ACCOUNTABILITY?????

Im here on my new blog and this is my 1st post on it. The old blogs name didnt match the journey on on now so Im happier with the new one - it suits me more -even though Ive lost all but 3 followers....


Today is special - Im 6 months banded today and I have had lots of ups and downs on this crazy crazy journey...

I thought that it would be easy - make this huge medical and financial commitment and I would be melting the weight off my body because how on earth could I not....???? Wouldn't $16,000 and surgery make my brain think - shit she's serious we should help her do this... We'll I was wrong wrong wrong - so very very wrong - my brain was the same as always and I gave my band more responsibility than it could live up to. Im sorry LOLA...

This is what I have learned so far....

• Spending money and having surgery does not cure emotional eating
• Bandster hell is a horrible emotional and physical ride that is unavoidable in some form or another.
• My band is not the boss of my brain 
• Sometime my will power is weak
• Everyones sweet spot is DIFFERENT
• The sweet spot changes
• Non bandsters cannot eat like I NEED to eat no matter how much they try
• My parents dont get it - so stop trying to explain 
• Trying to act like I dont have a band while eating with others is stupid
• Watch the 1st bite - it gets me stuck 97% of the time
• I will binge sometimes - let it go - don't let it consume you
• Not everyone slimes
• Sliming means Ive gone too far
• PB'ing is awful
• I MUST learn from my mistakes
• Ask for help when you need it - someone will answer
• Sometimes the giant potholes in the road test you to your limit
• Its ok to cry
• Its ok to medicate
• People assume Im weak cause I have the band - but I am not
• It is a hard ride
• I CAN eat around my band - but choose not to - most of the time
• Tracking my food helps - I hate it but its true
• Im not good at keeping my eye on my goals
• Weighing yourself everyday provides prospective
• ACCOUNTABILITY
• Other people have strange and unrealistic goals for me now that Im banded
• I must stay in contact with my clinic 
• Blogging helps get the emotional stuff out
• Other bandsters get it
• I can do this even if Im slow out of the gate

Thats not everything Im sure but the really important stuff so far.

My highest weight 284 lbs

My weight today 254 lbs.

Total Loss 30lbs in 6 months.

grateful

I want to say how grateful I am for all of you! I thank all of you who walked the path I am about to walk and care enough to lend a hand on the rough patches. I feel like I know many of you so well - having read your blogs backwards some from several years ago - boy some of you blog ALOT! You are inspirational - truthful - hilarious & open.

I especially thank you for blogging your own fears many of which are mine and your ups that I celebrate with you.

I have decided on the band and with it I have decided to no longer cheat myself or my family out of a life.
I dont expect the band to be magic - just a reminder to use the skills that I have to say NO to the food and YES to a better option.

I am almost 1 month away to my pre op and I will do what I am told (there is a first for EVERYTHING) and then keep my promise with my band and myself and to all of you!

Ahhhhh! HELP!

Ok before I found blogging I was on a band forum/chat room. Once I found all of you inspiring awesome people I pretty well stopped going to the chat site but I still get emails from there. The last question I posted before I found blogging was... What makes the band successful?
Well today I got the email of all emails this person said she was banded and wasted her money and it doesn't work and that people are only screwing with you on the sites and not telling you that the band doesn't work she had 17 fills and didn't lose weight - is this possible? She said there is no restriction it's a myth and she called the clinics 'band mills'.

Ok I'm a pretty smart person and don't usually let 1 comment throw me off but it was one of those messages you can't ignore. I'm a bit stressed out now - I am spending our entire savings on this and really I can't be fat anymore. This email has scared me and now I'm afraid that I will fail too.

Help from you guys please? I can do all the reaserch in the world but until I get it I won't know what is the key to using it to be successful?

Please any advice would be welcome.

Thank you

Ready, Set, FOOD FUNERAL !!!!

Ok - Im up watching mindless kid movies last night with my little guy and all of a sudden Im starving - ALL I WANT IS PIZZA...mmmmmmm

So I order it and I go get it so it's still hot and eat 4 giant slices (had to shove that last one in). It was so good.

I have promised myself that I would eat anything that I wanted until my pre op so I didnt feel like I missed out but since I booked my date I havent really been eating out of the norm (except for my mother in laws xmas cookies). I thought that maybe I wouldnt need to do it - that my mind was made up and it would give me a break so I could gently ease into my pre op diet.

Maybe it is because I have been working like a maniac to get some extra money (so I dont feel as guilty that my hubby is paying for alot of the surgery cost) that I havent been hungry but last night I think I would have gone out in a blizzard and sold a kid for the pizza.

Now Im thinking about food all the time - I was even eating in my dream. Im feel like Ive just come back from being stranded on an island and Im soooooo hungry - I know this is mostly mental hunger and I dont really care. I just hope I dont have a heart attack before my surgery from all the food I intend to eat.

I know that people have mixed emotions about the 'Food Funeral' - not wanting to add more weight to have to get rid of after, making it harder to do the pre op after eating so much... etc...

But I think for me I need to ride this out - give in to the food like I always have - maybe its the right way to say goodbye to all my unhealthy habits? To give the food one last moment in the drivers seat...

It was best said by The Doors...

This is the end - my only friend - the end.
It hurts to set you free - but you'll never follow me... This is the end...

Can you picture what will be - so limitless and free...

BTW - I told!!!

Well - I ended up telling my sisters. Yup - there I was thinking about something my friend Gilly said in a comment... she said she never told in case she didnt lose the weight. Well - yup that was it staring right at me - Im not telling so I have an escape plan - if they dont know and I dont lose weight then so be it. The less people who know the less REAL it is.

The reaction was pretty on the ball - my little sister is worried because its surgery (which was sweet) but the others were bang on and they really havnt said anything else about it. I guess I picked good timing and they are all absorbed in their own drama to be focused on me - which is great.

The reason of WHY I didnt tell made me think about all my diet failures of life and I realized that I always had an out and excuse - I am Queen of the loop hole. I can figure out a way to bend almost anything so I can indulge. I promised myself that after being banded I will NOT do this. I have purposely not done a ton of research on eating with the band because I know that I will find the way to cheat - other than the obvious (Milkshakes and Chocolate). I do it for everything - Im a rule bender - have been as long as I can remember. Its been wonderful at times but with the food - no so much!

So my promise to all of you and to ME is that I WILL follow the food rules with my band until I reach my goal. Then maybe I can bend a little.

Until later

Me

p.s. Surgery is 2 MONTHS away!!!!

Word for 2012

Happy 2012 Everyone!!!!

I've thought long and hard about the word that will be 'the' word that will guide my year and I have chosen ME.


ME  - not the selfish kind of ME but the raw and real ME. The ME that confronts my fears and stands up for what I need.

The ME that likes ME!

I have been avoiding ME for a very long time. Now 2012 is the time for ME to reunite with ME.

Wishing you all the very best and joyful year ever!!!