Im a not so secret admirer...

When I was young I used to have people that I looked up to. Somewhere along my journey I became comfortable in my own skin and set in my ways and those people started being few and far between. Before now I couldn't think of the last person that really sent me into an AH HA! moment as Oprah would call it. Its a bit sad really and I think that without those people to look up to and admire I have become closed off to life and new ways of thinking and feeling and doing.

Since I've started this weight loss/lap band journey I have read the blogs of some extraordinary people. These people inspire me and make me want to be better than what I have settled for. 

One of the top people on this list and Im sure on many lists is Lap Band Gal she is amazing. I have been in my slump and have decided to start reading her journey from the start. It is funny how her blog starts - she was a newbie just like me - now she is this wealth of lap band know how. How can I not look up to this woman and all that she has accomplished even if her journey is different than mine? She had questions in the beginning and got answers from her comments - now she provides answers. Im impressed with her ACCOUNTABILITY - I envy her that she can do it. I hate being accountable even to myself - its so much easier to hide.

I have been in quite the whirlwind nightmare of lap band regret lately and I found her page on Facebook and the 1st thing I read when I looked at her page was the below note:

Are You Feeling Unsuccessful With Your Gastric Band? Read This! It's Not Too Late!

by Lap Band Gal on Sunday, 13 November 2011 at 21:44 ·

You had weight loss surgery with a laparoscopic adjustable gastric band several months ago, maybe even years ago and it’s been less than successful in your opinion. “It just didn’t work for me” you told yourself. And now you’re hesitant to even tell others about it because once again you tried and failed. But here’s a thought - maybe your success was merely delayed.

The beauty of the LAP-BAND® System is that you can pick up where you left off. And if you never got on, well – that ship can sail again.

The LAP-BAND® is a tool. It’s designed to help you in your weight loss journey. It is not a “silver bullet”. It is not a panacea. It is not going to “do it for you”. You have to work it, just as with any tool. A pen doesn’t work too well just sitting on the desk and a paint brush doesn’t work too well either just resting on the easel.

Patients that do well with the LAP-BAND® typically lose 1-2 pounds per week. Some do even better with reducing their caloric intake, eating properly, making better food choices and exercising regularly.

But you say to yourself, “If I could do that, I wouldn’t need the LAP-BAND®”.

When in the “green zone” the LAP-BAND® restricts the amount of food you can eat, so that you can get back on the boat (eating properly). It gives you a chance to change some eating habits. You’re less hungry (you’ve got less capacity to eat) and you’re combining that with changing what you eat every day and adding in an exercise routine. Now you’re on the road to success with the LAP-BAND®.

Just know that no weight loss surgery procedure or device is going to “make decisions for you”. The weight loss surgery procedure that you choose will have no idea specifically what you’re eating. To be successful, you’re going to need to change some things.

So, if you continue to eat things that you know aren’t “on the program” – there’s a good chance your weight loss journey will be a short one. If you don’t regularly exercise and monitor the calories going in versus the calories going out, then your weight loss journey will likely be a bumpy one.

Get back on track. Go back to see your weight loss surgeon and his/her staff.

Re-dedicate yourself to yourself and… to your family.

Use the tool. Lose the weight.   

*************

Now I don't what this was written for but this was exactly where I am at and it gave me hope. I'm taking the knowledge I've gained from having my band for 7 months and starting all over again. Theres not alot of things in this world that you get a do over for but Im glad this is one of them.

Thank You Lap Band Gal!!!

ReACTION = ACTION

Ok all my bitching and whining did me some good.

Today I went to my clinic and it was a good experience I got...

• to see the nurse I wanted - if it aint broken don't fix it - Im not seeing anyone else if I can help it
• a requisition for a barium swallow for November 21st (my baby's b-day so it will be good luck)
• a proper filling fill
• the name and contact information for the peer support group that meets monthly
• the ok to make an appt. to see the dietician

I was going to start from the beginning today but I had to try to eat solids to make sure the fill worked and YUP it did.

So tomorrow is a new day and I start over...

Ok... lets try this again....

I have a plan - a crazy insane type of plan - it's soooo crazy that it just might work!!!

I am starting from the start...  from the start very start...

