During the holidays I am forced to visit many people that I would normally avoid from February-November. We tried to escape the mess of doing this by leaving the Country during the festive season but unfortunately it all caught up with me in the last few weeks including today.
As you may know I am a self pay bandster - I handed over my money - they took it and gave me a band. No drawn out insurance process, no psychological testing. A few blood tests and letter from my GP saying my BMI is "morbidly obese" and I have a band.
The clinic gave my a small pre op book, an even smaller post op book with rules that should be followed, the business card with the 16 year old dietician info on it and another business card with the nurses info and then sent me on my way to lose weight.
Now at the beginning I was unstoppable. I was going to lose 100 lbs by 1 year. I was going to ride the Harry Potter ride and fit in all those roller coaster seats ( I even booked our vacation with this in mind), I was going to do dirty things to my husband that have not been done since we were dating and I was ..., I was ..., I was ...., I was ....
You get what Im saying so we will skip ahead to today. I have lost 30 lbs - 1/2 of that was during pre op. I have cried about my decision, I have had insane pb episodes, I have been filled, unfilled and tested and refilled, I have cried more. I have read blogs about success, failure and everything in-between. I have been inspired, I have felt good about my decision and I have regretted my decision.
I am well aware of what is going on and the struggle I am having mentally and that on the outside I look virtually the same but I was hoping that others were not noticing this but during all my 'fun' holiday visits to see people who I mostly hold a special place for in my heart I have been subjected to...
1. I guess you're surgery didn't work? - this one hurt
2. Did you have your surgery yet? - they know I did
3. Are you sure they put that band thing in? - yes I was wondering the same for a while but I checked
4. You threw away all that money! - maybe I did?
and my personal favourite...
5. So when do they turn it on? - OMG!!! Im not explaining this anymore!
I find it funny that before I decided to take this journey I was hardened on the outside - other peoples comments would not phase me - I was who I was and if they didn't like it - I didn't care. I would get hurt when my kids friends would be mean to them because of my size but I was hurt for them not for me - I was a rock. Having the surgery changed all that. I feel so venerable to peoples stares like I have opened myself up to those years of laughter and all the old wounds again and it especially hit me hard during this holiday time when I would visit and I guess everyone was expecting to see a thin me but they just got me...
I wish it didn't take me so long to get my head around having a band - but it has. I am facing the right direction I just need to stop falling down and get to my destination. I have no bad feelings for other bandsters success - Its actually the opposite -Im over here totally cheering - I just wish I could see that huge jump on the scale and feel that giddiness in my heart and be proud. I think I may be one of those slow turtle bandsters but Im ok with that too as long as I get to where I want to be.
So my Sunny Sunday for today is....
You know what I have struggled so hard with this band... Shit I even lost my Trainer who I paid to support me because he lost patience with me. (Read that blog post dec a few weeks ago). You will see my raw pain.... This shit is hard and I thought the band was going to fix me. Well it doesn't I diet, eat clean, work out like an addict, write every thing down I eat. Mathis journey consumes my entire life. NEVER NEVER give up on this. When your ready it will work.
ReplyDeleteThe comments hurt now, because you dared to hope. You have NOT failed. You are doing this at your own pace. The battle is won in baby steps. Tiny baby steps. I lose 1 pound one week, 2 the next, then gain 1. I is unnerving sometimes, but trust in yourself, your strength. You can do this!
ReplyDeleteYou can do this..I know you can. This is what is great about the band...just try again...try it a different way...start walking a bit(I know your foot hurts but maybe just for 15min...go window shopping...I know you like to shop) and give it another go...I am cheering for you down here in AZ
ReplyDeleteNot everyone loses at a hare's pace. I sure haven't but I know it's my own doing...not my band and no other reasons. But I have faith that we can do this. I have faith in our ability's to get motivated and get 'er done. We're cheering you on!
ReplyDelete