Pantry Challenge!

As you can see Im trying to blog more and trying to be creative in what I shove in my mouth. Since my total unfill and gain and refill I have been slapped into perspective.

I tried to do a pre-op diet to get on track - I felt awful (again) and caved in 2 days. LOL 

So I thought... WHY am I going to such extremes? Yes I know - I wanted to drop alot ASAP. But I felt like crap and could not get anything done I was so tired. 

So I am tracking my food (hate doing this) and sending the husband into the store. I will not set foot into a grocery store for 1 month. (I will also forgive my husband for buying the 'wrong' thing almost every time I send him to the store and I will not want to kill him when he says that the item doesn't exist - even though I buy it all the time)

And I am doing this...

Im sure many of you have heard of this. This is something I did to save money in the past but now Im doing it to keep me out of the grocery store and on track. I found a few sites that give you the how to but I think for bandsters this takes us back to basics and lets our inner foodies out.

If you were like me you cleaned out your cupboards before surgery - well all that good food that we replaced chips and cookies with may still be in there.

So Im going for it. Ive taken inventory and I am ready. Im going to be super chef and create something from the oodles of high protein/low fat legumes that I bought pre surgery and the 19 cans of tuna (that I forgot I bought) will be transformed into gastro paradise meals. Im going to try and get the kids involved too and let them pick something from the pantry and we will research a recipe together and maybe they will be more likely to eat it.

I plan to send hubby for the staples...milk, fruit etc. (please give me the strength to provide him with detailed lists that will guide him properly through the grocery store) and I will not enter a food store or Walmart until September for back to school items - because list or no list husband will get that wrong! But this is my thing - I get into a foodie zone in the grocery store - I become hypnotized and I don't think I have ever entered without getting sidetracked from my list.

So for August - Im doing the pantry challenge! It will save money and I'm hoping it will save calories as well. You're all welcome to join in!

They never think about what our issues may be....

The chair....

This is my wrong sized chair. it was supposed to be 2" bigger - the man at the store where I bought it says whats 2" - Im being unreasonable (Im sure he wanted to use another word but stopped himself)

I told him when you buy a size 8 shoe you don't want a size 7 - he didn't get it and I refused to humiliate myself and tell him that Im too fat for the 36" chair and that I ordered 38" because I NEED the room - f%$#en douch bag! 

They have seen me and no one has thought that 'hey maybe its because of her size that she wants the bigger chair - the chair in the size she ordered??? I have never heard of this before - making a chair that may or may not be the measurements that were provided. No other piece of furniture was not the size that they told me.

I am aware that they are not mind readers but I find it so incredible that no one has figured it out without me saying it and I just look like some idiot customer who's giving them a hard time about 2". 

I shouldn't have to lower my self esteem even more and have to go into it with them about me being too big for the normal chair. Its not the right size - period. That should be enough.

I see this happen all the time - why do I want to sit on an aisle -all the seats will fit me - well so I don't have to crawl over strangers to get to my seat - why do I not want to get on that ladder that says 200 lbs max ? duh???? cause I will brake it and fall to my death?

I know that others can take these silly little things for granted but I am always scanning and looking for potential problems that may arise from my size. Its sad really - it keeps me from doing things I love or participating fully - Im on my road but its slow and all these issues make me cry sometimes. 

Thanks for reading!

my new hair and other shit!

I now have a new hair colour (or color in the US). I love it -its just what I needed. Change is upon me. Im still here going along slowly but sure of my direction.

Im learning to not fight my band - it took me a year and a bit and now that Im over it and headed in the right direction but I am sick of people thinking I need their help - "you are not banded, its not about not eating a chocolate bar (F$#@ you really think is about wanting a chocolate bar don't you???) WOW - you have no clue. 

They are coming out of the woodwork lately and putting in their 2 cents like Im some lost cause that they can save from the food - especially my one friend -  F#@% OFF!!! 

This is MY journey - not yours - you DONT know what I need! I am the only one who knows what I need and I am the only one who can fulfill the need. You worry about you and I'll worry about me. Im sure it makes you feel off the hook since you have "tried to help me" and I refuse to take your help because "I dont know what I need" Since when are you me?

My journey is longer then many but so what - I have short legs and walk slower. My brain is so complicated with my crap that I must work through. So to all those " people who want to help"  all I have to say is... nothing... because you wouldn't listen anyway. To everyone else thanks for being there on that road to show me the path and understand that I was a little slow - I couldn't have gotten this far without your judgement and understanding ~ xo bloggies

MWF seeks MOTIVATION....

...must be funny yet firm, like long sweaty walks and whining, bitching and moaning during them. Must also like chocolate and Charlie's Angels.

Today Im on a quest to find 1. a personal trainer  and 2. my motivation.

Is motivation like your mojo - can it just shrivel up and die? or have the years of weight gain, depression and self hate made it run for the hills?

Today is a sunny yet cold day and Im hoping to do some yard work (which I hate but I like the end result), find another personal trainer and try to reach into myself and pull out the last remnants of my former self.

I'll let you know how it goes!

Weigh in Wednesday

Today: 261.8

Last week: 265.8

Still not as low as I was when I originally lost but months of slider foods can do that to the scale. I am really surprised that Im losing with almost no fill in the band. Im hungry especially when work is stressful (head). I had wanted to do a mini pre op diet 1 week shakes but Im so busy and I remember how evil I was on shakes alone not to mention the headaches. So Im doing my fittness pal and trying to weight everything daily (except myself) and weigh in 1x per week and recommit to my blog.

Until next time...