History:
Starting weight: 284lb
Pre Op: Feb 22, 2012
Banded: March 7, 2012
Food Poisoning: Late March 2012
1st fill: April 12, 2012
1st super stuck episode: May 18th weekend - culprit - shrimp
Many stuck episodes in between due to food test or 1st bite syndrome
1 unfill in early stages as I get used to the band...
Bronchitis and heavy dose antibiotics: September 2012
Large 0.5cc unfill: September 2012
1st flight with band: Sept 27, 2012
Refill: 0.3cc: Oct 5, 2012

Ok present day: I have been super hungry since my unfill and refill (I am 100% sure she missed)
I have asked for a meeting with the Dr. (he's very busy only works on the exact same days that I work)
Im going in tomorrow for another fill. I plan to make an appointment to see the Dr in person at this time to talk about the "support" that they dont seem to have in place. My weight is up 256 lbs a 28lb loss NOT acceptable at this stage of the game... I want onederland...

If I have 0 restriction after this fill (with the same nurse that I have had all previous successful fills with) Then there is something wrong with my band - 100% no doubt in my mind - reflux or not.

If there is restriction then I will be happy and do a naked dance in my bathroom.

Either way will no change my eating plan that I have devised to jump start this weight loss and make me stop feeling like Ive thrown away all my money...

I plan to do the pre op diet for 3 days (no food - just shakes)... then do a modified pre op with protein for dinner for 4 days and then move on to my 1 cup serving NO EXCEPTIONS!!!!!

It sounds a bit stupid but Ive got to start over now that I have more knowledge and can avaoid the stuck, pb'ing and emotional roller coaster this band is providing me.

I will post tomorrow and let you know if I am successful with my fill.

Lost & Found

Yesterday was my 10th wedding anniversary and I remember being this fat bride (thats me 30lbs lighter with S giving me running shoes cause I was dying in my heels) not believing that my hubby wanted to marry me but was just doing the 'right thing' cause we had a baby. This went one for several years as my weight creeped up and up my vision of me got lost in all the layers.

I remember my lowest point I was wishing death and thinking that my children would be better off without this fat useless mother who cant do anything with them. Hubby and I were barely talking and I was eating 2 dinners every night. I was suffocating under my weight and I kept eating wishing that my heart would stop - but then I would get scared that the kids would find me. I couldn't see straight I was a giant ball of hate - hate for me - hate for life. It was coming out everywhere - I was such a bitch to strangers - to my in-laws - to my parents. Thankfully I wasn't working at the time or I would have been fired... I sat on an executive board and they couldn't wait until my reign of terror was over (I still pop by from time to time just to stress them out LOL). I wasnt talking to anyone about my problems - we'll I tried but I could find anyone who could relate - they said they had eating issues but they were not my eating issues - barfers and starvers didnt understand it - HA funny thing was I was a purger all those years ago and I would wonder how many of them would give it up to only become the 1 thing that they were terrified of - ok thats a different blog post!

Anyway the point is - I didn't walk by mirrors - I had one full mirror in my home and it was covered by my robe that didn't fit me anymore. I avoided photos and would quickly delete from FB any tags. I was in denial of how I looked and I was avoiding myself entirely - everything that was me was becoming buried and lost. I had no idea of who I was anymore. This was a 10 year project of taking bits of me and hiding them so far away that I couldn't find them when I started looking - even that sesame street video couldn't help me...

So at the end of 2011 I decided that before I actually died and left my boys without their mom because of something that I did to myself I would get myself back to me. No more rage and hate and self loathing. This was starting to show on them - my crap was sticking to my beautiful babies - I was so ashamed - I was so far in my hole that I couldn't see what was in front of me anymore.
I was ready to find the lost pieces but could never do it as I was. Thats when I started looking at the band - I was too terrified to do the by-pass (which is covered in Canada) So with every penny I had - hows that for a commitment - WHAT WAS I THINKING ??? - I found a lap band clinic, set a date, told only a chosen few and went for it on March 7th, 2012

Now you can read my journey to that point but I want to kip ahead to now. I have had a crazy pb'ing, painful ride with this band and even though Ive come to a standstill right now. I am finding myself little by little - you never know where the hell the old me will pop up - its funny when you do something that is like deja vu and then you realize that you were the one to do it so many years ago.

