feeling much of a difference in what I am able to eat or even in how hungry I am.

I know that my clinic is super conservative and I think I am happy about this after reading some other blogs. But I don't want to wait another 6 weeks to find my sweet spot... I want to be losing steady and not feeling hungry.

So what I want to know is...

When you get your fill - can you feel the fluid going in? How soon after do you feel a difference in your hunger? Do they ever miss your port? Are you girls south of my boarder getting every fill via ultrasound? How long did it take to find your sweet spot?

Any other advice would be appreciated.

Im finally pulling out of the pit life has thrown me in since February - maybe its like a bad initiation that you get when you turn 40?

I thought it was because of my band... But bathroom reno, pre-op, recovery, fridge breaking 2x, banister hell, dad having a stroke, dog barfing, food poisoning, kid getting beaten up and the insane work nightmare seem to be clearing  up.

So now again here I am focusing on my band - and trying to figure out where Im heading in this journey.

Happy weekend everyone!

TTT!!!

1. Today I got my 2nd fill - another .03 cc's. Im certainly not in my sweet spot but Im getting there. I need to regroup and start from the beginning. I hope this gets me through the next 6 weeks.

2. I lost 6 lbs. since my last fill.

3. My work is crazy and my boss is passive aggressive and I only get paid for 15 hours but have been working 20 hours for the last few weeks - I asked for a day off to recoup from the 20 hour day that I will be doing on Thursday and she tore my head off and listed a whole bunch of people who have been working like crazy lately - funny that all these people who have been working the crazy hours don't have small children but I would be seen as being NOT a team player to point that out.

4. Im going to get back on fitness pal tomorrow and track my food.

5. I am very thankful for my band. I just wish I could get the hang of it already.

6. My kids are being really good lately - I hope it lasts.

7. This weekend is a long weekend here in Canada - Victoria Day on Monday - to celebrate a dead British Queen but hey we get the day off work. Many Canadians have renamed it May 2-4 because the weather is mild enough so people get their 2-4 of beer and go camping.

8. Im going to go see Duran Duran on September 1st at a casino in the middle of no where.

9. We are building a deck this weekend and my hot tub is on.

10. Im tired and going to bed now... Good Night Everyone!!!

Bread - Stuck - Up!!! a.k.a. Am I insane???

Ok they say the definition of insane is doing the same thing over and over and looking for different results.

I LOVE bread - yes I would kick my hubby out of bed for a really well made baguette. I especially LOVE egg bread - So soft - so yummy. I now have a band & I can't eat the soft yummy bread anymore - I have tried and learned the hard way again & again that I can't eat the soft bread.

Soft bread + Band = Painfully Stuck & PB'ing, self hate and crying.

Crackers - ok, chips - ok, crust in tiny pieces - yup still good but soft bread is bad Bad BAD!

So why the hell do I keep trying to eat it? Am I trying to hurt myself? Stretch my pouch? I don't want surgery again. Im so lost with this band - all my go to food is causing me pain and really lets face it suffering... Am I insane? IS the FOOD that Important?

Look these hot dogs are even wrapped in straitjackets made out of bread! This is a SIGN!!!!

I go for my fill on Thursday and I hope that they are going to give me something that will make me not feel hungry every 2 hours and that will make me feel full and give me that signal that enough is enough.

Ive done lots of thinking since my surgery and I need to make this work but this is the hardest thing Ive ever had to learn to live with. Everything I know and love about food has changed. I love learning about new food and I wish I could WANT to exercise but I would rather have a root canal - my feet still hurt and my hips hurt more with my weight loss than before - I guess from being off balance while losing weight but I don't have my va-voom to push through the hard parts - thats where the egg bread came in. I know stupid - It was my yummy comfort food that made me suffer when it was over like some bad STD contracted on an impulsive one night stand in the back of a car.

AM i going to be one of those band failure stories? Fu*K I hope not - I had so much faith in my power to do it and I was realistic about my band and its powers - wheres that high and excitement?

I need to be inspired again! Peace and retreat! I couldn't abandon my family & work for some peace - not now in crazy season. So I guess I'll linger here and hope that fixing the many broken things around the house will help me to achieve some part of peace... but all in all in the end I will still love my bread!

BYOC - a day late... now thats crazy!!!!

It was Friday fun day and I missed it! But hey Im going to do it anyway... so here is the late comers BYOC – Bring Your Own Crazy! 

1. Are you a “wake up on the first beep of the alarm clock” or a “hit the snooze button 50 times before you get up” kind of person? Is your alarm clock set to the right time?
Im a snooze girl - I hit it at least 4 times in the am. My bedroom clock is 5 min fast. My microwave & oven clocks are 8 minutes fast and my car clock is 11 minutes fast. Im often late so this helps. (this is my clock but mine is black - I wish it was purple though)

2. Do you decorate for any holidays other than Christmas?
Halloween is my fave!!!! We decorate a big cemetery on our front lawn and a coffin on the porch and cover the place with spider webs and giant spiders I even had a huge one on the porch roof this year.

3. Would you consider yourself a spontaneous fly by the seat of your pants kind of person or a massive OCD controlling planner kind of person or someone in between?
Oh NO!!! I'm a planner. Super total planner. I can go with the flow if I have to - when I have no control of the plans or when Ive planned to have no plan but for my own stuff I want to plan, plan, plan.

4. Tell me some of your MUST have hair products that you use consistently….you know - share your “hair routine”. 
I love Kevin Murphy! It smells soooooo good!!!! I use the Angel Wash & Rinse, the 'Anti Gravity' volumizer and the 'Motion Lotion' curl enhancer. Right now Im straightening my hair - its really for the best - my curl is not cooperating.

