Understand YOUR band!

I have been banded for 10 months - 10 very hard months...
It has taken me this long to understand my band and understand all the details of how it works with me.

The best advice I have been given is... "Do not compare yourself to other bansters." Well this is hard to do because if you follow more than 1 blog like I do then Im sure you have favourites that you admire and wish you could do what they have done. It's human nature...

Well I have had a rough start with my band. Learning what foods I cannot eat (pork, potatoes, bread, sandwiches, shrimp, pad thai :( ..... ) and can eat (turkey slices, cheese and water) and what happens when Im sick and what happens to my band during my monthlies and how I need to change to meet the changes that I cannot see or feel until often its too late and Im running to the bathroom. I was internally beating myself up when I was not meeting my goals that were not really MY goals. The worst of my difficulties was my own fault as I had thought the emotional part of my head would automatically listen to the signals from my band - I did not think the band would be magic but I was really hoping... and when it did not - well that took me for a loop. I kept on testing it and testing it and I kept being disappointed. I really thought that my emotional eating would be curbed by my band - that the pain from being stuck would be an automatic shut down switch to my emotional eating but sadly no...

You see when you understand and learn your band as I have in the past 10 month you also understand how to cheat and get away with things... it felt good at first when it was only once in a while but then when I realized that Im just letting the emotional eater win - again.  Its like some evil Jekyll and Hyde with a dress living within me pushing my bad girl to eat that chocolate and adapt my food choices to get those emotional needs met in the exact same way that I did before my band but with slider foods because my crazy Jekyll and Hyde chick really does not like being stuck.

I was so emotional about the cheating, about the getting stuck, about the weight not moving that it was a vicious circle that needed to stop and my body stopped it with a scare that really brought perspective back to this journey.

The greatest thing about the band is that you can make adjustments to your journey and if you're having a rough time as I was you can always restart your journey where you left off. I know that without my band I would have gained all my weight back and then some when I went into emotional mode but now I am exactly where I left off - no gain - no loss and ready to move forward on a different path but towards the same goal.  Now that Ive gotten through that huge learning curve and am armed with a better understanding how my band works with me I can recognize when Im eating to stuff away my feelings and lying to myself and not rely on my band as I did to get me out of those situations and rely on myself to get the hell away from food.

Its funny... I thought I had all my ducks in a row when I started this journey - I thought I had researched enough and talked with everyone I could and I probably did but until you are in it you cannot know what it is like because everyones journey is different and everyones bands are different and although I love getting inspired by the bloggers I follow I now know that I cannot walk in their foot steps even though we may all be heading to the same place.

Out of the way! Turtle coming through...

During the holidays I am forced to visit many people that I would normally avoid from February-November. We tried to escape the mess of doing this by leaving the Country during the festive season but unfortunately it all caught up with me in the last few weeks including today.

As you may know I am a self pay bandster - I handed over my money - they took it and gave me a band. No drawn out insurance process, no psychological testing. A few blood tests and letter from my GP saying my BMI is "morbidly obese" and I have a band.

The clinic gave my a small pre op book, an even smaller post op book with rules that should be followed, the business card with the 16 year old dietician info on it and another business card with the nurses info and then sent me on my way to lose weight.

Now at the beginning I was unstoppable. I was going to lose 100 lbs by 1 year. I was going to ride the Harry Potter ride and fit in all those roller coaster seats ( I even booked our vacation with this in mind), I was going to do dirty things to my husband that have not been done since we were dating and I was ..., I was ..., I was ...., I was ....

You get what Im saying so we will skip ahead to today. I have lost 30 lbs - 1/2 of that was during pre op. I have cried about my decision, I have had insane pb episodes, I have been filled, unfilled and tested and refilled, I have cried more. I have read blogs about success, failure and everything in-between. I have been inspired, I have felt good about my decision and I have regretted my decision.

I am well aware of what is going on and the struggle I am having mentally and that on the outside I look virtually the same but I was hoping that others were not noticing this but during all my 'fun' holiday visits to see people who I mostly hold a special place for in my heart I have been subjected to...

1. I guess you're surgery didn't work? - this one hurt
2. Did you have your surgery yet? - they know I did
3. Are you sure they put that band thing in? - yes I was wondering the same for a while but I checked
4. You threw away all that money! - maybe I did?
and my personal favourite...
5. So when do they turn it on? - OMG!!! Im not explaining this anymore!

I find it funny that before I decided to take this journey I was hardened on the outside - other peoples comments would not phase me - I was who I was and if they didn't like it - I didn't care. I would get hurt when my kids friends would be mean to them because of my size but I was hurt for them not for me - I was a rock. Having the surgery changed all that. I feel so venerable to peoples stares like I have opened myself up to those years of laughter and all the old wounds again and it especially hit me hard  during this holiday time when I would visit and I guess everyone was expecting to see a thin me but they just got me...

I wish it didn't take me so long to get my head around having a band - but it has. I am facing the right direction I just need to stop falling down and get to my destination. I have no bad feelings for other bandsters success - Its actually the opposite -Im over here totally cheering - I just wish I could see that huge jump on the scale and feel that giddiness in my heart and be proud. I think I may be one of those slow turtle bandsters but Im ok with that too as long as I get to where I want to be.

So my Sunny Sunday for today is....

Sunny Sundays!!!

Happy 6 days into 2013 everyone!

Now that I'm getting back on track with my life and my band, I plan to devote Sundays to a quick blog post that is inspirational - something to kick off the week in a positive way.

I can be a total downer and negativity producer (especially with my band) so I have decided to keep it light - to not be unkind to myself - to be honest with myself and to use the will power that I can use for other things on myself.

So here I go....

Inspiration of the week....

Do or do not. There is no try.

Happy week everyone!