Thats where Im at now. Im not hiding - GOD somedays I want to hide - but Im not - Im fighting for this one. I can proudly say that everything in my life I ever really fought for I have got. Its time to feel that want - that drive. I want to be successful at this - yes, because I paid $16,000.00 - yes, cause I want to have really hot sex again - yes, because I want to touch my feet - but mostly because I don't want to let myself down anymore. Because I miss me and I'd like to see me again.

Disappointed blogger...

There are many things that I am disappointed about right now that are directly associated with how I blog and how often....

My BOOBS experience really put a new spin on how I look at blogging and I must say that I have lost my excitement for it. I came home and stopped following several people since I could no longer with the same enthusiasm after meeting them in real life.

I was however blessed to add some wonderful ladies to my FB page and continue our friendship on a different level.

My last fill was not successful and Im sure that the .2cc's got injected into my belly fat and not my port... this was confirmed by my husband who claims that I am a bitch when my fill works... and I was "too happy" to have just had a fill.

I am really having struggles with my band - I am super sensitive to it. I knew that the fill didnt work - I even asked her if she got it in as I didnt feel it. She insured me that the saline went in - yes but where cause it wasnt my band... I have been asking for an image of my band to be taken and they have refused me as they do not believe that anything is wrong again (since I dont have reflux???)  I know my body - there is something fishy... I have gone to my GP but she would like me to ask again at the clinic before she steps on anyones toes.

I feel like a failure since everyone around me is expecting some incredible weight loss and Im just struggling along - up and down the same weight for the past 2 months. My overall loss is only 33 lbs and I am so upset because 33lbs is certainly not worth $16,000.00.

I have been questioning my reasons for doing this in the first place since I was not going to have WLS ever and then I started to worry about my health and the opportunity for the band came fast and furious into my path. I thought it was a sign that maybe I needed to revisit this. So here I am 7 months banded and feeling like I never was.

Sorry for the negativity - Im just in that place now... Maybe its the cold cold Canadian weather???

Plastic Surgery for Thanksgiving???

This post is sooo not what you're thinking.... 

I got my band at a plastic surgery clinic. My Dr. is not a plastic surgery Dr but shares a practice with his. Today i went for my fill. It is the week before Canadian Thanksgiving and boy was the clinic packed... I have never seen so many inflated faces in my life. Like wow... they must explode eventually right??? And boy did I get the looks (I think their eyes are only part of them that can still move independently) & not it wasnt because of my stunningly flawless skin and born this way full lips but because I was a fat chick in a plastic surgery clinic? Total fat removal perhaps? I actually got a dirty look and had someone move to another chair when I sat next to her. I so wanted to give her the finger when she kept staring at me but then I would be the 'crazy' fat chick. But I did laugh when at one point there were more fat people in the room waiting for their fill than the ones waiting for their botox. That made dirty look lady really uncomfortable - how dare they cater to this class of people. I could practically hear it screaming out of her head. I wonder if she'll ever go back.??? 

Ok but back to my fill.. I really like this nurse but her fill is so painful. OMG Im bruised and wanting to scream the 2 times I had her. I think I'll go back to the quiet, gentle one. Plus I pretty well know where my port is and my other fills have been in that spot but she seems to prick me in a different spot? Did it move? Oh well I think I got a refill 0.2cc but maybe not? I guess only time will tell. I go back in a month and hope to see some good results. Im tired of going up and down on the same few pound... I will break my 230's and stay there. Next week I plan to start a new tracker and get back to blogging. 

See I told you... it was disappointing wasn't it? 

Goodbye Chicago... Hello New Friends!

I went to Chicago with expectations (my fault) as a newbie I thought it would be different... more sociable. Before I went I tried to figure out what people would be like based on their blogs and photos and then when I meet that person face to face I was often surprised at how wrong I was.... Im sure it went the other way too.

However I was blessed to have a wonderful roommate Jennxaz and meet some truly AWESOME ladies (you know who you are) who I plan to keep in touch with. I find it incredible that this piece of plastic brings so many different lives together sharing in this very similar journey. 

I have found a new path to follow and I feel stronger now. I am excited to see what experiences that will bring.