5. Repeat question: How was your week and what are your upcoming weekend plans?
Well my beautiful boy was bullied this week by kids who we all thought were his friends. Its been quite the week at home and I had a crazy work schedule as we started our final show of the season and announced our upcoming season. I need to be cloned so I can do everything I need to do. As for the weekend I cancelled my plans because I wanted to stay home and wasn't up to having fun with my friends. As I sit here right now with you I can hear my fridge grumbling - which as I may have mentioned before is a bad sign... it has been repaired twice already in the past month and if it goes again it means new fridge - $$$ which is not in the budget - shit shit shit... So my Sunday may consist of me moving food to my neighbours fridge? I have also asked for my boys to get along...for Mother's Day we'll see if they can do it for 1 day??? 


So happy Mother's Day tomorrow to all you Momees!!!!! xxoo I hope your food is eatable,
your kids are peaceful and you have a day full of NSV's!!!!

Have I killed my mojo?

You would think that being only 8 weeks banded that I would be on a high and going strong measuring everything, chewing 20x+ and going strong. 

But Sadly No!

Ever since my surgery my life seems to be in perpetual chaos and I can't get my groove back. 

My bathroom reno was started right before surgery but due to many Many MANY set back it is only 90% complete to date and we are now discussing removing one of the walls cause it looks like crap...

I slept sitting up on my couch away from my hubby and bed for far too long after surgery and it took a very long time to heal these scars - they still look a little questionable.

Im having a very hard time learning how to eat with this new band - I had a few PB's and they were gross and violent and Im always paranoid that Ive moved my band.

My washing machine broke - we bought a new one. $$$$

My fridge broke and we fixed the fan $$$

I can't find enough time in the day to catch up - being home after surgery and doing a bathroom reno has made me lose precious hours and I can't seem to get things organized - my meal plans - stuff to take to work - the kids summer cloths - my hubby's lunches the list is giant...

My father had a stroke (don't worry it was mild and he's ok) but he did not tell me until 12 days after it happened. Then I have to drop everything to go see him and that is always a disaster - I PB'd at their house and could over hear the super loud whispers of old people - that I was falling apart and how could I help them and that Im still fat and now on top of it Im throwing up in their bathroom - what kind of surgery was this???

My oldest son has Aspergers and is in puberty and likes girls - I won't even say more...

The office manager at my work made me cry because she treats me like a child and I think she thinks Im stupid - my boss is passive aggressive and gave me advice to not let her bully me and to talk with her about the problem and that she will stand by me - so I email Office manager lady on Friday to meet on Monday and then on Monday my boss says maybe I should just leave it alone - WTF????

My work is busy and crazy and there are not enough hours in the day to do what I need to do and since my surgery I know that everyone is watching me trying to figure out if Im losing weight or saying things like "I can tell you're thinner" or "your face looks thinner" or the bold ones say "so how much have you lost"? I feel like I need to come up with some great answer but I just quietly hate them...

Ive now come down with a nasty gastric bug since Wednesday - the one that allows you to drop lots of weight because you have a fever of 102-104 and anything you put in your mouth feels like an alien in your belly and then rocket launches out of your bum 45 seconds later.

I feel awful - Imodium is not working - Nothing is working to solidify the situation. And on top of it all Ive gotten sick at THE most busy time of the season at my work. Work is crazy now for a healthy, 120lb, 25 year old but for a recently banded, 250+lb, 40 year old sick person it is HELL!!!

Oh yeah my fridge broke again during my fever so no one noticed and I had to throw out over $100 worth of food and pay again to fix it :(

So thats where Im at now - bloated - trying to eat cause Im hungry and my tummy is rumbling but being afraid to since everything I put in my mouth gives me a belly ache and bloating and the runs...

Now Im paranoid that maybe its the band? Cause every time I've called my Dr's office I get the bitchy nurse who dismisses everything as 'fine' Is my band eroding into my stomach? No? How do you know? Are you psychic? Is there something else wrong? Could the band be infected? Really a red spot on my belly is the ONLY sign of this??? Not my 103.5 fever for several days? WOW - you're so great!!! Im glad I called!!!


BTW I called again yesterday & today and no one called back - They've got me on the 'crazy patient' list - so when I call them again tomorrow the conversation will go something like... When someone pays you $16,000.00 for a medical procedure in Canada you better provide wicked ass customer service - fuck for that money the Dr. should have fondled me at least once... I want to come in and SEE the Dr. and then I want to go to the hospital with a requisition for a floroscope so we can take a fucken look see at my band and make sure everything is 'fine' - even though Im sure you employ the greatest psychic in world and what she says is never wrong - I would like a machine and a Doctors opinion!!!! And then as I leave the appointment I would like your to ask Dr. Cobourn to whistle as I leave the room!

We'll see how far that gets me - or maybe I go with my husbands approach - Could I PLEASE come in  to see the Dr.? It would make me feel better.


So whats a girl to do? Is this a Karma thing? Was I mean to people? (probably)
When does it end? When can I just sit back and be with my band and figure this whole new life out?

I want to cry - actually I did several times while I shivered in my bathroom at 12:00am, 3:30am, 4:00am, 4:15am and 5:00am.

The only upside is that I can blog again - I was so sick I couldn't even read the screen - I have catch up on all of your posts. Good reading for the bathroom where I have now moved into (no not the new one).

Im happy to be back.