The Personal Trainer

My meeting with the only personal trainer not attached to a gym in my area was insane. I figured when I spoke to her on the phone she was a bit 'organic' and was shocked that I had a band that she had no clue was even a possible weight loss option but when I got there she looked normal so I was happy about that. But then she started to talk and she talked about this healer that she knows and then gave me info on IRIDOLOGY???? Whats that? Well this lady she knows looks into your eyeball and can tell you about how healthy you are and what your allergic to and what your emotional blockages are etc. OK - so I'm sitting there on this really low cushion with my bad knee BTW thinking ok this is weird its been 15 minutes and she hasn't asked me anything about exercise - weird right? So I listen to her talk about eating healthy and no whites, no gluten, no this no that and I go into my shpeel about I have a band, I work with a team at my clinic that includes a dietician and a nurse whom I adore and they are taking care of my food input and I really just need help with the exercise portion of my journey because that is not my strong suit blah blah blah....  Well then she talks about exercise - She tells me she likes to workout outside when its nice - OK - She says that she doesn't use machines - OK (please note: that we covered all this information on the phone prior to me going to meet her for what I thought was my training assessment) Then her raw food chef housemate comes in... great a new thing to sell me. The raw chef goes on about how she cured herself of cancer by only eating raw unprocessed foods and about blue green algae - which like most of you I have used somewhere along my diet journey so I start saying again that I have a complicated relationship with food, that my band is sensitive and that it has taken a year to just figure how to eat with it and that Im NOT interested in dealing with my food that my nurse at the clinic and I have a good thing going and that I would like to just give the band a chance to do its job and not really learn a new way to eat etc etc... then raw food chef says that she could work with my clinic OMG NO! Then I go into I don't want to eat raw food I am fully aware of acidic food vs alkaline food and that I have an extensive knowledge of food from many years of a heavy duty eating disorder that had me eating 200 calories a day and lots blue green algae and doing every diet under the sun for over 15 years.... that I have made a life changing commitment when I had a plastic band put into my body and ALL I wanted was a personal trainer for EXERCISE. She said ok and gave me her card. So we are about an hour in at this point. ZERO personal training - no forms to fill out - no measurements taken - NOTHING. So personal trainer lady says that she just wants to help me and thats theres no pressure to use these other services - again OMG really? since I walked through the door it was selling this and that but not herself. So I wanted to give it a try since I exhausted the entire internet looking for someone like her and found only her and made a bunch of appointments because I went there for personal training and I wanted to come back for personal training but when I woke up this morning I felt bad I felt like I was being judged because I like processed foods and I get stuck on certain 'good' foods because I have a foreign object inside my body to aid weight loss and that she didnt hear my original request when I spoke to her for almost an hour on the phone telling her I have a band and that Im only looking for help with the exercise part of this very hard journey. Im not sure what I should do? My banded gut says no - this is going to be depressing but maybe Im afraid of the exercise? Maybe my fat girl protective shield went up automatically when they started attacking my beloved FOOD...  Maybe this is the missing piece and Ive avoided it all these years because its hard work and I dont really want it as bad as I say I do? The only thing that Ive never excelled at is exercise - I am clueless when it comes to exercise I am NOT motivated. I know I need the push from someone other than my family and friends - But I dont want to feel judged and bad that I am in this situation - I just wanted to burn calories and sweat.

TTT a special day...

1. Today is my baby's 13th birthday - happy birthday I love you xoxoxo

2. I have been super committed to re-attacking my weight (today was a total exception mmmm cupcakes) on Saturday I made an appointment with a personal trainer - I have no idea what Im getting myself into - she seemed totally earthy and was saying you shouldn't eat sugar and flour etc... OMG - what have I done??? Im not gluten intolerant and I can barely eat bread unless its burnt and Im so not there for her to tell me what to eat it has taking me over a year of struggling to figure out this band Im not having anyone mess with my fine balance except the nurses at the clinic. BUT... Im going to my appt open minded and hoping she can help me exercise to the best of my fat burning potential.

3. I spent Monday doing back to back to back lap band talks and webinars. The dietician twice (Im not keen on the dietician) and part 2 of this excellent webinar about getting to know your band. Im in the band zone.

4. I have except today been measuring and tracking on my fitness pal. Making notes etc. It doesn't feel as bad as writing it down I promised myself I would do it until the end of June.

5. I read Banded in the Burgh's blog today and she totally made a great mantra for the now - It made me think about how much Im missing out on the positive self talk. Thanks Chris!

6. I have made a promise to complete 3 new goals that are easy and simple and not weight # related although I really want to lose weight. These will be done by Sunday.

7. I am measuring everything and really trying to get out of my food rut and try new things that I normally would not eat. I am making sure to bring a lunch every day I work - it helps since the girl I work with is broke. I hope this helps me keep on track. Please share any lunch ideas and if you share them I will promise to try them.

8. My husband is irritating. Is it only me? I wish he travelled for work. He makes everything so stressful. I asked him to give me a month of not cooking for him and the kids so I can fully focus on the band and me. I cant eat with them I can actually feel the band tighten up. I have begged him to help and he says "Sure! anything you need"... in man speak that means 'duh - I'll bring a pizza home when I think of it'. 

9. I am planning to do a semi version of the pre op diet for 1 week next week to see if I can and if I can kick start this new plan into high before the summer is upon me.

10. Off topic for the last one.... Last night I left my car keys on my husbands car hood and this morning he drove off with them sitting right there. F$#% who can see a giant (I mean giant - 20 keys -3 different keychains on an even bigger hook) set of keys sitting right in front of their face? So my kids found them this morning about a block away at the stop sign totally mangled. So I call Mazda and say hoe much for a new key? $300.00 WTF! That includes the 1 hour programming charge - it takes 1 hour to program my key? No but our minimum labour cost is 1 hour at $95... I throw up a little in my mouth and then start planning my child's future as a mechanic making $95/hr. So $300.00 gone because Im forgetful... nice!